Archive for the Ramble Category

In which I take a break from the heavy stuff

I had to surrender to something over the weekend. KitKat.

I don’t know what on earth got into her, but she is different. I have accused her of being demon-possessed and have called her the spawn of Satan. She is just that eat up. But here lately, there has been a change in her attitude toward me. It started a few weeks ago where she started making a bee-line for the master bedroom whenever I opened up the door. One day she darted in there as I was on my way to the bathroom, and didn’t have time to pick her up and throw her out. And it is really hard to poop when you have a cat trying to get in your lap and to get you to pet her. I assumed she was just hungry because she gets friendly when she’s hungry.

It happened again, though not when I was pooping, that she wanted in the bedroom. I assumed she was hungry and refilled the food bowls – none of which were empty. Soon she was meowing and scratching on the door. So I gave her fresh water. No sooner did I get in bed than she was meowing and scratching on the door again. Crazy cat. This got more and more frequent, and rather than rename her “Dammit KitKat,” I gave in and put a food and water bowl and a litter box in the bedroom and let her move in.

Oh my word.

She is loving and playful. I had no idea that she knew how to cat. She’s still scabby and gross, but her personality makes up for it. It is so weird.

“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”

While I will use a quote from Steel Magnolias at the drop of a hat, I can’t say that one is entirely true. Namely because I am not a big fan of tears. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed that I just know a good cry will help. Problem is, sometimes I am totally distraught, but yet just too numb to have the meltdown I need.

On top of all the life going on around me, I got sick last week. At one point, I was real close to going to the ER. But the pain finally became less frequent and less severe thankfully before I had to take my daughter to her appointment. Now she had been asking for a bank account forever, and I told her I would take her to the bank after her appointment. So we did, and through the course of talking to the gentlemen setting everything up, he got to telling us stories. We laughed until we cried.

I felt so much better.

Someone told me that I should find something that will make me deep down belly laugh hard when I feel like I need to cry and can’t because I’ll get the same emotional release I need. I am definitely a believer now. Of course I have to over-analyze everything I do and experience, and this was no exception. I will, however, spare you that introspection and analyzation and just leave it as is.

Sometimes, I just need to laugh and laugh hard. Even when I hurt.

Here, there, and nowhere

I fell over in Walmart yesterday. Stone cold sober, and not even sick. Just a word of caution: If the aisle seems too narrow to turn your cart around, it is. I guess it was just my turn to be an example of peopleofwalmart.com. Hopefully the other lady in the aisle didn’t snap a picture and upload it. I never looked back. lol

I think that is Tiger’s favorite spot. Or maybe his second favorite because his favorite spot may be the one where his butt is in my face.

It was a really nice weekend. I got out Saturday and spent a lot more time out than I intended. I really wanted to go for a bike ride, but I took James to Lee & Rachel’s. I wanted Starbucks, and since we were close(ish) to Southern Pines, that’s where I went. I did not, however, stop at Starbucks as half of Moore County was there. So I went to Hobby Lobby after I had taken a few photos around the area.

I sat Saturday night sorting and organizing my fasteners.

It was quite relaxing and I was almost able to completely block out what Chad and Alex were watching. The only thing I really managed to accomplish was washing my clothes and picking up my Flonase prescription.

This post really has nothing to do with anything. But it’s a post. With pictures. ;)

The sound of silence

I had a migraine for 6 days. Day 4 I finally took something which took care of it until late in day 5. I took something for it again day 6 which left me just as useless as I was with the headache, but I slept a lot. I still want to sleep a lot. It is probably mostly the migraine hangover. It just stands to reason that having a migraine for that long is going to produce a longer than one-day hangover. And yes, a migraine hangover is a lot like a drunk hangover except for the lack of headache and dehydration and nausea.

Anyway, I DNRed a race Saturday morning, and I called in sick to church Sunday. I also had an episode in Walmart Saturday afternoon where I first got dizzy and thought I would pass out resulting in Jamie asking me to please not die in the underwear section. Then my digestive system decided it needed to purge. #everybodypoops I made it home to explode though as I did not want to spend that amount of time blowing up Walmart’s bathroom. Thankfully when we made it home, the kids brought in all the groceries while I went to have some quality alone time on the throne. Of course, I had to put all the groceries away when I completed downloading, and I absolutely did not have the energy to do so. Nor did I have the energy to cook. But I did. And then crashed.

