“Time makes you bolder…”

I have an interesting (or not) history with my mouth. The same mouth that often landed me either in the corner or on the receiving end of a paddle or separated from the rest of the class, doesn’t really like to run so much as it did. Or maybe it just comes and goes. I don’t know. It’s weird. I’m weird. Whatever. ;) I’ve said this a few times to a few people (and maybe in a post or two before) that I can write what I just can’t say. Generally speaking, I avoid talking when it’s a subject that matters. This makes therapy REALLY hard for me. And my therapist. I did verbally vomit on my therapist during our first session. That was interesting for me because I spewed out a LOT of stuff that at the time I didn’t even think were related. And just like physical vomited, I was completely drained afterward.

It happened the other night again. At Al-Anon. I’ve kind of prided myself (haha) on being open whenever I have to speak, but not rambling on and on. Well, that streak ended. Partway through the verbal vomit, I realized I was just verbally vomiting, but I couldn’t stop it. It just kept right on flowing unchecked. It was almost surreal.

I still want to just sit quietly and absorb. But that’s just not the way recovery works. Sometimes you just have to get over yourself and throw up what doesn’t need to be sitting and stagnating. Sometimes it is for no other reason than to have someone else tell you that what you have ingested is not healthy and that’s why you threw it up. Unrealistic/unmet expectations hurt. Broken promises hurt. When allowed to build up, the hurt can lead to resentment and then bitterness which seem to taste and feel good for a time. Resentment rots. Bitterness rots. And the rot is going to make you vomit at some point.

Sometimes running is just weird

Also, race recaps are hard for me. This is why I generally don’t do them. Ok, I do them, but not like most runners do recaps. Perhaps it is the self-diagnosed ADHD. Squirrel! ;)

Anywho, I misunderstood the dates for the Snowflake Shuffle 8k, and thought is was last weekend. Which wasn’t happening. No running happened last weekend. Actually, no running has happened since the Morrow Mountain 15k. Because injury (mild), sick, and polar vortexes. So I have done absolutely no runs towards the Winter Miles Challenge. And then Thursday I went home sick with some kind of plague that came on suddenly and had me in bed wishing for death. I got better.

So, when I saw that the 8k was through this weekend, I saw a glimmer of hope to actually do it. Oddly (for me) I woke up this morning ready to run. That almost never happens. But I got dressed, and got out there and did it. I told the hubster the route I was going to take stating “I am NOT running down to the Rocky River and back up that hill.” Yet when I got to my turn around point at the top of said hill, I said “What the heck,” and did it anyway. That made the turnaround just past the river bridge, and I decided to stop and take pictures. Because that’s how I roll. I didn’t even pause my watch during the photo shoot.

I didn’t quite run all the way back up that hill. I made it halfway and then walked and wheezed my way to the top. But I ran the rest of the 2 miles back except for after I called the hubster and then couldn’t get my phone back in its holder. And the run felt good. The whole way. Minimal knee pain. No back pain. It was as if I hadn’t just run for the first time in a month. Weird!

With less than a mile to go, I had a little meltdown. Every now and then I’ll have a running meltdown that has nothing to do with running. It always happens in front of someone’s house. It wasn’t bad enough to stop over, but still. It was “public.” But brief.

So race 2 is out of the way for the year.

And I intend to spend the rest of the day reading and drinking chai tea lattes.

Lucille 2 has left the building

You know what I haven’t done in a while? A list.

1. Instagram is so flaky via web. At least mine is. Likes I leave disappear. Comments I leave show up on different photos. Aggravating.

2. I wuss out so easily on a virtual run. As I was pushing my entire grocery budget full of groceries across the Walmart parking lot Saturday afternoon, I told Jamie that I would NOT be running outside in that wind. Then I texted Petra to say it would be 5 (4.97) elliptical miles. Then that didn’t even happen. Hindsight: I should tell Karyn and Molly before I have to run that I need to run. I listen to them better when exercise is involved.

