Archive for the Remembrance Category

Perspective and attitude

Perspective has a way of changing your attitude. Being the control freak that I am, my perspective has always been self-centered. My personal comfort took priority in how I looked at the world and situations. When things didn't (or don't) go the way I think they should, I end up on the pity pot only seeing the bad and never the good. This has been most evident with my relationship with my dad. Yes the verbal abuse did a lot of damage. Yes, the lack of affirmation negatively affected me psychologically which in turn affected every relationship I've ever had with anyone including God. This was understandable and even excusable when I was a child. I didn't have the capacity as a child to do anything more than develop ways to cope that allowed me to emotionally survive. Those coping skills long outlived their usefulness. Since my mom worked outside the home when I was a child, I spent a lot of time with my dad. It was practically 24x7 until I started school so I am naturally like him in many ways. My mom did her best to counter many of the negative traits I picked either by imitation or genetics, but in ways that did not teach me to disrespect either of them. I am grateful for that now. Now I can see him as a father who did the best he could amidst his own character defects. And he tried to raise me to be respectful of others and independent and grounded in faith in God. I just finished reading Barnabas Piper's book The Pastor's Kid. I'm a deacon's kid, but much of what Barnabas wrote mirrored my own DK experience. I found much healing through his experience as a PK. I can now look my on my dad with a different perspective not only because of what Barnabas wrote of his experience, but also through working through my own issues and character defects. Daddy taught small groups off and on at church up until I was 15. Throughout those years I saw him do a lot of study in preparation for teaching. He didn't do it silently and would discuss it with my mom. It one pretty much one sided, but he was teaching as he was preparing to teach. I reaped the benefits of his preparation in that I was given a strong foundation for my own faith. Both he and my mom always encouraged me to study scripture for myself and not just blindly believe everything I heard either from the pulpit or from the classes I was in.
Acts 17:11 NIV " Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true."
This was instilled in me more deeply than Missionary Baptist doctrine. Daddy learned what other denominations believed and taught me that as well even going to far as to teach me there was no doctrinal difference between Missionary Baptists and Southern Baptists. He made sure that I knew salvation was in Jesus and not in a particular church. That was a priceless gift. When I started kindergarten, Daddy sat me down one day and had what I thought at the time was a weird talk. He talked to be about black people. Up to this point, I really hadn't been around many black people because church and family were lily white. I don't have any preschool memory of black people who weren't on TV. He made it a point to explain to me that there was no difference between us and black people except for skin pigmentation and that didn't matter. They had the same hearts and minds and I was never ever to call a black person "nigger" because it was hurtful. When I was older the conversation made sense, and it's another thing I am grateful for because even though I wasn't able to completely escape Southern culture race issues, that one conversation always came back to me to remind me that we are all human and I need to respect and love other people no matter our outside differences. It's what's inside that matters. Daddy was a very smart man who could do just about anything. He was electrician, plumber, auto mechanic, small engine mechanic, gardener, and carpenter. He was also a fantastic cook who made the best apple and coconut cream pies I've ever eaten. He taught me much of that though mostly by watching and listening. But I do remember him taking the time to teach me how to do simple auto maintenance like checking and adding fluid and changing a tire. He is why I know my way around a breaker or fuse box. Throughout my childhood he did a lot of electrical, plumbing, and carpenter work for his sisters, widows in our community, and other family and friends. He taught by example to help others. And much of those skills he taught me explicitly were done before he went to prison I think because he saw I had the desire and the capacity to do minor maintenance and repairs that my mom lacked. She could cook and clean, and even do some gardening, but because she worked full time, she didn't have time to do everything that needed to be done and had no inclination towards mechanical stuff. He ensured we weren't left hanging, utterly dependent on other people for little things. I remember when I played softball, Daddy would practice with me. I hated it most of the time because he and Mom both concentrated on my weakest area of catching which was grounders that I had to run for. Haha. He only missed one of my softball games. He didn't miss any basketball game I played. He was there for every play and concert. When I was in the hospital he was there when my mom needed to go home and rest and a lot of the time when she was there too. He made me stay in bed when I was sick and made me drink lots of water and made my favorite foods so that I would actually eat. He helped me with homework and would play games with me. He even taught me how to play poker. Thankfully I didn't get inherit his ability to count cards and don't like losing money so as not to have a gambling problem. ;-) He was overprotective in a lot of ways and tended to over and under react, but I understand now that it was fear that caused it. He didn't necessarily love me in the ways I wanted, but he did love me and I can look back and see that now. He made many mistakes, but he made those because he had his own sickness and demons to contend with. He couldn't be a perfect dad because he was human. But he did love me and he did try the best he could to raise me to put my faith in God and to grow up to be a responsible adult rather than a perpetual impulsive child. For that I can be grateful and honor him with love and respect.