One again I have reached that point where I started a post days ago with a plan in mind where to go with it, but I have no idea what that was. So this will just go where it goes and will likely have nothing at all to do with the title.

I’ve taken a semi-break from social media over the past few days. Naturally when I go to take a break people tag me on Facebook. lol. It’s been ok though because one of my cousins posted a photo of her grandma/my aunt last night that triggered such good memories of Aunt Iris and her store. Not just for me as several folks commented about their memories of her sitting out front and waving at people that drove by. I had forgotten all about that. Probably because we rarely just drove by the store because Daddy went by there 2 or 3 times a week and I think did some banking for her since we always stopped by on the way to town for the weekly laundry/banking/grocery trips. As I commented, I can still feel her wood floor on my bare feet. Because that was the only store I was ever allowed in barefoot. And no, I didn’t like wearing shoes when I was a kid. #hillbilly

But anyway, I’ve taken some time to read and go to meetings and think about making phone calls. The phone calls are inevitable. :sigh: I feel better mentally than I have in several days. I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night with a different group than my home group. Since the hubby and I joined a small group at church that meets on one of my Al-Anon meeting nights, I need to replace that meeting even though that’s my favorite one of the week. Sitting in a different group, I got to hear different perspectives than my home group. That was a good thing! Not that I am going to switch home groups.

I went to the dentist yesterday for my 6 month cleaning. They always ask me first thing if I’ve been having any problems. Normally I don’t, but I’ve had an issue going on for a while that I’ve been trying to self treat to no avail. So I told the tech about it, and she did an xray. After the cleaning, the dentist came in and looked at the xray and confirmed what I thought. It’s an abscess. That’s the tooth that I broke on a Skittle when I was active duty (the last time I ate Skittles, btw), and also my second root canal due to an abscess a couple of years after that. I now am taking a round of antibiotics, and have a referral to an endodontist to treat that bad boy. Again. :sigh: Also, it has not hurt at all until she told me that it really was an abscess. It hurts now. WTH? :-/

All that said, I’m tired. And I’m tired of being tired. I’m also getting tired of “Mommy can we go _____” and “Mommy can you get ______” and “Mommy when are we going to _____”. Therefore, I’m going to have to have a little sit down with the kids and explain (again) how many hours I am gone working, and try to explain recovery to them. Also budget and debt. Again.

“Time makes you bolder…”

I have an interesting (or not) history with my mouth. The same mouth that often landed me either in the corner or on the receiving end of a paddle or separated from the rest of the class, doesn’t really like to run so much as it did. Or maybe it just comes and goes. I don’t know. It’s weird. I’m weird. Whatever. ;) I’ve said this a few times to a few people (and maybe in a post or two before) that I can write what I just can’t say. Generally speaking, I avoid talking when it’s a subject that matters. This makes therapy REALLY hard for me. And my therapist. I did verbally vomit on my therapist during our first session. That was interesting for me because I spewed out a LOT of stuff that at the time I didn’t even think were related. And just like physical vomited, I was completely drained afterward.

It happened the other night again. At Al-Anon. I’ve kind of prided myself (haha) on being open whenever I have to speak, but not rambling on and on. Well, that streak ended. Partway through the verbal vomit, I realized I was just verbally vomiting, but I couldn’t stop it. It just kept right on flowing unchecked. It was almost surreal.

I still want to just sit quietly and absorb. But that’s just not the way recovery works. Sometimes you just have to get over yourself and throw up what doesn’t need to be sitting and stagnating. Sometimes it is for no other reason than to have someone else tell you that what you have ingested is not healthy and that’s why you threw it up. Unrealistic/unmet expectations hurt. Broken promises hurt. When allowed to build up, the hurt can lead to resentment and then bitterness which seem to taste and feel good for a time. Resentment rots. Bitterness rots. And the rot is going to make you vomit at some point.

