Archive for the Photos Category
I made the decision. I didn't like it. I don't like it. I knew I wouldn't be "happy" with either option. I also know that keeping things status quo is not healthy for anyone involved. I feel like I ripped out a big chunk of my heart and punted it. I told that to my therapist and also that I felt kind of numb. Also that I felt like I needed a meltdown but that it would probably wait until the most inopportune time to strike. You know, like at work, because no one wants that. By "no one" I mean me. I continually find myself wondering if I am doing the right thing. Did I make the right decision? And thus goes the rationalization process. Slogans fall flat as trite cliche. The doctrine of my youth fails from one-sidedness and does nothing but cover me in guilt and shame. There comes a point when you realize you are the only one that is even remotely providing accountability to your husband. You can see that he is avoiding everyone but the friends who enable his behavior. You can see that he is not being honest with himself let alone anyone else. You see him walking around in that same facade you yourself used to walk in while keeping your addictions securely hidden away from view of anyone who might call you out on them. You know that as long as nothing changes, nothing is going to change because that is what has been happening for years. As I have been recovering, I have been seeing that I had few boundaries, and didn't enforce the few I had. It was easy to overlook because I was numbing/escaping myself so as not to have to deal with much of anything. It has been something like coming out of unconsciousness into consciousness and seeing how things really are and realizing this is not the lifestyle I want to continue in. So I tried setting boundaries, but they were not respected. I tried pointing out what was really going on, and was dismissed and told I am the one with the issues. But I'm not the only one with issues. I'm just the only one working on mine. And I have had enough of the insanity of addiction in my life. So after the latest incident of craziness, I retained an attorney and am filing separation in a way to enforce separation. There is no violence or threat thereof, so I can't get a restraining order. But since I am the only one working consistently and have been the only one paying the mortgage and utilities, I'm not the one who is going to leave the house. And our children have dealt with the dysfunction long enough. I've been told that he's never going to hit bottom as long as I'm cushioning it. To be true, my lack of boundaries and lack of enforcing boundaries has certainly been enabling. But I finally had enough. So I took the opportunity while I had it to put up a legally enforceable boundary. And it freaking hurts. I feel like the pain is going to consume me in an implosion. As if my soul is collapsing in on itself. But I am not going to cave in. I will not continue to live with the insanity of active addiction. I will not continue to subject my children to continued dysfunction. If you liked this post, would you please share it below? Thank you!
"It's always best to start at the beginning." - Glinda, the Good Witch of the North I have realized something really scary. I am the most emotionally and mentally healthy person in my household, and the most mature. Right. I'm the mature one. But while perhaps I live according to the mantra that Ouiser Boudreaux calls "A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste" far too much, there is, unfortunately, a reason why I am the most emotionally and mentally healthy and mature person in my household. I realized my life was unmanageable and would remain that way unless I got help. I made the decision to do whatever I had to do to change. Sometimes I still fight it tooth and nail because I am still afraid. I spent my childhood living in fear, and it is deeply ingrained in me. What I am slowly learning, and much more slowly than I like, is that it's ok to be afraid, and push through it anyway. Just like when I run, I'm ready to quit a quarter mile into it. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other because when I finish, I won't remember how bad that first and/or second mile sucked. I will feel great because I kept going and finished. I had a sit-down, face-to-face meeting with my sponsor last week. I was in a huge funk, and I needed help getting to the root of what was going on. Plus, I find it is a lot harder to hold stuff back when she's looking at me. Through the course of processing and reprocessing what was discussed, I decided I need to get back in Al-Anon. I was going to go back to my home group Friday night, but I ended up going to an A.A. meeting instead. As I was adjusting my Friday night plans in my head, and planning out when I could hit the next Al-Anon meeting, I had a thought. I can have an Al-Anon #DoOver. I decided I could go to the same Saturday morning beginner's meeting that I started in, and this time do it right. You know, because I never really worked an Al-Anon program the first time around. I went determined to speak also, but I didn't really get a chance. However, I recognized someone whom I had met nearly 2 years ago in that room when I first started, and I went and spoke to her after the meeting. I connected. 2 years ago, I spoke to no one, and tried to quickly get out of there. I was overwhelmed. I had been crying and fighting crying the whole meeting, and I needed to get out where I could. This time, I could tell by remembering how I felt the last time that I have grown quite a bit. I teared up a little, but while it is still automatic to fight it, I didn't put all my effort into it. But I was also able to laugh and nod my head in understanding with other shares. I might be a beginner again, but I am no longer a newcomer. I'm glad to have the chance to start over. If you liked this post, would you please share it below? Thank you!
