Archive for the Ramble Category

Changing ain’t easy

I have had a raging case of PMS since yesterday evening. TMI you say? Perhaps, but hey, it is what it is. Everybody and everything has been getting on my nerves. When I’m not angry, I just want to sit and mope. I want to eat all the things, and it makes me a little angry that there isn’t any chocolate in this house. Well, there might be some cocoa, but I sure as heck don’t want to cook.

I did do some work though. I did a couple of hours of coding, which did not improve my mood even though it was slightly easier coding in Dreamweaver than just typing all of it manually. Of course it didn’t work, and that pissed me off. But really, I have never written any code that worked the first time. And I love troubleshooting. Since then I have realized why it isn’t working and it’s not my code, but at this point I am not going to log into GoDaddy and upload it. After all, I need to save some work for tomorrow. ;) And I practiced for Sunday.

Anyway, I couldn’t stand my bitchiness anymore so I texted Petra to whine. She told me to organize something. HAHAHAHA! Right. Like I even know where to start, but I did remember about partially cleaning the toilet this morning and gave her all the details of that. That led me to make myself go finish cleaning it. Which was oh so gross. Once that was done, I looked at the shower curtain and decided it needed to be washed. Well, heck, might as well clean the shower too. It just snowballed and I cleaned the whole bathroom including baseboards and walls. Then I thought, “Huh. That was a lot more productive than sitting on my pity pot wishing I could drink a glass of wine.” Because of course it would be at least a whole bottle.

During one of my many breaks, I read this blog post: The Problem with Asking for Advice. He hit me right away with this:

Often, when asking for advice, a person isn’t really seeking something new. They’re just looking for validation, affirmation of a choice already made. And this is a problem.

That hits close to home. But, after reading that and looking back on what I have done today, I can see where I am making changes in my behavior when the crazy creeps in. I didn’t want to write code today. I didn’t want to call the security office at work to see if I can get back in the compound yet and work on site. I didn’t want to practice. I definitely didn’t want to clean. But they were all things that needed to be done, and they all kept my mind occupied with something besides obsessing over escape. I mean, for real. It’s just freaking PMS. It will pass in a day or too and then I can piss and moan and whine about having cramps for a couple of days and look all miserable like Brownie when she has her “special time.”

I was telling my therapist last week about the trip to Arkansas and some things I did to make a little bit of peace with the past. She didn’t let it pass and “forced” me to go more in depth about one of the things. Then she asked me what I had done about it at the time. I kind of laughed and said, “Well, I avoided.” Then she laughed and sarcastically said, “Really? You avoiding?” because she called me out on that months ago. That has been a hard change to make. But as I work on changing that behavior, I can see that it really is easier to confront something or someone that is legitimately bothering me in some way than avoiding the situation and storing up resentment. Go figure. ;)

And funny enough, just writing this has chilled me out.

Adventures in Arkansas

I really should have sat down and written last night when I had things to say. Or at least made a note of what I wanted to write about like I suggested to Petra. Haha! But in my defense, I was sick as a dog from the flight back from Arkansas. But Enterprise hooked me up with a sweet rental car:

I almost didn’t make that trip. I really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to face my mom’s health issues because avoidance is my default action (or inaction as it were) when I can’t practice full on denial. But I plucked up the courage to do it anyway. Oh my word. Her short term memory is completely gone. She had a stroke while she was in the hospital recovering from pneumonia (and she has COPD), and while the memory issues could be attributed to Alzheimer’s, her inability to say the right words is not something she had prior. It was hard. Hard to listen to and watch her struggle to get out what she wanted to say, and hard to figure out what she meant. But she gets around fine, and I wore her out! Because that’s how I roll. ;) She’s in the nursing home for rehabilitation, and they let me check her out and run her around.

I took her to the Veteran’s Walk of Flags by the hospital first. We did not walk the whole thing.

But my cousin Sharon was interviewed later that day while she was there:

Flags Flying for Veterans In Morrilton Today

It is such a beautiful and humbling display, and I feel honored that I now have a flag among so many others. I am so very grateful to Sharon for making sure all the Eoff family veterans got flags.

Then we went out to the Bishop family reunion and I didn’t take a single picture of any of my family. :( I did take one down at the creek:

Because the reunion isn’t just complete without a walk down to the creek. It was the thing to do when I was a kid, and it still is at 44. Not that I got off the bridge because the possibility of falling and getting wet doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Mainly because I didn’t want my phone ruined. haha! But I had a great time, and didn’t get glutened. Mom seemed to know everybody and that was great! I had a good talk with my sister-in-law even if it was short and kept semi on the down low given what I shared with her. And throughout the weekend I got to have really good visits with family and a couple old friends and my mom’s neighbor. And then after I dropped Mom off Saturday night and left the nursing home, I drove around town and bawled.

