Archive for the Confessional Category

Insert clever title here

By on October 21, 2013

I had some small personal victory this past weekend. I also have some big old fail albeit with vindication. I was going to elaborate on the latter, but I have stewed on that too much, and it’s not my problem at all now that it has resulted in cutting all ties. As for the victory, well, that was one with my own self-esteem. Not that the war is over, just a couple of battles.

The hubby and I went to Lee & Rachel’s again Saturday night for dinner, and he decided before we left that I should take my guitar to play and sing around the fire. Really? How long have we been together and how did he not know what kind of terror that brings out in me? Ok, yeah, it’s not like they have never heard me play and sing. But I conceded and took it along with my old binder full of chords & lyrics & real sheet music. And much of what was in there was stuff I haven’t played since high school.

But that said, I played some Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks, Eagles, Alan Jackson, Bangles (don’t judge me), and a couple more that I can’t remember. I know the whole Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks is shocking for anyone who knows me. šŸ˜‰ You know, songs everyone knows but don’t know until you hear it. And I might have had way too much wine too.

I made my debut with the C.O.R.E. Worship team yesterday. 4 songs 4 times each, including sound check. Was a long day, but, oh man. It was so much fun. It is such a privilege to be able to play with a group of such talented folks. My mic went dead during the first service. That was fun. I mean, I was ok with that, but since part of my role was vocals, having a working mic is kind of important. šŸ˜‰ Pastor Nate preached, and brought it! When I got home last night, I was wiped out tired, and I crashed into bed about 8. I didn’t drag myself out of be until 6, and was dragging then. But it was all just physical. I haven’t felt mentally wiped out like I expected. I guess not having to deal with a bunch of drama or dealing with dreading a bunch of drama makes a difference.

Our neighbors had their art festival over the weekend. I can’t remember if they host it once or twice a year. Regardless, we had the overgrown white-trash yard this year. But whatever. One of these days the yard will get mowed and maybe even before winter. LOL!

I have several topics in mind for the rest of the week. Whether or not they move from mind to keyboard remains to be seen.

KitKat got really lovey over the weekend, and not even in a bid to get fed. Jamie said she will change back. I kind of look forward to that because she picks times I don’t want her on me to get on me. You know, like a cat. šŸ˜‰

Have a great week!

This entry is filed under Confessional, Maniacal Monday, Video. | 4 Comments

Demons are real

By on October 17, 2013

I started writing this post back in March, and then abandoned it to the drafts hole. As I write this “intro,” I am still teetering on the fence on whether to finish it and post it.

I have spent a week debating whether or not to write about what happened to me last week. For various reasons. Good, bad, or whatever. šŸ˜‰ I did tell a couple of people about it, so I didn’t hide it and/or pretend it didn’t happen. I mean, not that I could pretend it didn’t happen because I had a rough few days over it.

I had a demonic encounter. And I brought it on myself.

26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV)

I gave opportunity to the devil. And it was over something that didn’t directly involve me, and was something that I thought I had let go, but when I was struck, I knew immediately that 1) I had just “physically” been struck though I could not see what hit me, and 2) that I had dwelled too many times for too long on a particular event. That scared the crap out of me. Not the attack, but the fact that I invited it. Then I spent the next couple of days fighting off an onslaught of angry thoughts about various other events where I should have spoken up and pointed out how things that were said and/or done were both unbiblical and unloving. But I remained silent in fear of confrontation. Mainly. Because I have a strong fight or flight response to confrontation, and flight is default. Part of it is that I know deep down whatever pisses me off the most, is more often than not something that I struggle with. Also, I have been known to act/speak without thinking through the whole situation and ended up at least as wrong as whatever I got hacked off about.

But anyway, as I came out of this encounter, I faced several things about myself that were exposed because of it.

    Self-righteous arrogance pisses me off because I am so self-righteous and arrogant.

    Gossip and backbiting piss me off because I have done and find that I still do it myself so often.

    Controlling busybodies piss me off because I am such a control freak.

    Dismissive know-it-alls piss me off because I have long been a dismissive know-it-all.

    Elitists piss me off because I am one too.

So as I envisioned my anger as righteous anger such as Jesus had when he drove the money changers out of the temple, it seems as though I have a lot more in common with the money changers. I love to be right. And I love to argue, except that I hate to argue because I suck at it. I realize the complete contradiction that statement is.

