Archive for the Confessional Category

What I am thankful for

By on November 21, 2012

I guess since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I should write a post about what I am thankful for. I’ve struggled all week to write something, and I don’t know why it never occurred to me to write about Thanksgiving. Well, actually, that isn’t entirely true. It’s hard to be thankful when you are sick and have a pulled muscle and you want to wallow in self-pity. 😉

Lots of folks have been posting as their daily status on Facebook something that they are thankful for. I guess it’s supposed to be done for each day of November. Half the time, I don’t even post a status anymore. But I digress, and am already getting off topic.

This year I am thankful for the trials I have been through for about the past 5 years. One normally isn’t thankful for having their dad die, their mom to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, 2 back-to-back job problems, 2 teenagers with issues (likely stemming from their parent’s issues), and an alcoholic spouse who had to go to rehab. Who in their right mind would be thankful for stuff like that? Let me tell you, each and every one of those situations sucked big time! There have been times that I wanted to just run away, and times (like late last year) that I was so depressed that I wanted to die. (Note: I was not suicidal. There is a BIG difference.) But each of these things in their own unique ways brought about much needed changes in my life.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. (James 1:2-3 ESV)

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12 ESV)

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:6-7 ESV)

Each of the events increasingly broke down my emotional barriers and showed how much of my life I had spent controlling or avoiding situations around me in order to keep the barriers up and to fortify them. Little by little, and painfully the control issues, the emotional stuffing, and what I thought was long buried insecurity all busted out and tore me down to a state much like I was as a pre-teen. Broken and undone. But this time around, I couldn’t just go through the motions and perform like I was so (in my mind anyway) adept at as a kid. Daddy didn’t set his affairs in order before he died because he was a control freak. Yeah, that would be where I get it. Mom started showing signs of Alzheimer’s soon after Daddy’s stroke, but even more so when he died. I still had to work. I couldn’t check out from parenting. And I couldn’t check out from my marriage. I couldn’t just cope with all these issues; I had to actually work through them. Oh, and also during this time, I had a LOT of sin to face and repent of that I had fallen into while wrapped up in my self-righteousness.

In my brokenness, I had only one place to turn, and that was to God. The worse things got, the more I was driven to him, and that is why I am thankful for the trials. I learned after many many years to actually trust God. I learned to open up to close friends about my struggles so they could pray for me and help me through them. So, yeah, I am thankful for the trials that are beginning to get me out of self-reliance and into God-reliance.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 ESV)

This entry is filed under Confessional, Faith, Family, Life. | 4 Comments

Have a peek into my life

By on October 23, 2012

I know I have certain days set aside for certain topics, but, yeah. That really didn’t work out so well. Really it didn’t work out at all when I wasn’t blogging for the past month. But anyway, I guess it’s time to spill the beans about why I wasn’t blogging at all for a month, and not really so regularly over the past couple years or so.

The day after Labor Day, I drove my husband to a 65-day treatment facility for alcohol and drug abuse. He had started drinking again about 2 years ago, and it steadily progressed to the point where he was drinking heavily 5 or 6 days a week while denying it was heavy drinking and/or that he was really drunk. Also during this 2 year period I nagged him about it, fought with him over it, and threatened divorce. None of my tactics worked on him, and none of his denial and manipulation worked on me. All the while the kids retreated to their rooms attempting to block out the dysfunction around them.

In the meantime, we were all going through the motions, and putting on the masks of pretending nothing was wrong. He was leading a ministry and a small group at church, and I was standing up helping to lead singing every Sunday morning and many Sunday nights. Everything looked “normal” and “good” from the outside. But we were a mess.

I prayed and prayed, and was mostly left with silence and no change. I asked, “How much is enough?” The abbreviated answer was my wedding vow – “Til death.” Yet I still could not stop wanting a divorce, and finally had to share the full answer I got with 4 friends when I asked them to pray and hold me accountable. That’s when the voice telling me to push for divorce ceased. Not because of my prayer, but my friends’ prayers.

Gradually the fighting between us ceased, though each of us continued to hold our ground, and then the secret came out. He got drunk and took a sleeping pill and I couldn’t get him all the way awake so that he could make it to the Bible study he was leading. There I was left with spilling the beans to 2 couples why he wasn’t there, and what had been going on. I narc’ed him out, and it sucked. But, it didn’t suck near as bad as covering up the problem. He was confronted, held accountable, and rightly disciplined by being removed from leadership and teaching positions.