Now, I don’t like to fly, and have been terrified of flying since 1999. So as I drove up to RDU to leave, I thought I would try a little something different than I normally do. See, normally the DragonLady doesn’t get on a plane sober. Granted, last summer I flew sober, but I was a wreck the whole time. This time, drinking wasn’t an option I was willing to entertain so I prayed and asked God to remove my fear of flying. You know, it worked. I was not at all scared coming or going. Even with the turbulence and thunderstorms around Charlotte. And no, I didn’t ask God to give me a good rental car. That was pure bonus. hahaha!

Learning

I wrote a pretty lengthy post last week, but I couldn’t come up with a title for it. Then, after a few hours I decided the whole thing sounded whiny so I just scrapped it into the draft oblivion. So I decided instead of pissing and moaning I would just share some stuff I’ve been learning/coming to terms with lately.

1. It’s ok to be vulnerable with friends. In fact, if they are really your friends, it is pretty safe, and it helps build the relationship.

2. You shouldn’t ever hold on to guilt that isn’t yours. Ok, you shouldn’t ever just hold on to guilt at all, but you can only make amends for what you do.

3. You can’t earn grace and you don’t deserve it. It’s not an entitlement. Neither can you lose it.

4. Relationships are more important and more valuable that material things, but are harder to make and keep. Which makes them more valuable.

5. You don’t have to know everything. It’s impossible anyway.

6. You can’t do everything. And nobody is self-sufficient.

7. Hurt people hurt people. That doesn’t make it ok, but keeping that in mind helps considerably in being kind and loving to people who have hurt you. I don’t advocate allowing physical abuse, however.

Random Randomness of Random

I should just go ahead an announce a blog hiatus because every time I have ever done that I’ve been able to write. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write, it’s just organizing thoughts into something coherent. Of course, there will be no coherency in this post just because. ;)

I took off work Friday so I could take the hubster to court. Told him early in the week that I had the day off. Late Thursday night he informed me that he had another ride. Alrighty then. He nearly got arrested due to the county rescheduling and not letting anyone know but him. So he goes back in June and I will not be his transportation this time.

Since I had the day, I took care of some bidness at the insurance agent, and went to Chapel Hill to pick up my race packet for the Tar Hell 10 Miler.

I love how fancy it’s all personalized. More on the race later.

I was a little hungry and definitely thirsty, so I stopped in Pittsboro at Chatham Marketplace, and they had what I wanted. I decided to have some fun and sent my sponsor a text saying, “So I picked up a 6 pack for lunch…” I followed that up with this pic:

6-pack

After eating the second one, I sent Petra a text saying that I had just had a mouthgasm. Yes, it was that good.

About the 10 miler. I woke up at 4:30 am with abdominal cramps from hell. Same thing happened about a month ago. So rather than treating it as a stomach bug, I took some ibuprofen and the pain was gone around noon. I don’t know what is up with that crap, or the hot flash from hell that had me up from 2-3:30 this morning. My knee is hurt also so there was a valid(ish) reason for not racing other than the fact that I haven’t run in so long I don’t remember the last time I ran.

After the meds kicked in Saturday, the good idea fairy showed up and convinced me that since it was such a nice day it would be a great idea to wash and wax my car. I’m pretty sure running 10 miles would have been less painful. 4 hours, and I am still sore today. I got some good sleeps that night and didn’t wake up until 9 yesterday.

photo 3

Oh, and Amber hatched Easter Sunday:

2 are already spoken for, thank goodness. She had 4, but one didn’t make it.

Enjoy your Monday.

In which I take a break from the heavy stuff

I had to surrender to something over the weekend. KitKat.

I don’t know what on earth got into her, but she is different. I have accused her of being demon-possessed and have called her the spawn of Satan. She is just that eat up. But here lately, there has been a change in her attitude toward me. It started a few weeks ago where she started making a bee-line for the master bedroom whenever I opened up the door. One day she darted in there as I was on my way to the bathroom, and didn’t have time to pick her up and throw her out. And it is really hard to poop when you have a cat trying to get in your lap and to get you to pet her. I assumed she was just hungry because she gets friendly when she’s hungry.

It happened again, though not when I was pooping, that she wanted in the bedroom. I assumed she was hungry and refilled the food bowls – none of which were empty. Soon she was meowing and scratching on the door. So I gave her fresh water. No sooner did I get in bed than she was meowing and scratching on the door again. Crazy cat. This got more and more frequent, and rather than rename her “Dammit KitKat,” I gave in and put a food and water bowl and a litter box in the bedroom and let her move in.