All that said, and everything offset in the blockquote is from March, this hasn’t been an isolated incident. That was just the first one that happened where I recognized what was happening. I had suspicions that there was demonic activity going on around me, and prayed for discernment. I still continue to pray for ongoing discernment to know the truth about my own ongoing struggles to know which are internal and which are external. In other words, what is coming from the old me, and what is demonic influence/oppression.

Now at this point, I still haven’t seen a demon while awake/conscious that I am completely sure was a demon. I did see something run through the living room earlier this year that I thought at first was KitKat until I looked again and couldn’t find her in the living room (and she can’t move silently that fast anyway), and then asked Jamie if KitKat was in her (locked) room. Which she was. So it wasn’t KitKat. Too small and dark to be Gizmo. So I erred on the side of caution and rebuked it.

I have had dreams (nightmares) over the years where there was a presence trying to get me that I could feel, but never see. These dreams are always different from the nightmares of murderers, rapes, nuclear detonation, snakes, spiders, car wrecks, falling, tornados, etc. In the last couple of years, I had one of the “presence” dreams only I saw it coming at me, and knew exactly what it was waking up as I cried out to Jesus. I have since heard people describe demons they have seen, and it was exactly what was in my dream.

Why am I sharing this? I think there are a lot of Christians who are completely ignorant as to what spiritual warfare is about because they don’t truly believe demonic activity can have any contact with them. That said, I do not believe that a believer in Christ, sealed with the Holy Spirit can be possessed by demons. But there is no scriptural basis for the teaching and belief that demons can’t do anything to you once you are saved. In fact, I would say the Bible teaches just the opposite. They can touch us and they can afflict us and they will do it because the enemy “comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” He already has the lost, and he has already lost. But what better way to keep unbelievers in darkness than to damage the Light because as believers we are the light of Jesus here on earth.

So don’t believe you can’t be touched or influenced because you are still at war, and the enemy is real.

Ephesians 6:11-18 English Standard Version (ESV)

11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints,

This entry is filed under Confessional, Fail, Faith, Life, Theological Thursday. | 6 Comments

Battling “hunger”

By on October 16, 2013

I’m sticking to the schedule again. 3 days in a row! šŸ˜Æ

Molly blames Petra for turning me into a health food nut (for lack of a better term), but really, Dr. Garlick takes the bulk of the blame. Petra just reinforced what he has been telling me for years. Not that I trust her over an M.D., but I see and talk to her a lot more than Dr. Garlick. I don’t consistently heed her advice either. But she is pretty consistently right which is why when she looks me in the eye and tells me “You need to stop _____,” I tend to do it. Especially when she points out the glaring why. But I digress.

Anywho, I mentioned in a post a couple of days (or weeks) ago that my lax eating led to my constant “hunger.” I quote hunger because I am by no means really hungry. After reading Eat to Live and making an effort to eat that way (which was why I twice attempted to eat vegan), I learned the difference between how my body tells me I’m really hungry and when my body just wants to eat something. When I eat food that contains no msg or any artificial flavoring, I don’t have a problem with the stomach growling food craving. The craving is almost always for bread/pasta, cheese, or sugar. When I eat foods that haven’t been artificially flavored, I don’t feel the need to eat as much, and don’t get the overwhelming cravings for high-carb, low-nutrition comfort food.

Yeah, so above where I digressed, now I will get back to where I started to prematurely go. Petra called me out for comfort eating and drinking. Starting with “You need to stop drinking.” She didn’t say it all harsh, but I had been saying it harshly to myself. And she’s right. I was seeking comfort in alcohol and food instead of Jesus just like she said. I think it may go deeper than that, and that I have elevated comfort itself (or my ideal of it) as a god. This is why I have to abandon my old coping mechanisms because all they ever did was mask and deny the real problem(s) which in turn never got addressed.

All this said, I am turning back to healthier eating by eliminating the artificial flavorings and colors. And definitely the MSG. I know I need to eliminate the artificial preservatives as well, but while not eliminating totally, I am keeping those minimal. And no more Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks. :sigh:

This entry is filed under Confessional, Diet, Faith, Life, Wholesome Wednesday. | 2 Comments

In which I hit publish before determining a title

By on September 5, 2013

I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t try to blog with a headache coming on and with brain fog. Especially when it’s “Theological Thursday” and I have no topic in mind yet. lol But, heck, when has that ever stopped me.