3. Speaking of Petra, we went to La Dolce Vita Friday night because I wanted pizza. So after the waitress leaves after we gave her our orders Petra says to me, “Did you just wink at her?” I didn’t even realize I did it. There we have it. I’m a winker. Apparently. And I said “winker” not “wanker.”

4. I played with the C.O.R.E. Worship Team yesterday. As always it was fun, and this time I didn’t need my chord cheat except for one song. Bradford got us all together for a group shot after the last service (minus one):

The last service was extra fun (or funny) because I had a case of vertigo going on.

Vertigo

That’s how I felt. Like Lucille Two. I nearly fell over several times including in the bathroom.

5. This irritated me.

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I really dislike political and religious bumper stickers. Doesn’t matter what side either.

6. I’ve been really slack lately commenting on other people’s blogs. I’m still reading, I just can’t generally formulate anything more than “Hey, great post,” which just feels like commenting to get people to read my blog. Not that I have ever been above link whoring, but this just seems dirtier.

I need to start journaling again

I am really glad I haven’t written in my journal since February 7, 2013. Kind of. I’m glad because so much of it consists of a record of James’ drinking, and did not and do not need to keep track of that. The last entry was about my dad; the first time I put down in writing that he was verbally abusive, and that I suffered because of it. I have now pretty much addressed all that, and am working on healing (and not perpetuating it).

With those 2 big things to deal with, I am glad I finally broke down (literally), and am getting treatment. I am also glad that Dr Garlick convinced me to continue taking happy pills with the half dose. In fact, I might even see about having him add a mild anti-anxiety since recurrent anxiety is as big an issue and the recurrent depression.

And here I am still putting my junk out on the blog. lol. Except not really. There are things that I’ve heard and read over the past few days that I really need to capture. But it’s not stuff that needs to be blogged. So why even mention it at all in a blog post? :dunno: I don’t know. I feel like writing, but I just don’t really have anything to say?

Anyway, I see my feelings doctor this evening. She’ll get a lot of the details. :)

Learning empathy

Last week was kind of a rough week. By rough I mean busy. And as an aside, if you ever get desperate for entertainment, go spend a day in traffic court. Oh, my word. The only thing I will relay though, is James’ case is now over. The court was merciful with the DWI to the extent the judge could be, and for the next year, I am the only licensed driver in my household. What does that have to do with anything? More than one would think. The kids were bombarding me Sunday with their needs (aka wants), and I finally had to say, “Look. I know I am currently the only responsible person in our household. I can’t do everything for everybody. I can only do so much.” Given the awkward silence, I think maybe they got it, and they quit making demands. Well, until we got to Walmart anyway. ;)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5, ESV)

I was profoundly moved last year when I attended an AA meeting. It more exemplified James 5:16 than I’ve ever seen in church. That was the final push I needed to finally start attending Al-Anon. It’s in Al-Anon where I see 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 in action. Not that I haven’t or don’t see it in church. I’ve just been more able to see it in targeted manner in Al-Anon. Because in many ways that’s what we do because while our individual circumstances are different, we can all understand what each other are going through. Those who have been in the program for a long time are a huge help to us newbies just by understanding and listening.

Over the post few years, I have slowly started first facing and then working through my childhood issues which are “Daddy issues.” I didn’t really realize to what extent I had been affected and why until I read Age of Opportunity by Paul David Tripp. I was able to identify the root of a lot of my issues and some of the root causes. And it is still on-going as I try to come to terms with them while also working through the issues of being married to an alcoholic and drug addict.

My life has been hard from an emotional standpoint, and it could have been so much worse. I have bounced back and forth between avoidance, suppression, and acting out. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for almost as long as I can remember. Sometimes all seems right in the world, and I feel great. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I want to run away and hide. Sometimes the pain and the darkness are so oppressive that I can barely function. Often there is nothing going on around me to match how I am feeling. This makes me wonder how much of my emotional turmoil is just delayed response.

