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Happy 2014

I for one am glad 2013 is over. On the other hand, 2014 might not be better as I may or may not have a job come March when the contract ends. But, contracts come, and contracts go, and it's not like I haven't been through a contract end before. It is completely out of my hands, and far above my pay grade. Ok, not that far, but I'm not involved so it's far enough. ;) The year ended pretty craptastically. I won't go into details, but suffice to say, I made my first ever Al-Anon call last night. I don't make phone calls either. But as I was soaking in epsom salts last night (and finally getting warm), I started reading my Al-Anon literature because I hadn't in a month and a half. And I kept hearing, "Read your literature. Keep coming back." Being New Year's Eve, I wasn't sure if they would have a normal meeting last night, so I called someone from the group to find out. They were having a New Year's Eve party with the AA group, and I opted not to go for that since it had started half an hour before I made the call. But, hey. I called someone. As I lay on the bed reading and petting Tiger (because he forces you to pet him), I decided to start thinking about how I had felt the last 2 or 3 weeks. I started feeling like I had gotten it. The peace I was desperate for. Then reality hit again. So I spent much of New Year's Eve reading my Al-Anon literature after making that phone call. I didn't find peace per se, but I did relax some. And I started thinking up some goals. photo 1 1. Read my Al-Anon literature daily. For reasons I already alluded to. 2. Get a sponsor in Al-Anon. I've been using Petra for this. But, I'm side-stepping the program that way since she isn't in Al-Anon. 3. Read through the Bible. This is pretty much a standard goal, and I haven't completed it the last 2 years. I finished the 2012 read through well into 2013, and it will still be a little while before I finish the 2013 read through. I pick a different translation each year. Last year was the ESV, and this year will be the NRSV with Apocrypha. I've never read the Apocrypha growing up Baptist. 4. Run 14 races. First race Saturday. 5. Finish Jamie's scarf. Surely I can do this in a year. ;) 6. Join a life group at church. Because as much as I harp about accountability (at least in my head), I should have some within my church. ;) 7. Finish all the books I've started. photo 2 That isn't even all of them. There is one more hard copy book that Petra gave me to read, and there are at least 2 and maybe 3 Kindle/Nook books I have started and haven't finished. 8. Do the Winter Miles Challenge 2014. I'm only doing the beginner because I know me. Also, the longest race I plan on doing this year is a 10 miler. This is pretty much the extent that I want to list out goals for the year. Note that I didn't list pushups. ;)

Get a hold of yourself

I heard that a lot growing up. I'm pretty sure my dad was the one who would say it to me, but it could have been my mom or both of them. It was a warning when I would get either too excited and was starting to get too "rambunctious" or was working up to a meltdown over something. It was a long way of saying "calm down" or "chill out." Without that outside discipline, I would have been wide-open, full-throttle all the time. I just never really developed that as a self-discipline whether happy, sad, angry, or whatever so that out on my own, there was little restraint in acting out. Slowly, I have come to understand that acting out rather than taking a moment or so to "get a hold of myself" results in destructive behavior one way or another. No matter the circumstances I tend to speak or act without thinking about the effect on others. Or I sit and stew on it internalizing until I end up metaphorically vomiting on someone who probably didn't have anything to do with what I was stewing on. Or I just act out without knowing all the facts and/or giving the benefit of the doubt and then find out I was completely wrong about the whole situation. The past few weeks, there has been a recurrent theme popping up in sermons I'm listening to (both at my church, and podcasts), some of the blogs I read, and a book I'm currently reading. When the same thing keeps popping up, it's a good indication that I need to be paying close attention. And so I've been mulling all this over. Chewing on it, if you will. It makes perfect sense, but there was just still a little bit gnawing at me with it with regards to application. Sometimes I'm slow. For instance, years ago, I heard a sermon (I think it was more of a series of sermons) about a particular topic. I "got it," but I wholeheartedly disagreed, and therefore didn't believe it applied to me at all. Years later, I heard another sermon, and "got it" to the point of believing it applied to me. I even heard another teacher teach on it, fully agreeing, and later found myself chewing it all over when the light bulb went off. It was the same thing I had heard as a kid and completely rejected, and this time I really "got it." The whole concept. Better late than never right? ;) Anyway, I'm now seeing a twist to this latest thing that I hadn't expected. Since I have already put it out there once, I'll put it out there again. Because that's how I roll. My husband is an alcoholic/drug addict, and it is a sickness that spreads throughout the entire family. I struggle with it probably as much as he does because I think (wrongly) that it should be easier for him to give up the drugs and alcohol than it is. I fall into that thinking because I was relatively easily delivered from my porn addiction (which was just a portion of the problem). When my drinking gets to be "problem drinking," it's relatively easy for me to just not drink. I can carry around percocet with me 24x7 and not take it. But then I "conveniently" forget how hard it was to quit smoking and stay quit. And how many years I would still crave a cigarette. I still got an occasional craving. But since I forget what is difficult for me, I fall into that trap of thinking I know the solution. "Just go to AA! You know it works!" Here's the problem. He said once that at AA all they talk about is drinking, and that just makes him want to drink. That did not make a lick of sense to me despite the fact that I can spot a lit cigarette smouldering in the street as I am driving and crave so bad it takes every bit of willpower I have not to stop and buy a pack. I think it was Pastor Benji who was talking about what we concentrate on saying that for an alcoholic that's trying to quit drinking by saying "Don't drink! Don't drink!" over and over to themselves is always thinking about drinking. And so, eventually, they will drink again. And now I get it. Therefore, all the sermons, blogs, and the book are all saying the same thing. If you are always (or mostly) thinking about not committing a particular sin (or sins), your focus is on the wrong thing. It's not merely a battle of wills. It's like when Jesus was walking on the water toward the boat the disciples were in, and had Peter to walk out to him. Peter was walking on the water just fine as long as he was looking at Jesus. When he looked at the wind and the waves, he began to sink. He lost his focus on who was keeping him on top of the water in the storm. If any of us could overcome our sin by sheer willpower, we wouldn't need Jesus at any point in our lives. Bottom line, we never stop needing Jesus. So instead of looking at our temptations and trying to overcome it by white-knuckling through the weakness, we need to look to Jesus and reach out to him. We will be overcome with exhaustion eventually trying to do it ourselves, but He will never let us go. Rather than "getting a hold of myself," I need to let go of myself. Rather than spending my energy on trying not to do what I don't want to do, focus on doing what I know to be good, looking to Jesus to lead me where He wants me.