I had my second session of counseling yesterday. I don’t know if it’s the “happy pills” or the Al-Anon or the increased running, but I noticed I was feeling a lot better emotionally as if everything is ok. Which it’s not. I’m still sleeping like crap, and I woke up sick this morning, but this sick is probably diet related since I also ate like crap yesterday evening. Anyway, I felt more relaxed, and maybe because I did the verbal vomit on her last time. haha

I also noticed something last week that I do that I didn’t used to do. I shared it at an Al-Anon meeting last week. I know everyone has an internal dialog going on much of the time. I’ve always had one and can remember I time when I would have it out loud. I only did that when I was alone (or thought I was), but after getting busted a couple of times, I worked on that. Although I still get called out by my family for hand gesturing when it gets intense in my head. Case in point, Jamie said to me over the weekend, “Stop thinking with your hands.” lol But I digress. What I have been doing more often over the past few years is having arguments in my head. So there is an all too often mental conflict going which tells me I am pretty bitter about some things that are unresolved.

MentalChaos

I read that yesterday and did a little bit of connecting the dots. There has been some kind of chaos going on for so long, and I just suppressed it like I did when I was a kid. But it’s all in there lashing out in my internal dialog. And when I indulge it, I open myself up to demonic attack. I know that sounds out there, but it is what it is. But my demonic encounters are a post for another day.

Finishing this thought will be for another day too in another post.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Life, Reading, Theological Thursday. | 14 Comments

I hit the wall

By on July 31, 2013

I started this post a while ago and abandoned it to the drafts folder. Then tried to write it yesterday and lost half of it. 3rd time’s the charm?

“I hit the wall” is a running (or any other endurance sport) term, but this isn’t about a run. And really, I’ve been metaphorically hitting the wall for a while now. I really have way more on my plate than I can handle, and have had for some time. And got “called out” for it during vacation by one of my cousins as I fought having a meltdown in her kitchen.

Back in March before the Tobacco Road, Karyn vowed to drag me across the finish line if I got to where I couldn’t even crawl to it. I think that is where I am at now, metaphorically. I am done. Spent. Enough so that I did something that I didn’t think I could get myself to do. I went to an Al-Anon meeting. Alone. The introvert who really just wants to blend in the background. And you can’t go to one of those types of meetings and stay completely silent. You have to at a minimum introduce yourself. It was just “Hi, I’m Martha,” but yeah, that was tough. But not nearly as tough as parking the car and actually getting my butt up out of the car and walking into the building.

I went to Al-Anon because I went to an open AA meeting last week. That wasn’t my first AA meeting (my second, actually), but it had a profound effect on me this time. Enough to put my social anxiety aside to give Al-Anon a chance. And dang if it wasn’t just like an AA meeting, so at least I was able to blend in somewhat.

serenity prayer-1

I’m no stranger to depression. High stress –> panic attacks –> depression. Depression is when I’ve hit the wall. I understand how people become suicidal. (I’m not. Just sayin’.) But when you are deep in the pit, sometimes you just can’t see that the circumstances that got you there are temporary. The dark is too crushing and feels more real than the truth.

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete. (2 Corinthians 10:3-6, ESV)

The near constant struggle for days against the onslaught of unwanted angry, bitter, vengeful thoughts has left me battle weary. I still have the thoughts from time to time, but at least it’s not a barrage. So there is some respite in the pit. Even during the onslaught, I could see how past trials were preparing for this one, but all I could think was “What’s next?” Each trial is worse than the last.

How broken do I have to be?

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18, ESV)

There is always purpose in the pain.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Life. | 4 Comments

The struggle is real

By on July 17, 2013

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. (2 Corinthians 1:8-9, ESV)

And once again, this is where I find myself. There was some tension and stress before I went on vacation, but it didn’t really seem that big. My mom has Alzheimer’s, so I spent a lot of time with her dealing with the effects of that. And I thank God for family there who are taking care of her. Then I came home to a nightmare. In no particular order, here is what has/is happening:

1. When I got back, my husband wasn’t home, wasn’t answering his phone, and the house house was trashed like he had partied like it was 1999.

2. The electricity is out in the master bedroom/bathroom. The breaker keeps tripping. I replaced the breaker (because that was cheap & easy), but the new one tripped immediately. So there is a short, and I am slowly replacing outlets and switches before blaming the ceiling fan. Because I don’t want to deal with the ceiling fan. A spider lives in it, and we have an agreement.