I have done my share of questioning with why me. Why did that happen to me? Why do these things keep happening? But sometimes, I can look at myself and wonder why did God choose to redeem me. I know the choices I have made that I can’t blame on abuse. I know the things I’ve done that I can’t even attribute to peer pressure. I’ve been both the victim and the bully. God knows those things too. Jesus died because of those things. Yet He called me and redeemed me. And so I have a completely different view of the suffering I have and do endure that I did not bring on myself, as well as what I did. I can empathize.

I think empathy makes it much easier to show compassion. Therefore, I am able to see the crap I have had to deal with that I didn’t cause, while it sucked big time, has a greater purpose. And the crap I’ve had to deal with that was self-inflicted can also have a purpose for good.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:12-17, ESV)

And in all of the mess and pain and chaos, I can be thankful because it has forced me to rely on God instead of trying to push through on my own strength. One of the sayings in Al-Anon is “Let go and let God.” This is what I am learning much more slowly than I would like. But even in my deepest despair, I still can have hope. Not “I hope things get better,” because that is a really a wish. I have hope knowing that there will be a day when God Himself will wipe the tears from my eyes. And with the empathy and compassion I am being taught through my pain, I can pass this hope on to others.

“This was dumb!”

Remember when I said there might be a weekend post? ;)

The first race of 2014 is done. Karyn and I ran the Morrow Mountain 15K. Well, sort of. 3 mountain peaks: Sugarloaf, Hattaway, and Morrow Mountains. Many stops were made up the first mountain, and I rolled my ankle on the way down. 2 miles in, and I considered stopping. By halfway, I was sure I had broken a toe. But we powerwalked it out until I couldn’t do much more than just keep moving. Karyn wouldn’t leave me (even at the end when I told her to – lol), and so she heard me drop the f-bomb and repeatedly complain about needing to poop. #everybodypoops

Did I mention it was cold? Karyn wore 4 layers, and I just wore 3. I should have worn another layer, and I sure should have worn thicker gloves. I had the temp blocked, but Karyn said it was 14F when we started.

Did I mention this was a trail race? At the top of the first peak, I stopped for a minute, looked at Karyn and said “This was dumb!” She said that sounded exactly like Jamie. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. lol

Even had a downed tree across the 2nd loop.

I just kind of rolled over it. But the scenery was beautiful even if we did lose our sunshine, and I was afraid of tumbling down the mountains to my death. Or at least intense pain.

At the top of the last peak, Karyn told the guys at the aid station that I had rolled my ankle. They asked if I needed a ride down. During the last mile, I regretted turning down that ride. Anyway, we were still well ahead of the sweeper, and had just under 3 miles left of which they said was 90% downhill. That last mile was the longest ever. Karyn said it was at least 12 miles long. And it was about that time that another racer came up out of nowhere catching up with us. Kept trying to telepathically tell Karyn not to stop for me and not to let that woman beat us. When we finally got within sight of the finish line, I told Karyn out loud not to stop or slow down for me and to go finish. But she didn’t, and so we were the last 2 because I didn’t have anything left to push across the finish line before that other chick. And Karyn refused to leave me even that close. That’s a true friend because I know how competitive she is. :)

Yeah, I was dead last, but we were both 3rd in our age groups. Of course I would have been 2nd if it hadn’t been for that chick that beat us at the end. ;)

And what we never did last year, we did for this one. An after photo.

It took almost 3 and half hours. 3:27 and some change. When we got back to the car (and I am pretty sure they moved the parking lot about a mile away from where it was when we got there) and took our gloves off, our hands were all swollen and blue. I almost freaked out over that. Thank goodness I was too tired to freak out. lol. My right shin and calf started cramping in Troy, and I almost pulled over and had Karyn drive us back.

We both agree that was the hardest race ever! But, oh, man, it was fun! And I am so glad we got to run together again! I missed my running partner!