In which I hit publish before determining a title

I'm thinking I probably shouldn't try to blog with a headache coming on and with brain fog. Especially when it's "Theological Thursday" and I have no topic in mind yet. lol But, heck, when has that ever stopped me. I had my second session of counseling yesterday. I don't know if it's the "happy pills" or the Al-Anon or the increased running, but I noticed I was feeling a lot better emotionally as if everything is ok. Which it's not. I'm still sleeping like crap, and I woke up sick this morning, but this sick is probably diet related since I also ate like crap yesterday evening. Anyway, I felt more relaxed, and maybe because I did the verbal vomit on her last time. haha I also noticed something last week that I do that I didn't used to do. I shared it at an Al-Anon meeting last week. I know everyone has an internal dialog going on much of the time. I've always had one and can remember I time when I would have it out loud. I only did that when I was alone (or thought I was), but after getting busted a couple of times, I worked on that. Although I still get called out by my family for hand gesturing when it gets intense in my head. Case in point, Jamie said to me over the weekend, "Stop thinking with your hands." lol But I digress. What I have been doing more often over the past few years is having arguments in my head. So there is an all too often mental conflict going which tells me I am pretty bitter about some things that are unresolved. MentalChaos I read that yesterday and did a little bit of connecting the dots. There has been some kind of chaos going on for so long, and I just suppressed it like I did when I was a kid. But it's all in there lashing out in my internal dialog. And when I indulge it, I open myself up to demonic attack. I know that sounds out there, but it is what it is. But my demonic encounters are a post for another day. Finishing this thought will be for another day too in another post.

Sometimes slacking is more rewarding

I skipped a tribe run yesterday. I brought my running clothes to work to change into. I even made sure I had a yellow shirt to run in for the Boston Marathon bombing (I wore a blue shirt to work), and that my iPod was charged, and that I had my hat, and my watch. (Stop judging my sentence structure.) I only half listened to my mom on the phone while trying to invent an excuse to give to Karyn who had a good reason to skip the run. But, I couldn’t really come up with anything and just went on home resigning myself to tell the truth. I didn’t feel like running. And I am glad I didn’t. I got to sit and listen to my daughter tell me about having to both play AND sing in front of her class, and how scared she was. She said she had to stop at one point because she was shaking so bad, shake out her hands and pick back up. I know what it’s like to stand in front of people playing and singing and shaking like a leaf the whole time. I am so proud of her for having the courage to do it in spite of her fear (which I couldn’t do at 16). I got to spend some time with my son trying to find super glue. Ok, he was looking for it and I was just telling him where it wasn’t. And to not eat my chips. ;) I got to sit down with the hubby for a little while after he showered, and remove 2 thorns from his thumb. Contain yourselves. Very exciting, I know. But he can’t see well enough to get them out himself, and since I wear these handy-dandy progressives, I can see well enough. And then I sat/laid (I was going back and forth between the 2 on the bed) and read. And the book tore me down, and led to exposing an idol which led to a time of prayer of repentance, which gave me an area where I could affirm and encourage my husband…which was itself an answer to a prayer. So, yeah, I am glad I skipped out on the run, because the time with my family was much more rewarding. And I did 2 pushups before I went to bed, so I did do some exercise. :cheesy:

