So there I was right, sitting at my desk at work and this cloud of despair descended on me from out of nowhere. Like I needed to just sit and meltdown with the ugly cry. And in my head I heard Data saying, “I no longer wish to have these emotions!” But, alas, I am not Data and can’t just be deactivated nor can I just turn off my emotion chip. I have to deal with them.
I told a friend recently that I have the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. It’s probably more like a 7 year old. It seems like when I think back that was the age when I began stuffing and avoiding “successfully.” It is also about the age I starting having panic attacks. I broke my leg just before I turned 7. There may be some correlation. Hmm. But I am digressing.
Bottom line is I have reached the point where my old coping skills don’t work, and I can’t just numb away the pain. When it comes, I have to feel it, and it will pass. Just like when I’m on top of the world happy, it will pass. When I’m scared, it will pass. When I’m all blah, it will pass. “To everything there is a season.”
There was a point last summer in the midst of the mess I came home to when I was just starting to go to Al-Anon where I was praying, and I asked God why he wasn’t helping me with all the crap I was going through. He said, “I’ve been sending other people to help you.” That stung. And it’s hard to go to and accept help when you’ve spent so many years hanging on for dear life to your own self-sufficiency. Even when it hasn’t ever worked. It’s irrational and insane doing the same thing(s) over and over expecting different results, but there is an illusion of comfort in the familiar. I wanted to keep doing things myself even though it was slowly killing me emotionally and physically. God was consistently answering my prayers, but not how I wanted Him to.
I hinted about a month ago that I have to completely change the way I think. Well, maybe that was more than a hint. But anyway, change is hard. Feeling is hard. But at least I am not going through it alone. Not that I ever really was alone, but it’s nice to finally take the walls down and trust people. Because if I am going to trust God completely, I’m going to have to trust him to give me people that I can trust.