Funday Friday #29

This is going to be my last “Funday Friday” post. Probably. ;) I’ve decided I am going to stop the whole attempt at theme day blogging and go back to how I was just writing what I wanted to write when I wanted to write. And if that means 2 months between posts, well, someone should tell me to blog something after about a week. I’m looking at you Molly. :)

It is so freaking cold outside!!! And I know Molly doesn’t want to hear about the cold here. Sorry Molz. ;)

I’ve been carbing up all week for tomorrow’s 15k. At least that is my excuse for all the tater tots I have consumed.

Amber earned her keep this morning.

CatvsCatreMouse

And she told Tiger (and everyone else) through a steady stream of growling that it was her mouse.

Have a great weekend, and I just might blog over the weekend. But don’t hold your breath. ;)

Happy 2014

I for one am glad 2013 is over. On the other hand, 2014 might not be better as I may or may not have a job come March when the contract ends. But, contracts come, and contracts go, and it’s not like I haven’t been through a contract end before. It is completely out of my hands, and far above my pay grade. Ok, not that far, but I’m not involved so it’s far enough. ;)

The year ended pretty craptastically. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say, I made my first ever Al-Anon call last night. I don’t make phone calls either. But as I was soaking in epsom salts last night (and finally getting warm), I started reading my Al-Anon literature because I hadn’t in a month and a half. And I kept hearing, “Read your literature. Keep coming back.” Being New Year’s Eve, I wasn’t sure if they would have a normal meeting last night, so I called someone from the group to find out. They were having a New Year’s Eve party with the AA group, and I opted not to go for that since it had started half an hour before I made the call. But, hey. I called someone.

As I lay on the bed reading and petting Tiger (because he forces you to pet him), I decided to start thinking about how I had felt the last 2 or 3 weeks. I started feeling like I had gotten it. The peace I was desperate for. Then reality hit again. So I spent much of New Year’s Eve reading my Al-Anon literature after making that phone call. I didn’t find peace per se, but I did relax some. And I started thinking up some goals.

photo 1

1. Read my Al-Anon literature daily.

For reasons I already alluded to.

2. Get a sponsor in Al-Anon.

I’ve been using Petra for this. But, I’m side-stepping the program that way since she isn’t in Al-Anon.

3. Read through the Bible.

This is pretty much a standard goal, and I haven’t completed it the last 2 years. I finished the 2012 read through well into 2013, and it will still be a little while before I finish the 2013 read through. I pick a different translation each year. Last year was the ESV, and this year will be the NRSV with Apocrypha. I’ve never read the Apocrypha growing up Baptist.

4. Run 14 races.

First race Saturday.

5. Finish Jamie’s scarf.

Surely I can do this in a year. ;)

6. Join a life group at church.

Because as much as I harp about accountability (at least in my head), I should have some within my church. ;)

7. Finish all the books I’ve started.

photo 2

That isn’t even all of them. There is one more hard copy book that Petra gave me to read, and there are at least 2 and maybe 3 Kindle/Nook books I have started and haven’t finished.

8. Do the Winter Miles Challenge 2014.

I’m only doing the beginner because I know me. Also, the longest race I plan on doing this year is a 10 miler.

This is pretty much the extent that I want to list out goals for the year. Note that I didn’t list pushups. ;)

Maniacal Monday #29

I bought 2 new pairs of pants over the weekend. This morning I put on one of them thinking they were brown. They are purple. I’m not even the least bit mad. ;)

I am sick again. It’s the same crap as I had a couple of weeks ago so I guess the hubs and I are just passing it back and forth. Saturday felt like a hangover and it has gone downhill from there. And yes, I am guzzling water.

I made a little trip to Cary Friday that I didn’t really want to make. But, I got a pickup ordered for my acoustic guitar. Actually, 2 got ordered so I will have to take one back. :sigh: I picked up some stuff from Michaels which wasn’t really a bad experience. The line wasn’t real crazy. But, I walked into Old Navy, and turned around and walked back out because it WAS crazy. Then I went to JC Penney to get a new purse, which is how I ended up with new pants and bras. Because sales. Anyway, I get back home, and James came out, and then asked “What happened?” while pointing at the front of my car.