Still, he dug in, and finally decided he was going to confront back and argue his case. This put me in a very difficult spot as I neither agreed with nor supported his position, and prepared for opposing him publicly. But when we went to this meeting he called, instead of defending himself and fighting his position, he confessed everything and announced that he was going to rehab because he was not in control of his drinking. It was in control of him. We found a place, got him all set, and off he went. He only did about a month of the 65 days, but he came home a different man than I dropped off.

There will be more follow up to this, but in the meantime, here is the testimony the hubby gave at church this past Sunday. The audio is bad because he spoke without a mic and I recorded it with my iPhone, but I’m sharing it anyway.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Family, Life. | 12 Comments

“And this is what comes from dabbling…”

By on June 12, 2012

And if you drop something on a Facebook wall, you might as well turn it into a blog post…especially when prodded. 😉 Seriously though, I would have let the whole thing go with just some eye rolls and head shaking, but further commenting just raked me the wrong way, and I was in the mood to fight anyway.

It all started when I got a message from Petra who read God Doesn’t Want You to Read Fifty Shades of Grey, and came across a sentence that reminded her of me, and made her laugh a lot. For the record, I don’t seek out pictures of cute kittens; they are sent to me. lol Anyway, I went ahead and read the post and dropped the link in the Google chat I was having with Molly. I think we discussed what little we knew about the book and I think I told her why I was going to let it pass on by. I’ve slept since then. Anyway, Molly posted a status on FB about wanting something to read. Out of the first 5 suggestions, I was the only one who did NOT recommend Fifty Shades of Grey. I had just started reading Eat to Live (which my doctor “prescribed” like 3 or 4 years ago), so I recommended it. You know, that’s how I roll. LOL I then proceeded to ignore the additional Fifty Shades of Grey recommendations, and then Petra commented…and a couple chicks got defensive…and I got irked, and dropped this comment:

People who read those books are typically less (or un-) satisfied with their sex lives, and looking for an instant thrill. I got introduced to the “smut novel” in my teens, and that just opened the door to a dysfunctional sex life when I got married. As someone who knows the consequences of porn addiction (both from “erotic fiction” and video porn) personally, I can assure you that porn does NOT improve a sexual relationship. Only when porn was completely out of our household (and my husband gave it up long before I did), did we start communicating to and with one another whereby we finally achieved the level of intimacy in our marriage that so that our sex life reached a mutually (very) fulfilling level. Porn is porn whether literary or video, and does not depict real life. Sexual addiction is every bit as enslaving as drugs, alcohol, food, and cigarettes. Reading erotic fiction and calling yourself “open minded” is just fooling yourself. It’s being single-mindedly focused on physical pleasure which ultimately does not satisfy.

So there went my skeletons – run-on sentences, extra words, questionable grammar, and all. And here they are for you my 10 regular readers, though I guess it would be 8 since Petra and Molly already know. haha. And yes, I generalized without evidence. Isn’t that what a flame war is all about? 😉

I figured if I was going to put this out there, I should expound more on what I flushed out thinking on how feeding off the smut novels had such a negative impact. I developed expectations based on those novels. Expectations of every aspect of a relationship, too, and not just sexual. Naturally, when those expectations didn’t come to fruition, discontentment set in. But, of course the expectations weren’t going to be met because they were all based on fiction – from someone else’s imagination, and not even my own.

So, yeah, I won’t be reading Fifty Shades of Grey which is apparently the new Twilight only “heavy on sex” and without the vampires. And while I’m at it, I might as well throw out my opinion of the grown women who went/go nuts over Twilight. Women, when you are in your 30’s, but more especially in your 40’s and 50’s, and you are swooning over a fictional character, you look and sound immature and ridiculous. Just sayin’. Seriously,Cedric Diggory? Yes, I concluded that getting senselessly killed by Lord Voldemort turns you into a sparkly vampire.

*The post title is a partial quote from Practical Magic. The full quote is “And this is what comes from dabbling; I mean you can’t practice witchcraft while you look down your nose at it.”

This entry is filed under Confessional, Snark, Totally Judging. | 12 Comments

Funday Friday Miscellany

By on May 18, 2012

1. I am bipolar today. I woke up ready to kill the white cat. I’m not sure she will survive until I can get her spayed. But then as I was taking stuff out to the van, it was just so nice and peaceful out that I got instant good mood. But then I got to work. *sigh*

2. Remember when I said “Be real”? Yeah, I had to eat my words and be real this week. It really isn’t fun even when you know the response will be in love…and it was.

3. Had my 2nd follow up with the ENT this week, after totally forgetting about and missing the original appointment last week. Everything looks good and I don’t have to go back for 6 months.