Adventures in Arkansas

I really should have sat down and written last night when I had things to say. Or at least made a note of what I wanted to write about like I suggested to Petra. Haha! But in my defense, I was sick as a dog from the flight back from Arkansas. But Enterprise hooked me up with a sweet rental car: I almost didn't make that trip. I really didn't want to. I didn't want to face my mom's health issues because avoidance is my default action (or inaction as it were) when I can't practice full on denial. But I plucked up the courage to do it anyway. Oh my word. Her short term memory is completely gone. She had a stroke while she was in the hospital recovering from pneumonia (and she has COPD), and while the memory issues could be attributed to Alzheimer's, her inability to say the right words is not something she had prior. It was hard. Hard to listen to and watch her struggle to get out what she wanted to say, and hard to figure out what she meant. But she gets around fine, and I wore her out! Because that's how I roll. ;) She's in the nursing home for rehabilitation, and they let me check her out and run her around. I took her to the Veteran's Walk of Flags by the hospital first. We did not walk the whole thing. But my cousin Sharon was interviewed later that day while she was there: Flags Flying for Veterans In Morrilton Today It is such a beautiful and humbling display, and I feel honored that I now have a flag among so many others. I am so very grateful to Sharon for making sure all the Eoff family veterans got flags. Then we went out to the Bishop family reunion and I didn't take a single picture of any of my family. :( I did take one down at the creek: Because the reunion isn't just complete without a walk down to the creek. It was the thing to do when I was a kid, and it still is at 44. Not that I got off the bridge because the possibility of falling and getting wet doesn't appeal to me anymore. Mainly because I didn't want my phone ruined. haha! But I had a great time, and didn't get glutened. Mom seemed to know everybody and that was great! I had a good talk with my sister-in-law even if it was short and kept semi on the down low given what I shared with her. And throughout the weekend I got to have really good visits with family and a couple old friends and my mom's neighbor. And then after I dropped Mom off Saturday night and left the nursing home, I drove around town and bawled. Now, I don't like to fly, and have been terrified of flying since 1999. So as I drove up to RDU to leave, I thought I would try a little something different than I normally do. See, normally the DragonLady doesn't get on a plane sober. Granted, last summer I flew sober, but I was a wreck the whole time. This time, drinking wasn't an option I was willing to entertain so I prayed and asked God to remove my fear of flying. You know, it worked. I was not at all scared coming or going. Even with the turbulence and thunderstorms around Charlotte. And no, I didn't ask God to give me a good rental car. That was pure bonus. hahaha!

