"I'm so afraid of the way I feel." - Lindsey Buckingham
Some days are rough. When they string together into a season, it really sucks. Some days I just want to stop feeling. Except I don't. Lord knows I've done enough numbing.
I know that healing is painful, and slow. I know that sometimes you have to push yourself through the pain because that is part of the healing process too. Like when I had my appendix taken out. I was sick as a dog for a week prior to the surgery. I mean, it ruptured, so, yeah. I was BAD sick by the time I had emergency surgery. It is a miracle that I wasn't sicker. I was exhausted, hungry, and sore after the surgery. I didn't want to do a thing except lay there drugged up wishing someone would leave a donut close enough for me to reach even though I wasn't allowed to eat. But my mom made the nurses make me get up out of bed and walk no matter how much I complained about the pain. Not because she wanted me to hurt, but because that was just part of the healing process - getting up and moving forward.
Once upon a time, I broke my wrist. I was in 5th or 6th grade. It was a playground accident, and it was a complete accident. I would even go so far as to call it a freak accident on a seesaw. I told no one because I knew that if my dad caught wind, I would be held solely responsible for both cause and effect. Obviously it wasn't a bad break, but I found it really hard to get through basketball practice with minimal use of my left hand. The physical pain was mild compared to the emotional pain I expected to receive. It's probably why I have such a high tolerance for physical pain now.
Hiding an injury from a parent out of fear of punishment for getting hurt in an accident is not normal.
The kids and I were heading home from the dentist last week, and I had some road rage going on. Big surprise to anyone who's ever had to ride in the car with me. Anyway, Jamie says, "I don't think I have ever experienced road rage." I said, "Good. I hope you don't." After a bit more discussion she said, "Well, it is a lot easier to be mad and yell at someone when you aren't face to face with them." Could it be that a childhood of helplessness and unresolved anger is behind my road rage?
I had to get the pimp car fixed last week. It was something I didn't think I could fix, but the tow truck driver was confident I could have done it myself. Anyway, after fixing the harmonic balancer (fancy name for crankshaft pulley), they recommended an oil change (it was really low), and coolant flush (coolant was really dirty). I declined having them do it because 1) I already had the oil and filter purchased to change the oil, 2) I've flushed coolant before and can do it myself, and 3) I look for any ways I can to save some cash. Well #2 was a huge mistake. I managed to break the petcock. Not so bad that I can't work around it, and it still works, but still. It was frustrating and I bitched to Petra who proceeded to tell me that I don't have to do everything myself even though I am capable because I don't have anything to prove. Um, yes, I do. It's irrational and insane, but yes, it is almost a compulsive need to prove that I am capable of doing it all and am not "stupid" and "irresponsible."
I've reached a point where I have gained back all the weight I had lost and now need to either lose some weight or buy bigger clothes. I am opting for the former. I went to the doctor Monday because I had some paperwork for him to fill out for my insurance, and I needed a couple of prescriptions redone. Especially when the nurse reminded me I have asthma and I looked at my inhaler that expired over a year ago. My doc told me not to beat myself up over the weight gain as it is a normal reaction (physically and mentally) to what has gone on over the past few months. And now I can rein myself back in and "eat an apple and go for a walk" instead of binging on carbs and sugar.
4 years ago, he suggested a 30 day no-starch diet to break my addiction to carbs. Of course, I was also running regularly then too. So I decided to put myself back on a healthy diet high in vegetables and fruits. And running when the weather is nice enough. Twice in the past week I have gotten a bunch of veggies to roast. (Fiber is my friend. Seriously.) But my veggie prep time is slow. I am clumsy with a knife, so I can't rush. My left hand has enough scars. But, I digress. Jamie decides she is hungry whenever I am doing this slow prep work and gets in the way while bitching about how slow I am and how I'm doing it wrong, and blah blah. And it really, really pisses me off.
It's a trigger.
Once upon a time, I decided to make a bologna sandwich. I was maybe 12 or 13. Old enough to do it myself. It was during summertime so we had fresh tomatoes, and I was going to slice a tomato for my sandwich. Well, Daddy peeled everything, including tomatoes, so I proceeded to peel the tomato as that is what you do when it's all you know. He walked in as I was doing it and had a conniption over how much of the tomato I was taking off with the peel. He went on and on and on until I melted down and just grabbed my sandwich and ran out to the barn sobbing with the sandwich I no longer wanted.
I vowed to never ever peel another tomato again.
And when Jamie starts bitching while I'm prepping, I relive that tomato incident all over again, which of course means I am very snippy with her.
Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to heal from all those old wounds, not to mention how on earth do you?
You may believe that if you begin to cry you will never stop.1
I remember wondering "How broken do I have to be?" Now I am wondering just how broken I really am. I like fixing things. When I fix a light, a car, mower, or appliance, I feel empowered as if I do have some semblance of control over the world around me. There has been so much helplessness that fixing material things makes the broken parts of me not seem so terrifying. I can look at myself and say, "You know what? You're not stupid. You can fix stuff. Not everything, but a lot of things. You pay your bills on time, and when you don't, it's not intentional. You're not a failure." And that works until I get tired from going wide open like I'm Superwoman.
That's when I feel the wounds of that broken little girl.
That's when the that old familiar voice starts in. "You're in over your head. You're a fraud. You're about to fail big in front of everyone and they are going to point and jeer."
I know it's a lie. It's just hard to fight your mind when you're already tired and worn down - when you're still hurt.
Psalm 13 New International Version (NIV)
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
1 Woititz, Janet G. (1983). Adult Children of Alcoholics
. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc p198