4. Speaking of the ENT appointment, I figured since my lunch was heavy on onion & garlic and the doc would be up close & personal to my face, it would be kind to brush my teeth before I went. That’s one of the reasons I keep a toothbrush & toothpaste in my desk at work. That and in case I forget before I leave home. Yes, that has happened and is also why I have deodorant in my desk. Anyway, I haven’t used Colgate since like January? I’ve been using Tom’s flouride free which took some getting used to, and now I know why. The Colgate was like brushing my teeth with sugar. Seriously. I’m not a big fan of Tom’s either and may just go straight baking soda & peroxide when it’s empty.

5. I caved to a temptation a few weeks ago and bought a soda. It was not good, and so I didn’t drink it even though I used to love it.

6. I ran at lunch today and now I hurt.

7. Needs/Wants the time & motivation to fix my sewing machine and then the time & motivation to actually sew. I’m also thinking about trying (again) to learn how to crochet. Opal inspires me.

8. My mom turns 80 next month. 80. That’s old. She is the second oldest in her family now with one cousin older than her.

9. I keep wondering when/how/if I got glutened since the Andy’s incident over 3 weeks ago. Either I have been glutened since (despite being careful) or I have been paying for that one big time…and long time…

10. I need a vacation. A real vacation. It doesn’t have to be very long. Just a weekend would do the trick.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Funday Friday, LinkWhoring, Ramble, Video. | 8 Comments

Surprise visits

By on February 4, 2012

This post is brought to you today because of a Facebook message thread (note: not a public thread) where there was a discussion of someone’s house not being “company ready.” I said “Whatever” followed by “Did I ever tell you about the first 2 visits we got from NLPC?” NLPC = New Life Praise Church = where we go. Anyway, she said, “no, you’ll have to give me those stories! ha!” Now with this in mind, there was some discussion a few days prior about “being real” and “masks” and, well, this is kind of me putting my “ugly” out there.


You can click on the image for the larger size if you just have to go looking for cobwebs. 😉

So this was made Christmas ’07. I think. It’s main purpose is to show the old sectional…for scale. Note that right there in the middle of the floor is a big mess. I decorated for Christmas, but never bothered to put the containers away turning them into a “catch-all” spot. Also notice the dog. That’s Buster as a puppy. His middle name is Deuce because he was always dropping one behind furniture. He is also a big outside dog now. Anyway, a couple of weeks after that Christmas we started attending NLPC.

I’m not sure how long we had been going before we got the visit. One Tuesday night, the dogs started barking, and we heard car doors (plural) outside. One of the Tuesday night visitation teams made a trip to visit us. I know it was Charlie and Sylvia, but I can’t remember who (if anyone) was with them. What I do remember is the sectional was so covered with stuff (laundry, junk, whatever) that you couldn’t sit on it. Oh, and the Christmas stuff was still sitting there in the middle of the room. I was mortified. I am sure everything in the kitchen was dirty and covering all the counters, and, well, my house was a pig stye. And I swore that it would not ever get that bad again just in case we ever got another unannounced visit.

So a few weeks later, dogs bark, car doors slam, and we have visitors again. This time it was Gerald & Bonnie, and Sylvia. Yes, same Sylvia, and guess what? The house was in just as bad a shape as it was before, except that I had put away the Christmas decorations by that time. That was it. They had seen the real us. I don’t think anyone from church has ever been by that the house wasn’t a wreck. It’s not that we don’t both want a clean house, nor do we not know how to keep a clean house. It’s just overwhelming, and it’s easier to let it go.

As an aside, we no longer have the sectional, and we no longer pile laundry up in the living room. We keep those piles in our bedrooms now. LOL

This entry is filed under Confessional, Life, Photos. | 6 Comments

What I run to

By on January 16, 2012

Why? Because it is a post, and this list totally dates me. Yes, I sing many of these at my daughter when she runs with me. 🙂

Freak Like Me – Sugababes
Round Round – Sugababes
Walking on Sunshine – Katrina & the Waves
Welcome To The Jungle – Guns N’ Roses
Paradise City – Guns N’ Roses
Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns N’ Roses
Back In Black – AC/DC
You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
The Power Of Love – Huey Lewis & The News
Song 2 – Blur
Layla – Derek & The Dominos
China Grove – The Doobie Brothers
Long Train Runnin’ – The Doobie Brothers
Listen To The Music – The Doobie Brothers
Humans Being – Van Halen (Van Hagar)
Love Is a Battlefield – Pat Benatar
Invincible – Pat Benatar
Authority Song – John Mellencamp
Dancing in the Dark – Bruce Springsteen
Glory Days – Bruce Springsteen
The Boys of Summer – Don Henley
Mr. Roboto – Styx
Monkey Wrench – Foo Fighters
Love Shack – The B-52’s
Long Distance Winner – Stevie Nicks
Gold – Stevie Nicks
Light of day – Joan Jett
Go Insane – Lindsey Buckingham
Refugee – Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Runnin’ Down a Dream – Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Let’s Go Crazy – Prince
1999 – Prince

