Walking a thin line

If I keep at it, I might get everything out of my drafts. Granted this never got any farther than a title until today. I may or may not be able to convey what I want out, but coherence isn’t necessarily a requirement for me to publish a post. ;)

I have always loved music and all kinds. I’m really not a fan of electronica (rave/club) because it is like listening to a migraine. Daddy always had to have either the radio or tv on, so I grew up on country and western. If there was a musical variety show on TV, we watched it. Porter Waggoner, Sonny & Cher, Carol Burnette, Lawrence Welk which came on right before Hee Haw, the Mandrells, and even Donny & Marie. Yes, I just showed my age. Mom said the family used to get me to sing Hey Hey We’re The Monkeys at Granny’s house when I was too little to remember. My younger uncles listened to pop/rock and so I credit them with my early rocker side. And if I liked a song, I was singing it no matter if I could get the words right or not. Honey badger didn’t care.

Back in dem days (my Arkansas accent was pointed out this morning as I quoted the Borg, and so I am throwing it on here too), Walmart sold musical instruments, and decent ones. Guitars, banjos, mandolins, violins (maybe). So any trip to Walmart involved me making a bee-line to that section. Work day at church? Guess who was on the piano. Kids/teens special song(s) at church? I tried my best to become invisible. Yeah, I don’t know why. I never liked doing that. But I wanted to play an instrument. Piano, guitar, banjo, fiddle (not violin – fiddle). Any of them or all of them. I remember having a small toy plasic guitar with strings that were “tunable.” It was 4 strings, so it was closer to a ukulele, and once the strings all broke, they got replaced with rubber bands. I didn’t care. I made so many kazoos with a toilet paper roll, wax paper, and rubber band it wasn’t even funny. But no real instruments, and no lessons.

When I was around 11 or so, Aunt Lena gave me a little piano lesson. She taught me the notes on the white keys. Later Becky Leslie sat down with me at one of the church work days and taught me the flats and sharps (the black keys). After we moved into town, I got a little keyboard which might have had 32 keys. Then one of my friends got a guitar, and another friend tried teaching us, and by the time I was 16, I finally convinced my dad to buy me a guitar. And the beast was unleashed. I took lessons until the teacher stopped teaching, and spent the rest of the time teaching myself, finding out in the marching band trying to play xylophone that while I can technically read music, I cannot functionally read music. In other words, I play by ear. Hence, I played along with my records, tapes, and cds.

Now that I have gotten halfway around Grandma’s mulberry bush, let me see if I can bring this all the way around. I wanted to be a rock star when I grew up. All the hours practicing were for that purpose alone. However, I lacked the nerve to either make or join a band or even play in front of more than a handful of really close friends. At least not without some “liquid courage.” So I still finished college and got a real job, and once I had kids, I knew I wasn’t going to be the rock star I wanted to be.

And then several years later, I found myself drawn to joining a worship team at church. It was great, for a time. But as people left, I found myself increasingly in the spotlight and not really wanting to be there. It became a chore dealing with drama from outside the team, and I finally stepped down from it, and then away from that church. Upon joining another church, I was looking at how to serve, and decided to join their worship team because, really, I just love music. I had to audition, and that scared the crap out of me, which is where I am finally going to get to the point of this.

Remember the lack of nerve? That comes from a lack of confidence. It didn’t matter how many people gave me encouragement, I never thought I was good enough. I didn’t play good enough. I didn’t sing good enough. Yet, I passed the audition, and Bradford keeps putting me on the worship schedule so I can’t be that bad. ;)

So where I am is trying to overcome that insecurity, but not go so far on the other side to get all full of myself. The talent I have and the desire to use it are both gifts from God. To be able to use them for him on a worship team is far better than being a rock star. And as Petra told me, I’m playing for God, not the people even though it is a position of leadership in that we lead the people in worship.

What is this post really about? Bringing my junk out into the open. When I bring my junk out into the open and call it what it is, it seems to have less of a hold over me. So there ya go. A couple of minutes you will never get back. lol :) And I didn’t proofread.

2 Responses to 'Walking a thin line'

  1. I always wished I had stuck with music lessons when I was a kid. Instead, I played sports year round. Now though, I’d love to play guitar. I just love the sound of it, but I feel like it’s too difficult to teach myself and too expensive to hire a teacher.
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    • DragonLady says:

      I sucked at almost every sport. :) I have no idea how expensive lessons are. I think Chris charged $20 a lesson back in 1987, and I can only imagine it’s gone up at least double since then. Thankfully my daughter took a semester of guitar at her old high school. I couldn’t teach her. I would teach myself bass guitar except that would involve buying a bass guitar and amp and in addition to that expense, I just don’t have the time right now.