I hated that phrase. Because some people never seem to get to the "make it" point and just fake it. And they just fake it when it will benefit them in some way. They can talk the talk around the right people, but just don't seem to ever be able to personally apply it to their relationships with other people. You know, hypocrites. The other night, I was in a situation where I had to give a really brief version of my alcoholic story - what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I didn't really put any time into preparing for it even though I knew I would have to give it. I just let it largely flow spontaneously. As I listened to myself speaking (which one can do when one dissociates), I heard myself saying something that I had said before, but hadn't really heard.
"I knew how to pretend to live, but I didn't know how to live."And that would be why "fake it 'til you make it" pissed me off so bad. I spent most of my life "faking it," but not ever "making it." From the outside it appeared I had it all together. And to an extent I did. But I was motivated by perfectionism; always striving for an unknown and/or unrealistic expectation of what success (professional, personal, and religious) really was. Then my facade - my carefully constructed bubble of control - shattered.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. - Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 59At this point in working the steps, I was told that God might not remove all of them, and that He wouldn't necessarily do it right away. One of my character defects is impatience, so it was a given it wouldn't happen immediately. That doesn't mean He isn't capable of removing my defects. He is. But He isn't a genie that grants wishes the way we want it. He is a loving Father who knows and provides our NEEDS instead of our WANTS. I always want the easier, softer way. I have found that my greatest growth comes through "suffering" rather than being handed to me. And so, with the knowledge that that my request to have my shortcomings removed could be delayed or answered with "No," I was told to believe they would be removed regardless and until they are, "act as if they have been." Fake it 'til you make it. Finally, I realized the spirit behind it wasn't one of hypocrisy, it was one of faith and good will. Take, for instance, my insecurity. It has not been taken away yet. Left alone and allowed to "rule," my insecurity paralyzes me from making good decisions, or even any decision at all. Nothing gets done, status quo remains, and life becomes even more unmanageable. But, I can "act as if" I am not insecure, and make a decision that is at best uncomfortable or at worst downright scary. As long as I don't make a rash decision without looking at the consequences (good and bad) or take way too long to look at every thing I think might go wrong, something amazing is going to happen whether or not the decision is the correct one. I become less afraid to make a decision. I become less insecure. Sometimes the worst part of a decision is the fear of making the wrong decision. Not because you can always make the right decision, but because making a wrong decision reinforces how you think about yourself. "I'm stupid." "I can't do anything right." Those are products of false humility which is actually just an aspect of self-centered pride. And they are lies.
The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:5-9 ESV)Motives matter. Motive is why "fake it 'til you make it" can actually work. Motive is where you have to be totally honest when you ask yourself why you are acting on a "good" behavior. Are you trying to fool other people into thinking you have it all together, or are you simply just trying to do the next right thing because it is the right thing regardless of your feelings? If you liked this post, would you please share it below? Thank you!