I broke my car. I looked up underneath the bumper and saw bunch of dead grass stuck, and then remembered a few days ago turning too soon out of the driveway and hitting the ditch a little. Guess it was a little more hit than I thought. :(

Despite the sick, I was determined to get my hair cut Saturday. Nothing big, just layered. I was tired, and as the lady was cutting, there were a couple of times I shut my eyes, and was on the verge of napping. I think if it had been a dude, I would have gone to sleep because men play with your hair way more than women. Anyway, got that all done and went on a shopping trip to Walmart because I just couldn’t see any way around it without going farther than I wanted to go and spending more than I wanted to spend. The north Chatham Walmart wasn’t all crazy, and it really wasn’t a bad trip at all.

A couple of weeks or so ago, I saw a giveaway on a blog for a necklace that I loved! I’m pretty sure since I have heard nothing, I didn’t win. However, I thought, “I can make that.” It took a lot of trips for chains and connecting rings, and finally some ingenuity, but I made a similar necklace. Also, I made about 5 other necklaces, and have an idea I’m toying around with in my head with regards to jewelry making. I have no pictures yet.

Sunday morning, I had a weird dream. I have lots of weird dreams, but there was a lot of things in this dream that overlapped even though they are not at all related. I had to return a lawn mower to Lowes. But this Lowes in my dream had like a park on the grounds, and the Bridges family were there picnicking. Specifically, Gerald & Bonnie, Joe & Karyn & kids, and Jerry & Deanna & kids. Oh, and I haven’t met Jerry & Deanna in real life. I pretty much know what prompted them all being in the dream, but not at a park at Lowes. Anyway, so I decided the lawn mower in question needed to be tested one more time before returning, so I went out to the highway shoulder to mow. There was a woman out there mowing and she stopped to help a passerby whose car was pulled over on the shoulder in front of her. I needed to ask her if it was ok if I mowed a little bit too, and she wouldn’t stop and let me ask her that real quick so I yelled at her and made her let me ask. And then I mowed anyway, and the mower worked fine. After waking up, I realized that rude woman was the Commissary manager at Tinker AFB when I was stationed there who ignored me when I tried to stop and ask her about formula. Apparently, I am still angry about that incident. lol

I was on the worship team schedule for Sunday, and got there early in the pouring down rain. I was chatting with Pastor Nate a little bit, and he spoke an email into his phone for later, and then said how nice it is that Siri takes those down for him like that. I mentioned that my Siri can’t understand me because either I slur my words, or mumble, or talk too hillbilly to it. That prompted him to ask where I am from originally. Told him Arkansas and he said, “Really? Where in Arkansas?” So I gave him the standard where Morrilton is before saying Morrilton. Because even Arkansans don’t know where Birdtown is unless they are from Conway County or related. Anyway, he said, “So about an hour away from Stuttgart?” Because Pastor Benji was in Stuttgart duck hunting. Small world. Bradford had to change the key of one of the songs. Was not a big deal since it was just a B to A, and I was able to do the chord changes pretty well since it was just 4 chords. I think I lost my place playing during every single song. Shawn said it all sounded great, so I guess I didn’t do too bad. :) There was no afternoon service, and James was at Lee & Rachel’s for the afternoon, and I had a nice quiet house to myself for the afternoon. It was fantastic.

James cooked beans, but they didn’t get done until late, and I kept looking at a steak in the fridge and told him that it needed to be cooked or frozen soon. So he cooked it for me. He then said, that if it was too much that he would finish it off for me. I said, “Oh, I can take in a lot of meat.” And giggled. He said, “Yes, I know.” hahaha!

