I don’t even know where to start. Suffice it to say, I am not aging gracefully. I didn’t really handle it so well when my hair starting graying. It took burning my scalp with dye (the same dye I had been using for a year) before I decided I was ok with going gray. Ok, that’s partially a lie. I am NOT ok with going gray. I just find it preferable to a blistered scalp. And, yes, I can look in the mirror right now and know that soon I will be waking up to being VERY noticeably gray as opposed to having to be close to my head to see it. But anyway…
FEMALE STUFF ALERT
I remember several years ago sitting at home watching Home Improvement with my mom. I don’t think she normally watched it with me, but she was there with me when I saw the episode where Jill had to have a hysterectomy. Jill didn’t handle it well at all, and I remember my mom turning to me and saying, “I had NO problem with mine.” I am pretty sure I said something to the effect that I would be ok without my uterus, too, because I hate having periods. I never looked forward to periods, still hate them, and still look forward to not having them. I have been ready for a hysterectomy since my youngest was a year old. But, alas, they don’t do hysterectomies if there is nothing wrong with you. Ok, I could probably find a doctor that would do it, but that’s the kind of doctor who would also give me the painkillers that I want despite the fact I don’t need them.
Since the hubster and I were DONE with having kids after our youngest was born, and I had all kinds of issues remembering to take the pill, he opted for a vascectomy…which I got to watch. lol Before he got started, the surgeon asked us both one last time if we were absolutely sure we didn’t want any more kids because his work is NOT reversible. We both assured him we were through, and, yeah, I saw what he cut out, and I saw the cauterizing of the ends. That isn’t growing back short of supernatural intervention. Hmm, maybe I should have added a “MALE STUFF” alert too? So 3-4 years ago, I started having hot flashes. Excited I was at what I saw as the beginning of the end of periods. Of course, in the last 3 years, my cycles have gotten more frequent, and I have had PMS though I NEVER had ANY PMS symptoms before. My moods swing like I’m bi-polar, and word has it, it is going to get worse and could last another 10 years or more. Remember how I said my cycles are more frequent? They last longer too.
So, needless to say, I was totally unprepared for wanting to have another baby. I had been able to say “That ship has sailed,” and was quite ok with it. But out of the blue yesterday, all I could see was babies. EVERYWHERE. Friends with babies, friends pregnant, friends with grandbabies (and no, I am not ready for grandbabies when I still have teenagers). I totally didn’t see this coming…
So what’s the problem? We could adopt, right? Well, yes. However, hubby doesn’t want another kid, and I will NOT try to convince him otherwise. So I have to be still, and trust that God will grant me contentment in this area one way or another. He could heal the little tubes. He could change the hubby’s heart to want another one too and provide a child to adopt. Or He could have me just wait until the kids are grown and married (hopefully in that order), and give me a bunch of grandbabies.
Or I could just be happy that I have something to blog about.