3. The dishwasher was not cleaning, and I pulled out a bunch of dirty dishes in the cabinet thanks to #1. Finally determined the problem was not enough water getting into the dishwasher. I checked both ends of the intake hose, and after checking the end attached to the dishwasher itself (the other end was way easier), I flooded the kitchen floor when testing. Ah, a leak in the hose! So I went through the trouble of replacing the intake hose (and pretty sure I contracted hantavirus), only to discover it was the drain hose with a huge hole that flooded the laundry room. 2nd trip to Lowes, and rather than replace the hose, I repaired it with some handy dandy emergency hose repair tape. And I had clean dishes this morning.

4. No TP. Ok, there was one roll downstairs, and 3 squares upstairs, but still. This wouldn’t have been a big deal if I hadn’t written on the white board when I left to buy toilet paper.

5. Broken windows. One is double paned and only one pane is broken, so it’s not such a huge deal. The other is a completely broken out single pane. Yeah, I don’t know how to fix window panes. The hubster did that. But I have no qualms about throwing up a piece of plywood.

6. The morning after I got home, he finally called. Suicidal & homicidal. So I picked him up and took him to the ER at Duke since he had been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist there and I knew he would be in the system. They locked him up in the psychiatric ward (which I am sure now has a politically correct name, but I’m old skool), and next day transferred him to an acute psychiatric and substance abuse treatment center. One of the things that contributed to his breakdown was running out of his meds. Naturally he “self medicated”, and went way overboard. As he does. And he is demanding long term treatment, but nobody will accept him with a pending court date. So now he has to get with his lawyer (somehow) and get the DWI resolved. And he wasn’t answering his phone because he destroyed it.

7. He got the truck stuck, and through the course of getting it out, got it impounded. Fortunately without another DWI or wrecking it. But it cost nearly $400 anyway between the tow and storage to get it back home.

8. He drove the daughter’s scooter across town and left it behind a friend’s house. That friend took him to another friend’s house which is where I picked him up from. No I’m not naming names. Anyway, picking up the scooter was an adventure with #7 that I will eventually blog about separately. But the hubby had someone work on the scooter so now it runs even worse than it did. :rolleye:

9. He lost his wallet. In.The.House. I still haven’t found it.

10. We have no money left. No savings. All credit cards maxed out. And the dude he worked for for 4 months still hasn’t paid him yet. Which was also a significant contribution to the breakdown. That and when he came back after the last rehab I told him not to get us back in debt again. And he can’t blame me this time.

11. The lawn mowers are at someone else’s house, and I have to retrieve them soon. Because the yard is out of control. If one friend isn’t able to bring them to the house by tomorrow, another friend is going to help me load the riding mower in the truck tomorrow after work.

(These have cropped up in the past 3 days.)

12. There is a dead mouse under my fridge stinking to high heaven and I just haven’t had the time or motivation (or stomach) to get it out.

13. Evie decided to start puking again. Ugh.

A lot on my plate? Oh yeah. More than I can handle. More than I can do. I’ve pretty much run the gamut of emotions. Fear, anger, despair. I’ve felt trapped, hopeless, and alone. It has been a constant battle with my emotions more than anything to process them, root out the lies, submit them to truth, and just do what I can a task at a time instead of looking at everything together. All together, it is so overwhelming that I end up sitting (or laying) down and playing minesweeper or whirly word much of the time while accomplishing nothing.

This is what happens when you pray “Whatever it takes.” The fact that I haven’t completely collapsed under the weight of it is testimony to the grace of God.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26, ESV)

To be continued…

This entry is filed under Confessional, Fail, Faith, Family, Life, Ramble, Rant, Trust.

Race 3 down

By on March 18, 2013

Karyn and I ran the Tobacco Road Half Marathon yesterday. My time was 3:20:53 which was about 22 min slower than the City of Oaks Half Marathon last November. But you know what? I didn’t and don’t even care because there is no way I should have been able to run that half. Yes, walkers passed me. Yes, when Karyn met me at mile 12 to make sure I finished, she walked as I “ran.” But I finished it, and celebrated by glutening myself with 2 slices of Papa John’s pizza. Karyn might have heard moaning that shouldn’t have been heard. lol And this is as much of a race recap as I care to do. Oh, and I am sore as heck today because I did not properly train. Not that I didn’t have a training plan. I just missed a LOT of training runs.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Diet, Exercise, Maniacal Monday, Running, Video.