Maniacal Monday #23

I had one of the best and most exhausting weekends in a while. Seriously, 7pm last night, I crashed. It was great. Ok, it was mostly great. There was a lot of yelling when I got home Friday. I even fired James. "I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome." - Truvy Jones. And on that note, I put on my black yoga pants Saturday afternoon, and those things are always covered with lint, fuzz, and hair. My hair, dog hair, and cat hair. Because we all shed. I immediately thought of that scene in Steel Magnolias when Truvy hires Annelle and Annelle tells Truvy she has "tiny little hairs and fuzzies" all over her. Truvy's response was "There's so much static electricity in this room, I pick up everything but boys and money." I tweeted that, because it's how I roll, and then I went to the store with hair and fuzz all over my black yoga pants. Because that's also how I roll. My tweets also publish to my Facebook, and thus began the quote-fest. Petra dropped a quote, and we went back and forth for hours while she did photo editing and I graded. I've seen that movie way too many times. I'm sure I saw it every day for my last 6 weeks in Kuwait back in '97. I know that when Lisa and I sat in the chow hall one day with the major, and Steel Magnolias was playing, we were quoting line by line with the movie. And the major looked at us and said, "You guys have been here too long." Fun times. :) I got up Saturday morning and went to Raleigh to run the 2nd annual Run to Reclaim 5k. It was 30F when the hubs and I left the house. I kept reminding myself that the Anderson Creek 10k earlier this year was a lot colder. Anyway, I caught a fantastic shot of the sunrise over Jordan Lake on the way. It had been at least 6 weeks since I last ran, so I was totally amazed to finish in under 37 min. My official chip time was 36:42. I combined runs, and so this was also my Dynamic Duel Canada vs USA Virtual 5k run. And if you haven't, go sign up and do it!! Especially if you are from the states. Because I think I saw an update on FB where Canada had come from behind and was winning. Not that there are any losers in this one as it supports the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. :) Here's my "finish" photo with the awesome shirt I got from the Run to Reclaim 5k. Because I just love the florescent yellow. ;) photo(2) And then I got on my bike and rode 9.69 miles. Which is just crazy. But I only had to stop twice going up the hill-to-be-conquered this time. And one of those I was all bent over my bike trying to catch my breath and not puke in someone's driveway...while there was someone in the yard. Grading. That was the other low point of the weekend. Chad bombed 2 of the 3 tests he took last week, and didn't finish all of his work that he said he finished. :headbang: I spent nearly all day at church yesterday because I was on schedule to play with the worship team. I'm pretty sure I screwed up the chords on every single song, but especially the last one. I even had the chords written and taped to my guitar and couldn't get them right. But it was still fun. And I have a cool story. So there we were during the second service after the sermon. Pastor Nate was leading us in prayer before we watched a special video from Pastor Benji. My head is bowed; my eyes are closed. I heard this noise start up, and I wondered what it was. I kept mentally going through everything on stage that could be making it and finally thought maybe Shawn turned on the fan. Then it seemed to be just a bit louder and it started to dawn on me what that noise was and as I opened my eyes and started to raise my head back up, I heard a step from across the stage which was Rodney about to come warn me of the projector screen that I could now see was about to come down on my head. Hilarity then ensued as I quickly tucked and rolled. Ok, I just ducked and moved back. It was funny. Heidi was in the same boat, but she was by Rodney, and not as tall as me, so she had a tad bit more warning. Again I want to say how much I enjoy being part of the C.O.R.E. Worship Team! Now let me tell you about lunch. The hubs fixed me a gluten free hamburger helperish thing for lunch yesterday, and when we got done with it there really wasn't enough for my lunch today. So he said he would fix me sweet potato home fries which are awesome! Anyway, when I packed up my lunch this morning, in addition to the sweet potatoes, there was a small container of deviled eggs. Score! And, there was ham underneath the sweet potatoes. Like Christmas in November. I was singing this the other day grading Jamie's work: And I will wrap this us with a huge THANK YOU to all of our veterans today and for those still serving. There are too many friends, family, and co-workers for me to name, but I am partial first to my husband, my extended family and my husband's family, and then to those I served with in the 3rd Combat Communication Group, Al Jaber Air Base, Kuwait, and the JAC & 423rd ABS in the UK. All gave some. Some gave all.

Remembering

I'm not going to write out a big long post about 9/11. While I still remember the events as if it happened yesterday, I'm not going to rehash it. 5 years ago I reposted a post I had written 2 or 3 years before. 9/11-Repost But I don't really feel the same anymore. I'm not so angry anymore. Maybe I should be, but I'm just tired of being angry. I still grieve for the innocent lives lost. And I grieve for the men who took those lives believing a lie that they would go to paradise. And that's all I have to say about that. :usflag:

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