This entry is filed under Confessional, Humor, Life. | 4 Comments

Against the wind

By on January 3, 2012

I cannot be held responsible if a Bob Seger song is now stuck in your head.

Party animal that I am, I went running New Year’s Eve around the community where I live. I have a 3.4 mile loop on some back roads where there normally isn’t a lot of traffic, so I can stay on the pavement most of the time. Being a loop, I get to run in every direction at some point, and on the second straight(ish) stretch, I was facing the wind. I was already sucking because I forgot to use my inhaler, but it was made worse trying to run against the wind when I didn’t have much breath left anyway. It wasn’t long before I wanted to just stop.

I started to write this post when I got back home from that run. I got 2 paragraphs written, and then chickened out and deleted it. See, it’s also hard to run while sobbing. I said to a friend something to the effect of “I wonder just how broken I have to be.” Apparently just a bit more. I had a breakdown about 4 weeks or so ago, and I’ve been in the dark pit of depression ever since. Drowning in despair. Angry, and then numb. I’m pretty sure I have cried more in the past week than my whole life. That may or may not be an exaggeration. I’ve prayed, I’ve poured over and through my Bible, I’ve confided in friends who are praying for me, and yet, there is still this overwhelming darkness closed in around me, and I can’t breathe.

But I keep going.

During that run, when I couldn’t breathe, and couldn’t stop crying, I still had to get back home. So I dropped from a run to a walk, and kept going forward.

Yes, I went there. You’re welcome. 🙂

I am going through the motions. Fake it ’til ya make it. I am full of doubt, and nearly empty of faith. But I know I can’t trust my feelings, well, ever really, but especially now. It’s not my first battle with depression, even though I would call it my worst.

James 1:2-3 New King James Version (NKJV)

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

I have to be patient, which does not come easy. The light will once again shine into the darkness, and I will keep seeking it…runnin’ on empty, against the wind.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Faith, Life, Trust. | 4 Comments

Guilty pleasures

By on December 3, 2011

It was a problem. At some point in high school, my best friend got me hooked on Santa Barbara. No, I am not the soap opera watching type. Sure, I did watch General Hospital for a while as a kid, but that was for Rick Springfield only. Clearly, that was a problem, too, given that I was like 10/11 years old at the time I was watching GH. But, I can remember skipping class in college to watch SB, and then getting angry that the “cliff-hanger” wasn’t resolved for like another week. But I digress.

William Shakespeare. We were supposed to read Romeo and Juliet in 10th grade. I never did. I knew the gist of the story. 12th grade I think we had to read Hamlet in AP English? Honestly, I only read 3 of the however many books we were supposed to read in AP, and 2 of those pissed me off because of stupid endings. Actually, those were the first 2 books, and that’s why I refused to read any more. I did read Job (from the Bible), but didn’t really get it. (Because of the languange.) I still have problems getting through Job and I’ve read it 5 times since in 5 different translations. But, again, I digress. I didn’t understand Shakespeare’s plays, and I didn’t get his sonnets either. Nor did I get (for the most part) any other poetry. Yes, I dabbled a bit with writing poetry when I was 18 and idealistic. Before you ask, read that again: “18 and idealistic.”

Now you are probably thinking, “What is your point?” I know. It’s like the “random” posts with paragraphs instead of numbered one/two liners. There is a connection. See, there was a character in Santa Barbara by the name of Mason Capwell who was played by actor Lane Davies for the majority of the soap’s televised life. Mason quoted Shakespeare…a lot…and well. Teenage me was captivated by it, and developed what I dubbed the “Mason Capwell fantasy.” I was particularly enthralled hearing him quote Sonnet 29:

When in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man’s art, and that man’s scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate;
For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

I didn’t get the sonnet then, and I mostly don’t get it now (because I really don’t care), but to hear him speak it… Ah, I wish I could find a copy of it somewhere out there on the interwebs…

This entry is filed under Confessional, Funday Friday, Humor, Life. | 2 Comments

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