Oh my word.

She is loving and playful. I had no idea that she knew how to cat. She’s still scabby and gross, but her personality makes up for it. It is so weird.

“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”

While I will use a quote from Steel Magnolias at the drop of a hat, I can’t say that one is entirely true. Namely because I am not a big fan of tears. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed that I just know a good cry will help. Problem is, sometimes I am totally distraught, but yet just too numb to have the meltdown I need.

On top of all the life going on around me, I got sick last week. At one point, I was real close to going to the ER. But the pain finally became less frequent and less severe thankfully before I had to take my daughter to her appointment. Now she had been asking for a bank account forever, and I told her I would take her to the bank after her appointment. So we did, and through the course of talking to the gentlemen setting everything up, he got to telling us stories. We laughed until we cried.

I felt so much better.

Someone told me that I should find something that will make me deep down belly laugh hard when I feel like I need to cry and can’t because I’ll get the same emotional release I need. I am definitely a believer now. Of course I have to over-analyze everything I do and experience, and this was no exception. I will, however, spare you that introspection and analyzation and just leave it as is.

Sometimes, I just need to laugh and laugh hard. Even when I hurt.

Here, there, and nowhere

I fell over in Walmart yesterday. Stone cold sober, and not even sick. Just a word of caution: If the aisle seems too narrow to turn your cart around, it is. I guess it was just my turn to be an example of peopleofwalmart.com. Hopefully the other lady in the aisle didn’t snap a picture and upload it. I never looked back. lol

I think that is Tiger’s favorite spot. Or maybe his second favorite because his favorite spot may be the one where his butt is in my face.

It was a really nice weekend. I got out Saturday and spent a lot more time out than I intended. I really wanted to go for a bike ride, but I took James to Lee & Rachel’s. I wanted Starbucks, and since we were close(ish) to Southern Pines, that’s where I went. I did not, however, stop at Starbucks as half of Moore County was there. So I went to Hobby Lobby after I had taken a few photos around the area.

I sat Saturday night sorting and organizing my fasteners.

It was quite relaxing and I was almost able to completely block out what Chad and Alex were watching. The only thing I really managed to accomplish was washing my clothes and picking up my Flonase prescription.

This post really has nothing to do with anything. But it’s a post. With pictures. ;)

The sound of silence

I had a migraine for 6 days. Day 4 I finally took something which took care of it until late in day 5. I took something for it again day 6 which left me just as useless as I was with the headache, but I slept a lot. I still want to sleep a lot. It is probably mostly the migraine hangover. It just stands to reason that having a migraine for that long is going to produce a longer than one-day hangover. And yes, a migraine hangover is a lot like a drunk hangover except for the lack of headache and dehydration and nausea.

Anyway, I DNRed a race Saturday morning, and I called in sick to church Sunday. I also had an episode in Walmart Saturday afternoon where I first got dizzy and thought I would pass out resulting in Jamie asking me to please not die in the underwear section. Then my digestive system decided it needed to purge. #everybodypoops I made it home to explode though as I did not want to spend that amount of time blowing up Walmart’s bathroom. Thankfully when we made it home, the kids brought in all the groceries while I went to have some quality alone time on the throne. Of course, I had to put all the groceries away when I completed downloading, and I absolutely did not have the energy to do so. Nor did I have the energy to cook. But I did. And then crashed.

One again I have reached that point where I started a post days ago with a plan in mind where to go with it, but I have no idea what that was. So this will just go where it goes and will likely have nothing at all to do with the title.

I’ve taken a semi-break from social media over the past few days. Naturally when I go to take a break people tag me on Facebook. lol. It’s been ok though because one of my cousins posted a photo of her grandma/my aunt last night that triggered such good memories of Aunt Iris and her store. Not just for me as several folks commented about their memories of her sitting out front and waving at people that drove by. I had forgotten all about that. Probably because we rarely just drove by the store because Daddy went by there 2 or 3 times a week and I think did some banking for her since we always stopped by on the way to town for the weekly laundry/banking/grocery trips. As I commented, I can still feel her wood floor on my bare feet. Because that was the only store I was ever allowed in barefoot. And no, I didn’t like wearing shoes when I was a kid. #hillbilly

But anyway, I’ve taken some time to read and go to meetings and think about making phone calls. The phone calls are inevitable. :sigh: I feel better mentally than I have in several days. I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night with a different group than my home group. Since the hubby and I joined a small group at church that meets on one of my Al-Anon meeting nights, I need to replace that meeting even though that’s my favorite one of the week. Sitting in a different group, I got to hear different perspectives than my home group. That was a good thing! Not that I am going to switch home groups.