Sometimes running is just weird

Also, race recaps are hard for me. This is why I generally don’t do them. Ok, I do them, but not like most runners do recaps. Perhaps it is the self-diagnosed ADHD. Squirrel! ;)

Anywho, I misunderstood the dates for the Snowflake Shuffle 8k, and thought is was last weekend. Which wasn’t happening. No running happened last weekend. Actually, no running has happened since the Morrow Mountain 15k. Because injury (mild), sick, and polar vortexes. So I have done absolutely no runs towards the Winter Miles Challenge. And then Thursday I went home sick with some kind of plague that came on suddenly and had me in bed wishing for death. I got better.

So, when I saw that the 8k was through this weekend, I saw a glimmer of hope to actually do it. Oddly (for me) I woke up this morning ready to run. That almost never happens. But I got dressed, and got out there and did it. I told the hubster the route I was going to take stating “I am NOT running down to the Rocky River and back up that hill.” Yet when I got to my turn around point at the top of said hill, I said “What the heck,” and did it anyway. That made the turnaround just past the river bridge, and I decided to stop and take pictures. Because that’s how I roll. I didn’t even pause my watch during the photo shoot.

I didn’t quite run all the way back up that hill. I made it halfway and then walked and wheezed my way to the top. But I ran the rest of the 2 miles back except for after I called the hubster and then couldn’t get my phone back in its holder. And the run felt good. The whole way. Minimal knee pain. No back pain. It was as if I hadn’t just run for the first time in a month. Weird!

With less than a mile to go, I had a little meltdown. Every now and then I’ll have a running meltdown that has nothing to do with running. It always happens in front of someone’s house. It wasn’t bad enough to stop over, but still. It was “public.” But brief.

So race 2 is out of the way for the year.

And I intend to spend the rest of the day reading and drinking chai tea lattes.

Lucille 2 has left the building

You know what I haven’t done in a while? A list.

1. Instagram is so flaky via web. At least mine is. Likes I leave disappear. Comments I leave show up on different photos. Aggravating.

2. I wuss out so easily on a virtual run. As I was pushing my entire grocery budget full of groceries across the Walmart parking lot Saturday afternoon, I told Jamie that I would NOT be running outside in that wind. Then I texted Petra to say it would be 5 (4.97) elliptical miles. Then that didn’t even happen. Hindsight: I should tell Karyn and Molly before I have to run that I need to run. I listen to them better when exercise is involved.

3. Speaking of Petra, we went to La Dolce Vita Friday night because I wanted pizza. So after the waitress leaves after we gave her our orders Petra says to me, “Did you just wink at her?” I didn’t even realize I did it. There we have it. I’m a winker. Apparently. And I said “winker” not “wanker.”

4. I played with the C.O.R.E. Worship Team yesterday. As always it was fun, and this time I didn’t need my chord cheat except for one song. Bradford got us all together for a group shot after the last service (minus one):

The last service was extra fun (or funny) because I had a case of vertigo going on.

Vertigo

That’s how I felt. Like Lucille Two. I nearly fell over several times including in the bathroom.

5. This irritated me.

stickers-edited

I really dislike political and religious bumper stickers. Doesn’t matter what side either.

6. I’ve been really slack lately commenting on other people’s blogs. I’m still reading, I just can’t generally formulate anything more than “Hey, great post,” which just feels like commenting to get people to read my blog. Not that I have ever been above link whoring, but this just seems dirtier.

I need to start journaling again

I am really glad I haven’t written in my journal since February 7, 2013. Kind of. I’m glad because so much of it consists of a record of James’ drinking, and did not and do not need to keep track of that. The last entry was about my dad; the first time I put down in writing that he was verbally abusive, and that I suffered because of it. I have now pretty much addressed all that, and am working on healing (and not perpetuating it).

With those 2 big things to deal with, I am glad I finally broke down (literally), and am getting treatment. I am also glad that Dr Garlick convinced me to continue taking happy pills with the half dose. In fact, I might even see about having him add a mild anti-anxiety since recurrent anxiety is as big an issue and the recurrent depression.

And here I am still putting my junk out on the blog. lol. Except not really. There are things that I’ve heard and read over the past few days that I really need to capture. But it’s not stuff that needs to be blogged. So why even mention it at all in a blog post? :dunno: I don’t know. I feel like writing, but I just don’t really have anything to say?