“And where do we go from here?”

By on March 1, 2013

I have started, and deleted this post about 3 times now. It’s gone from snarky to whiny to incoherent. As I sit here trying for the 4th time to get this written, this version may be snarky AND whiny AND incoherent. See, there are events and conversations behind it that would give it the necessary context, but I don’t want to blog about those. But there was one conversation that has kind of served as a catalyst for wanting to write about this because something was said that kind of shook me up and made me think.

At one point I said essentially that doctrinally I am still a baptist. Then later as I thought on it I thought “But culturally, I don’t think I am.” This brought up the realization that I have been a baptist my whole life – 12 years longer than I’ve been a believer. So naturally, me being me, I “have” to question whether I have picked baptist churches as an adult because I am altogether baptist or if it’s because that’s all I know. I mean, seriously, up until the past month, aside from a handful of base chapel services when I was active duty, the only non-baptist church I had ever attended was a Catholic church with my best friend in high school for a few months.

There are some things that I am sure of.

1. I don’t want my “Christian experience” to consist of just church attendance. That’s performance. I did that for my entire childhood as a deacon’s kid. I don’t want to just play the part at church services and functions. Like I said, been there done that.

2. I don’t want to go through the motions and not get out of my comfort zone. Kind of like #1, only I want to perform in a way that brings glory to God and not attention to me. “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.”

3. I want to reach out to the lost, particularly the unchurched. You know, the ones who don’t know how to “perform” as a “good Christian” is supposed to. Rough, crude, and unpolished. The ones that folks who grew up in church and never openly rebelled/strayed don’t know how to relate to.

4. I don’t want to “get our country back to God” by means of political activism under the banner of the church. We cannot ever change a culture of any kind through politics. No law ever changed a person’s heart. Plus, the USA has never been nor will ever be the new Israel which is to say we, as a country, are NOT God’s chosen people.

So far, this seems to be kind of a ramble, but whatever. That’s what happens when I don’t fully contextualize. šŸ˜‰ Where I am right now is with my family looking for a new home church. Let me tell you, when you leave a church where you love each and every person there, it is like breaking up. It’s not pleasant. It hurts. It hurts you, and it hurts them. But sometimes you have to move on for the sake of the whole family, and when your kids don’t want to go anymore, and you reach the point that it is nearly impossible to force them, it’s time to move on. Hence the dilemma. Do I continue to press for a baptist church out of tradition? And I have come to the conclusion that what I want is a church faithful to scripture, zealous for evangelism and discipleship, as focused on children and youth ministries as adult, and not afraid to open up in worship and in life (meaning, you can’t be open if you “bite and devour” aka gossip and backbite).

I think I managed to hit snarky, whiny, and incoherent. Therefore, since I have labored over this post for well over a week, I leave you with a little “Flyman.”

This entry is filed under Confessional, Faith, Family, Life, Ramble, Theological Thursday, Totally Judging, Video. | 10 Comments

Something is missing

By on January 16, 2013

I generally try to come up with a title and write around it. That doesnā€™t always work out so well, and is often why I end up not writing at all. Eh, whatever. This time, though, I know what I want as title because it is the subject of what I want to write about. And for some reason, thinking ā€œSomething is missingā€ reminds me of that scene from Star Trek: Generations when Picard meets Kirk in the Nexus. And as an aside, I generally donā€™t think the odd numbered Star Trek movies are all the great. This was #7. But itā€™s Kirk, and I am digressing.

Over a 9 day span, I had migraines for 7 of the days. I have never had migraines like that. They werenā€™t so bad I couldnā€™t go to work, but while I forced myself to work, that was the only place I forced myself to. This past Sunday, I finally decided that since I didnā€™t have anywhere I absolutely had to go, that I would take a valium and see how that worked. All the pain went away, and I sat all afternoon knitting. Ok, not all afternoon. I did get up from time to time and do stuff. And it made me a little dizzy which made me a little sick so itā€™s not like I want to take it again. However, it confirmed that my migraines were from stress and tension. I already suspected that. Oh, and I havenā€™t had a migraine since. 3 days straight. Imagine!