Something is missing

I generally try to come up with a title and write around it. That doesn’t always work out so well, and is often why I end up not writing at all. Eh, whatever. This time, though, I know what I want as title because it is the subject of what I want to write about. And for some reason, thinking “Something is missing” reminds me of that scene from Star Trek: Generations when Picard meets Kirk in the Nexus. And as an aside, I generally don’t think the odd numbered Star Trek movies are all the great. This was #7. But it’s Kirk, and I am digressing. Over a 9 day span, I had migraines for 7 of the days. I have never had migraines like that. They weren’t so bad I couldn’t go to work, but while I forced myself to work, that was the only place I forced myself to. This past Sunday, I finally decided that since I didn’t have anywhere I absolutely had to go, that I would take a valium and see how that worked. All the pain went away, and I sat all afternoon knitting. Ok, not all afternoon. I did get up from time to time and do stuff. And it made me a little dizzy which made me a little sick so it’s not like I want to take it again. However, it confirmed that my migraines were from stress and tension. I already suspected that. Oh, and I haven’t had a migraine since. 3 days straight. Imagine! But even before the pain lifted, I knew that something had to happen. Something had to change. Petra has quoted this to me time and time again:
for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)
At least I think that’s the one. ;) Anyway, you would think it would eventually sink into my thick head. But, no, I have to learn the same lessons over and over the hard way. It’s so frustrating, and maddening. I know this stuff. I grew up with it. Why after all these years is it still not sticking? I’ve noticed that over the past couple of years I have grown less judgemental of non-believers, and have finally got it through my head that not everyone grew up saturated in a “fundamentalist” Baptist church in the Bible belt where most everyone is assumed to at least be a regular church attendee with at least a basic knowledge of the Bible belt legalistic moralism “Christianity.” See what I did there? My judgementalism transferred from non-believers to Christians. I seem to so easily point out what is wrong with other Christians, while still setting myself up in my ivory tower of self-righteouness because I “get it.” Except I didn’t. Last week it finally sunk in that I was missing something, and it isn't toast. ;) Something big that was keeping me back and hindering my prayers and keeping me from experience the peace and joy that I am supposed to have. Now I know that doesn’t mean I’m supposed to have a carefree easy life. Jesus didn’t say, “Take up your Lazyboy and chill out” but “Take up your cross and follow me.” I understand what that means, and it is by no means an easy, comfortable life. But yet I still try to control circumstances around me so that life's easier or so I don't get hurt. Fear and worry. Lacking trust in the One who is the only one I can trust. Paul said,
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)
Contentment escapes me. Even when things are going fairly well, and I feel like I'm getting a breather, something is missing. I have come to the conclusion (partially from judging others for this very thing) that what I am missing is the Holy Spirit. Not that the Holy Spirit isn't there,
In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, (Ephesians 1:13 ESV)
but that I have spent so much of my life working at controlling the circumstances around me that I have missed out on the Spirit's power in my life. The power to make me content no matter the circumstances. The power to feel peace and joy when the world is falling apart around me. But most of all the power to obey. The power to forgive. The power to love. The power to praise God no matter what, and to trust Him completely with everything. Because He is in control anyway. And this all changed what I prayed for. Because I asked for what I also fear while confessing the fear as I prayed. I mean, it's not like he doesn't know. But I can't overcome the fear without the Spirit either. And now I wait.

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Challenge #1: 20 books by Easter. BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER, Now that I have lost 20 pounds, and it is actually noticeable now, I need to start working on core training to tone, build up muscle, and absolutely do something about the fat between my underarms and boobs. That fat goes away most effectively with pushups, is PHENTERMINE addictive. Buying PHENTERMINE online over the counter, I haven't been able to do a real pushup in years. When I got out of the military I could only do 1, where can i buy cheapest PHENTERMINE online. What is PHENTERMINE, Yes, that is pathetic, PHENTERMINE description. I never was in danger of maxing out on pushups, but in my younger years, I was always able to do between 10 and 20, BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER. Buy generic PHENTERMINE, So my next challenge has to do with pushups, and is a 2-part, PHENTERMINE without a prescription. PHENTERMINE brand name, Challenge #2a: 1 real pushup by March 2.
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Monday: Stationary bike (because that's what we were PT tested on) and weights.
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I wasn't really dieting at the time, BUY PHENTERMINE OVER THE COUNTER. I gave up chips, but I think that was it. Hence, it took a full year to lose 20 pounds. Now that I have identified my comfort food addiction, and cut out the addictive foods (mainly pastas and breads), I somewhat have a handle on my diet and have lost 20 pounds in about 4 months, predominantly through diet. I say that because I haven't done crossfit in months, and haven't managed more than 2 runs a week if that. In fact, I haven't run in over 2 weeks now. So my next challenge is exercise related.

Challenge #3: Cardio and core at least 3 times a week...each.

Anyone want to join me for any or all of these.

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