Anyway, I see my feelings doctor this evening. She’ll get a lot of the details. :)

Maniacal Monday #29

I bought 2 new pairs of pants over the weekend. This morning I put on one of them thinking they were brown. They are purple. I’m not even the least bit mad. ;)

I am sick again. It’s the same crap as I had a couple of weeks ago so I guess the hubs and I are just passing it back and forth. Saturday felt like a hangover and it has gone downhill from there. And yes, I am guzzling water.

I made a little trip to Cary Friday that I didn’t really want to make. But, I got a pickup ordered for my acoustic guitar. Actually, 2 got ordered so I will have to take one back. :sigh: I picked up some stuff from Michaels which wasn’t really a bad experience. The line wasn’t real crazy. But, I walked into Old Navy, and turned around and walked back out because it WAS crazy. Then I went to JC Penney to get a new purse, which is how I ended up with new pants and bras. Because sales. Anyway, I get back home, and James came out, and then asked “What happened?” while pointing at the front of my car.

I broke my car. I looked up underneath the bumper and saw bunch of dead grass stuck, and then remembered a few days ago turning too soon out of the driveway and hitting the ditch a little. Guess it was a little more hit than I thought. :(

Despite the sick, I was determined to get my hair cut Saturday. Nothing big, just layered. I was tired, and as the lady was cutting, there were a couple of times I shut my eyes, and was on the verge of napping. I think if it had been a dude, I would have gone to sleep because men play with your hair way more than women. Anyway, got that all done and went on a shopping trip to Walmart because I just couldn’t see any way around it without going farther than I wanted to go and spending more than I wanted to spend. The north Chatham Walmart wasn’t all crazy, and it really wasn’t a bad trip at all.

A couple of weeks or so ago, I saw a giveaway on a blog for a necklace that I loved! I’m pretty sure since I have heard nothing, I didn’t win. However, I thought, “I can make that.” It took a lot of trips for chains and connecting rings, and finally some ingenuity, but I made a similar necklace. Also, I made about 5 other necklaces, and have an idea I’m toying around with in my head with regards to jewelry making. I have no pictures yet.

Sunday morning, I had a weird dream. I have lots of weird dreams, but there was a lot of things in this dream that overlapped even though they are not at all related. I had to return a lawn mower to Lowes. But this Lowes in my dream had like a park on the grounds, and the Bridges family were there picnicking. Specifically, Gerald & Bonnie, Joe & Karyn & kids, and Jerry & Deanna & kids. Oh, and I haven’t met Jerry & Deanna in real life. I pretty much know what prompted them all being in the dream, but not at a park at Lowes. Anyway, so I decided the lawn mower in question needed to be tested one more time before returning, so I went out to the highway shoulder to mow. There was a woman out there mowing and she stopped to help a passerby whose car was pulled over on the shoulder in front of her. I needed to ask her if it was ok if I mowed a little bit too, and she wouldn’t stop and let me ask her that real quick so I yelled at her and made her let me ask. And then I mowed anyway, and the mower worked fine. After waking up, I realized that rude woman was the Commissary manager at Tinker AFB when I was stationed there who ignored me when I tried to stop and ask her about formula. Apparently, I am still angry about that incident. lol

I was on the worship team schedule for Sunday, and got there early in the pouring down rain. I was chatting with Pastor Nate a little bit, and he spoke an email into his phone for later, and then said how nice it is that Siri takes those down for him like that. I mentioned that my Siri can’t understand me because either I slur my words, or mumble, or talk too hillbilly to it. That prompted him to ask where I am from originally. Told him Arkansas and he said, “Really? Where in Arkansas?” So I gave him the standard where Morrilton is before saying Morrilton. Because even Arkansans don’t know where Birdtown is unless they are from Conway County or related. Anyway, he said, “So about an hour away from Stuttgart?” Because Pastor Benji was in Stuttgart duck hunting. Small world. Bradford had to change the key of one of the songs. Was not a big deal since it was just a B to A, and I was able to do the chord changes pretty well since it was just 4 chords. I think I lost my place playing during every single song. Shawn said it all sounded great, so I guess I didn’t do too bad. :) There was no afternoon service, and James was at Lee & Rachel’s for the afternoon, and I had a nice quiet house to myself for the afternoon. It was fantastic.