But even before the pain lifted, I knew that something had to happen. Something had to change. Petra has quoted this to me time and time again:

for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
(2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)

At least I think thatā€™s the one. šŸ˜‰ Anyway, you would think it would eventually sink into my thick head. But, no, I have to learn the same lessons over and over the hard way. Itā€™s so frustrating, and maddening. I know this stuff. I grew up with it. Why after all these years is it still not sticking?

Iā€™ve noticed that over the past couple of years I have grown less judgemental of non-believers, and have finally got it through my head that not everyone grew up saturated in a ā€œfundamentalistā€ Baptist church in the Bible belt where most everyone is assumed to at least be a regular church attendee with at least a basic knowledge of the Bible belt legalistic moralism ā€œChristianity.ā€ See what I did there? My judgementalism transferred from non-believers to Christians. I seem to so easily point out what is wrong with other Christians, while still setting myself up in my ivory tower of self-righteouness because I ā€œget it.ā€ Except I didnā€™t.

Last week it finally sunk in that I was missing something, and it isn’t toast. šŸ˜‰ Something big that was keeping me back and hindering my prayers and keeping me from experience the peace and joy that I am supposed to have. Now I know that doesnā€™t mean Iā€™m supposed to have a carefree easy life. Jesus didnā€™t say, ā€œTake up your Lazyboy and chill outā€ but ā€œTake up your cross and follow me.ā€ I understand what that means, and it is by no means an easy, comfortable life. But yet I still try to control circumstances around me so that life’s easier or so I don’t get hurt. Fear and worry. Lacking trust in the One who is the only one I can trust.

Paul said,

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
(Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)

Contentment escapes me. Even when things are going fairly well, and I feel like I’m getting a breather, something is missing. I have come to the conclusion (partially from judging others for this very thing) that what I am missing is the Holy Spirit. Not that the Holy Spirit isn’t there,

In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit,
(Ephesians 1:13 ESV)

but that I have spent so much of my life working at controlling the circumstances around me that I have missed out on the Spirit’s power in my life. The power to make me content no matter the circumstances. The power to feel peace and joy when the world is falling apart around me. But most of all the power to obey. The power to forgive. The power to love. The power to praise God no matter what, and to trust Him completely with everything. Because He is in control anyway. And this all changed what I prayed for. Because I asked for what I also fear while confessing the fear as I prayed. I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t know. But I can’t overcome the fear without the Spirit either.

And now I wait.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Faith, Life, LinkWhoring, Reading, Totally Judging. | 6 Comments

More than I can handle

By on December 12, 2012

I am going to state up front, that Pastor Roger preached a sermon about this earlier this year, so it isn’t something I came up with on my own. On the other hand, it isn’t straight-up plagiarism either. I hope. šŸ˜‰

I have heard it said many times that “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” The thing is, I haven’t found that in the Bible. There is this:

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV)

But that is dealing only with temptation and not trials of life. Sometimes we get so bombarded with trial after trial on top of trial, and I for one am right now at the point that I don’t think I can handle one more trial. I told a friend last week that maybe I should meltdown on the next person that tells me how strong I am. lol Because seriously, I am NOT as strong as I appear. Not even remotely close.

This isn’t the first time I have felt like I had more than I can handle, but I have to say that this time around it’s like the hits keep coming. Several years ago, I was tdy to Ft Gordon for class, and one day we all went to Myrtle Beach. At some point, I got knocked under by a wave, and when I came up, I got smacked by another before I could catch my breath, and this went on for a couple more waves before I finally got my feet planted which was well after panic set in. That’s kind of how I feel now; like the waves are coming faster than I can get a breath.

For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. (2 Corinthians 1:8-11 ESV)

Last week I let one of my friends at work know about one of the biggest trials going on because it is/was to have an impact on me being at work. Turns out not a huge impact at this point, but I’m not getting into that yet. Anyway, she asked me a few minutes later, “How can you stand there and smile like everything is ok?” I answered, “I have a lot of friends praying for me.” Well, that and I am pretty good at faking everything being ok when it isn’t.

In the midst of all this, I rely on God to get me though. To carry me when I don’t have the strength to get out of the bed in the morning. To give me the strength of will to hold my tongue rather than lash out in anger with verbal diarrhea. To not be so self-focused as to fail to pray for my friends who are going through their own trials. To remember that God is in control, and the suffering is temporary. To rest in the knowledge that Jesus redeemed me, and gave me the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide me…and to set my feet against the waves so I can breathe.

This entry is filed under Confessional, Faith, Theological Thursday, Trust. | 2 Comments

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