“I’m not crazy…”

“I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.”

You know you have reached a new level when your therapist’s eyes get real big, her mouth drops open, and she says, “Oh my God!” For once I had the migraine BEFORE I had the appointment with her. It’s usually after. Because that’s where everything gets brought out and processed rather than putting stuff away for later or never. It’s draining.

I decided that one more incident may land me in a psych ward. Seriously, there is just too much. My sponsor got a middle of the day crazy call from me, and I couldn’t even articulate what I was really feeling. But I was freaking out. Turns out it was a panic attack, but it was unlike my normal panic attacks. And I was a far cry from being able to process what I am able to reason out when I have some sense of mental stability.

There was crazy all right. A bazillion frantic “What am I going to about X, but then what about Y, and there just isn’t enough time for Z, but I have to do them all?!” Prayer wasn’t working. Meditation wasn’t working. Saying “Crisco’ll do you proud every time,” every time I passed a Crisco for US House sign wasn’t helping.

So it was call my sponsor or let the crazy keep building unabated and walk into work like that. Granted when I did get to work, one of the trainers asked me if I needed a hug. I wasn’t ok when I got there. I wasn’t ok when I left, but I did what my sponsor said and it helped.

I suspect that my body is addicted to adrenaline. That would explain why after a time of really high stress, I am plagued with panic attacks. Also it would explain the depression that follows the panic attacks which is yet to come. But I can’t say adrenaline is my drug of choice. Because it never has been.

Thanks for letting me share. Enjoy some Clairee and Ouiser.