James cooked beans, but they didn’t get done until late, and I kept looking at a steak in the fridge and told him that it needed to be cooked or frozen soon. So he cooked it for me. He then said, that if it was too much that he would finish it off for me. I said, “Oh, I can take in a lot of meat.” And giggled. He said, “Yes, I know.” hahaha!

Last night, I was so worn out that I got in the bed at like 7. I was also cold and couldn’t get my feet warm, so that was another reason. Anyway, I was laying there reading, and my phone rang. After saying “What the heck” because no one calls my cell phone that late on a Sunday, I picked it up and it was Chad. So I answered with “Really?” He said something about Tumblr being blocked again, and I said “You could have just texted me.” Regardless, he didn’t know I was home. lol. And Tumblr was blocked again this morning even though I specifically allowed it multiple times, so I’m switching out AVG’s filter for NetNanny tonight.

Funday Friday #28

Another Christmas has come and gone. It started out pretty bad between me and Chad. He had a fit, I got my feelings hurt, I cried and fixed his new computer vowing never to buy him a new computer ever. But, he came and apologized, I hugged him, and all is well again. Well, at least until yesterday when I tried to download Windows 8.1 Pro. ;) But with a new computer now in his room, he only comes out to feed. Just like Jamie. Her new computer. Ugh. I don’t understand how they can have the same models, same specs, same filters, and yet hers keeps blocking what I specifically unblocked. First world problems. ;)

Speaking of first world problems, I thought that again Christmas night as I attempted to put away the leftovers. I had more food than fridge space. And I ate so much that I thought I would bust, and looked about 7 months pregnant. I made a ham, dressing, gravy (from bacon grease), Granny’s fresh apple cake, and Aunt Betty Jewel’s easy fruit (blackberry) cobbler. I made James make the mashed potatoes because after peeling and coring apples, I had no desire to peel potatoes. The ham and potatoes turned out perfectly. Actually, so did the cobbler. I wasn’t sure about it because the recipe calls specifically for self-rising flour, and my gluten free all purpose flour is definitely not. More on it later. Anyway, I added about a teaspoon of baking powder, and it turned out just right. The dressing, though. I had some leftover cornbread, but needed another small pan. So, I made a pan of cornbread from scratch since I was out of cornbread mix. And this was where I forgot I needed to add baking powder. That pan of cornbread ended up about 5/8 in thick because all purpose flour – baking powder = no rise. :sigh: So parts of the dressing are a little dense. ;) The gravy ended up all lumpy. Pretty sure that was because I had too much flour for the amount of grease. And the cake fell in the middle, and nearly burned around the edges, and while it did get done, it was so moist that it just falls apart. And I forgot the rolls which are STILL in the freezer being eaten right now by me with leftover ham. All that said, everything tasted fantastic!

With Chad all the way back in his room, we have embarked upon cleaning up the mess he made all over and around the downstairs PC & desk. I’m pretty sure I swept up and entire bag of goldfish. But I also found almost all of our missing forks. There was so much nasty. Sticky nasty. Soda can tabs all over the floor, and I think there were more of those tabs than there were goldfish. I’m also looking over at the coffee table and thinking that needs another clean off. :sigh:

I really need to pick up some things today, but the thought of going anywhere is so unappealing. The fact that we are low on coffee is even more unappealing though. And I have 3 free drinks from Starbucks that I need to redeem. Because free. ;)

Found my “missing” arch supports…in my Docs…which I also found. Haven’t found my missing boots yet, but I do need to clean the litter off of one pair that’s been on the front porch for 2 or 3 weeks. It is also time to break down and buy a new purse. :sigh:

My new favorite coffee mugs that benefit The Forsaken Children. I got one for Ethiopia and one for Senegal since I have friends serving in both countries.

Last night’s sunset. I was playing with the settings on my iPhone, and the one without any filtering turned out best.

I waste so much time watching the videos on this YouTube channel.