Last night, I was so worn out that I got in the bed at like 7. I was also cold and couldn’t get my feet warm, so that was another reason. Anyway, I was laying there reading, and my phone rang. After saying “What the heck” because no one calls my cell phone that late on a Sunday, I picked it up and it was Chad. So I answered with “Really?” He said something about Tumblr being blocked again, and I said “You could have just texted me.” Regardless, he didn’t know I was home. lol. And Tumblr was blocked again this morning even though I specifically allowed it multiple times, so I’m switching out AVG’s filter for NetNanny tonight.

2013 Race Recap #13in2013

Compiling this post made me so sad with all the photos of me & Karyn in the first half of the year. But at least I had 3 races at the end of the year with the Brick City Running Tribe. Then I have guilt because I don’t show up for Tuesday night runs in the winter. Not too much guilt though, and I’m not the only one. ;) Oh, and I will get to run my first race of 2014 with Karyn.

FYI – this isn’t an indepth review of each race. It’s mainly a list with times and photos. ;)

1. 2/2/2013 6th Annual Anderson Creek Club 10k – 1:21:51

1-ACC-10K

It was so freaking cold. It didn’t get above freezing until after I had gotten Starbucks AFTER the race.

Run for Sherry (didn’t count this one with the races)

Picture 24

This was a training run, and pretty sure it was the 9 miler where I limped home with a blister.

2. 2/23/2013 Miles for Missions 5k – 37:00

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It poured down rain the whole race. At least it was in the 40sF. ;)

3. 3/17/2013 – Tobacco Trail Half Marathon – 3:20:53

4-ATT-Half

Halfs. Where I run slower than walkers. lol.

4. 4/13/2013 – Rabbit Run 5k – 40:06:38

First run of the year without Karyn. She was in Charlotte running a half. I was sick. Again.

5. 4/28/2013 – Sanford FitnessFest 10k – 1:19:18

I came in dead last.

6. 5/18/2013 – The Ninja Challenge Obstacle 5K – 1:27:52

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I flat out skipped the last obstacle without attempting it.

7. 5/25/2013 – Someone Special Like Me 5k – 40:52

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Cold in May. Much like this past weekend where it was mid-70s right before Christmas.

8. 6/27/2013 – Esprit de She Cary, NC 5k – 39:27

It was so hot and so humid.

9. 7/28/2013 – Running Mad 2013 Summer Virtual Half Marathon – 3:14:18

I finished this strictly on technicality. By that I mean I combined 2 or 3 bad training runs to add up to 13.1 miles. The rules allowed it. Stop judging me. My life fell apart in July. ;)

10. 8/24/2013 – CARA Run for Their Lives 10k – 1:24:11

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I was much faster last year. See the last sentence of #9.

Ride Out Cancer Virtual 50k

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This wasn’t a run. Obviously. lol I did this instead of the trail marathon I signed up for, changed to a half, and then just didn’t do. Was probably another result of the last sentence of #9. But I enjoyed 31 miles of biking.

11. 11/9/2013 – Run to Reclaim 5k – 36:42

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This was unplanned, but Karyn talked me into doing this one while she did a 5k supporting orphans in Memphis. Our way of running together virtually. And it was a great race.

12. 11/16/2013 – The Dynamic Duel Canada vs USA Virtual 5k – 44:02 (3.4 mi)

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This was Molly’s doing. I miss running with her too. :( And this 5k was 5.4 miles. Just because. ;)

13. 11/23/2013 – Gerome’s Victory 5k Run/Walk – 37:21

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This was my last race before I bought new shoes. I felt really good during this one until that hill by Roses.

14. 12/7/2013 – Reindeer Fun Run 12ks of Christmas – 1:41:08

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Cold & rainy, but I was not dead last even though they tore down the race as the last 3 of us were struggling in.

I am still waiting on 2 medals, but here is my 2013 bling rack. Karyn made me this to show off my bling and bibs. Once the remaining medals arrive, there will be a big photo with all the bibs. Because that’s how I roll. lol

Bling