I went to the dentist yesterday for my 6 month cleaning. They always ask me first thing if I’ve been having any problems. Normally I don’t, but I’ve had an issue going on for a while that I’ve been trying to self treat to no avail. So I told the tech about it, and she did an xray. After the cleaning, the dentist came in and looked at the xray and confirmed what I thought. It’s an abscess. That’s the tooth that I broke on a Skittle when I was active duty (the last time I ate Skittles, btw), and also my second root canal due to an abscess a couple of years after that. I now am taking a round of antibiotics, and have a referral to an endodontist to treat that bad boy. Again. :sigh: Also, it has not hurt at all until she told me that it really was an abscess. It hurts now. WTH? :-/

All that said, I’m tired. And I’m tired of being tired. I’m also getting tired of “Mommy can we go _____” and “Mommy can you get ______” and “Mommy when are we going to _____”. Therefore, I’m going to have to have a little sit down with the kids and explain (again) how many hours I am gone working, and try to explain recovery to them. Also budget and debt. Again.

“Time makes you bolder…”

I have an interesting (or not) history with my mouth. The same mouth that often landed me either in the corner or on the receiving end of a paddle or separated from the rest of the class, doesn’t really like to run so much as it did. Or maybe it just comes and goes. I don’t know. It’s weird. I’m weird. Whatever. ;) I’ve said this a few times to a few people (and maybe in a post or two before) that I can write what I just can’t say. Generally speaking, I avoid talking when it’s a subject that matters. This makes therapy REALLY hard for me. And my therapist. I did verbally vomit on my therapist during our first session. That was interesting for me because I spewed out a LOT of stuff that at the time I didn’t even think were related. And just like physical vomited, I was completely drained afterward.

It happened the other night again. At Al-Anon. I’ve kind of prided myself (haha) on being open whenever I have to speak, but not rambling on and on. Well, that streak ended. Partway through the verbal vomit, I realized I was just verbally vomiting, but I couldn’t stop it. It just kept right on flowing unchecked. It was almost surreal.

I still want to just sit quietly and absorb. But that’s just not the way recovery works. Sometimes you just have to get over yourself and throw up what doesn’t need to be sitting and stagnating. Sometimes it is for no other reason than to have someone else tell you that what you have ingested is not healthy and that’s why you threw it up. Unrealistic/unmet expectations hurt. Broken promises hurt. When allowed to build up, the hurt can lead to resentment and then bitterness which seem to taste and feel good for a time. Resentment rots. Bitterness rots. And the rot is going to make you vomit at some point.

Sometimes running is just weird

Also, race recaps are hard for me. This is why I generally don’t do them. Ok, I do them, but not like most runners do recaps. Perhaps it is the self-diagnosed ADHD. Squirrel! ;)

Anywho, I misunderstood the dates for the Snowflake Shuffle 8k, and thought is was last weekend. Which wasn’t happening. No running happened last weekend. Actually, no running has happened since the Morrow Mountain 15k. Because injury (mild), sick, and polar vortexes. So I have done absolutely no runs towards the Winter Miles Challenge. And then Thursday I went home sick with some kind of plague that came on suddenly and had me in bed wishing for death. I got better.

So, when I saw that the 8k was through this weekend, I saw a glimmer of hope to actually do it. Oddly (for me) I woke up this morning ready to run. That almost never happens. But I got dressed, and got out there and did it. I told the hubster the route I was going to take stating “I am NOT running down to the Rocky River and back up that hill.” Yet when I got to my turn around point at the top of said hill, I said “What the heck,” and did it anyway. That made the turnaround just past the river bridge, and I decided to stop and take pictures. Because that’s how I roll. I didn’t even pause my watch during the photo shoot.

I didn’t quite run all the way back up that hill. I made it halfway and then walked and wheezed my way to the top. But I ran the rest of the 2 miles back except for after I called the hubster and then couldn’t get my phone back in its holder. And the run felt good. The whole way. Minimal knee pain. No back pain. It was as if I hadn’t just run for the first time in a month. Weird!

With less than a mile to go, I had a little meltdown. Every now and then I’ll have a running meltdown that has nothing to do with running. It always happens in front of someone’s house. It wasn’t bad enough to stop over, but still. It was “public.” But brief.

So race 2 is out of the way for the year.

And I intend to spend the rest of the day reading and drinking chai tea lattes.