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." - Inigo Montoya I've been having a recurring dream. It isn't exactly the same dream, but it is the same theme. I am sometimes in a prison camp, sometimes in a cult, and sometimes in some type of camp like a reservation. No matter which it is, I am trying to escape. These dreams have been going on for at least a couple of months. Granted, I am grateful that I am no longer having the gray-mud-vomiting zombie dreams, but those were only 3 or 4 dreams total. My escape dreams have been 3 or 4 a week for several weeks. Enough to wonder what the heck is going on in my subconscious. I wonder if maybe my brain is trying to work out how I am trying to escape the lies I have believed about myself since I was a child. Maybe that sense I had that I didn't belong or fit in was my way of coping with so much contradictory reality as such a young age. I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of days ago, and couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't have a deluge of racing thoughts like I used to have, but I couldn't seem to settle my brain back down enough to get back to sleep for 2 or 3 hours. I had another thing that I hadn't ever told anyone. Funny how things like that pop up when you get repeatedly triggered over something related. In the process of revisiting, praying, unpacking, praying, peeling that freaking onion, and praying some more, the thought came to me:
Nothing was normal. Everything was distorted. I don't think I have a clear objective memory because there was so much contradictory information.I didn't want to let that thought be lost once I went back to sleep, so I wrote it down. There is usually running involved in the dreams. Running away from somebody, some group, some zombie, some trap. The running never ends, except for that one time I was trapped in an empty cargo bay about to die from irradiation or poison. But at least the zombies weren't in there with me. Every race I've run has always had a clear end. There have been times I was sure I would never make it to the end, but I've always managed to keep going - even if I could just barely put one foot in front of the other. Because I knew there was a clearly defined end. And a couple of times because my friend Karyn either came back to get me or stayed with me vowing to drag me across the finish line if necessary. Sometimes I feel like I am chasing after "normal," when I have no idea what "normal" is. There is a conversation that takes place in Star Trek Generations between Dr. Soran and Geordi LaForge regarding Geordi's eyes.
Dr. Soran: Have you ever considered a prosthesis that would make you look a little more... how can I say... more normal? Geordi: What's normal? Dr. Soran: "What's normal?" Well, that's a good question. Normal is what everyone else is and you are not.Geordi was blind from birth. There was no prosthesis that was going to give him sight in the same way seeing people had. The banana clip visor he wore gave him the ability to see things that sighted people could not. Soran was trying to force him to focus on the external appearance of normal - looking normal. In later movies, Geordi has prosthetic eyes rather than the banana clip visor. His eyes still didn't look "normal." Geordi's handicap did not handicap him. He couldn't see things the way other people see, but he had a unique view of things that made his lack of normal sight valuable to those who had normal sight. His biggest physical weakness was also his biggest physical strength.
So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)Maybe the reason I never escape in my dreams is because escaping the past doesn't change it. I'm never going to have that "normal" childhood. I'm never going to have a "normal" loving relationship with my dad. And you know what? I might not ever "feel normal." But I am not alone. Even in those dreams, I am not always alone. Sometimes there is a small group with me who are also trying to escape, and we are working together to escape and/or overthrow oppressors (or zombies). Here in the real world, in my real life, I am not alone. I have a tight network of friends who know most (and some all) of my junk. And they are willing to drag me across the finish line - to help rescue me from the cult/nazi/zombies. I'm not the only person to not grow up in a "normal" environment. We generally try to appear "normal" because we want to be "normal" - to fit in. But we tend to find each other. And that's where our "abnormal" lives intertwine and become strength. We understand each other. We can help each other in ways "normal" people can't. And when "normal" people find themselves embroiled in the type of "abnormal" that was our "normal," we can be there for them in ways their "normal" friends and family can't. Thus, weakness becomes strength. And "normal" means nothing.
"Can I handle the seasons of my life?" - Stevie Nicks I may have mentioned this before, but do you know what happens when you peel an onion? You cry. I talked about why I was going to stop taking my antidepressant, but I really had no idea how that was going to play out. Despite weaning off over 4 weeks, I still had some significant withdrawals. But the crying. What are the odds that in your first week off your meds, you are going to be triggered. Repeatedly. About something you did NOT want to deal with so soon. (Or at all.) I definitely didn't expect to be triggered at church. I knew I was going to break down this past Sunday. I had looked at the service lineup, and texted with my friend Stacey who was singing. I had no idea I would have such an ugly cry meltdown. After the sermon, we had communion. But not just communion. We had the opportunity to be anointed with oil, and prayed over with laying on of hands. I walked up to Pastor Nate a complete wreck. "I can't even word." I could barely get out more than that because of the sobbing. But I didn't really have to because he knows my story. We stood there in front of everyone, he praying over me, and me sobbing. And I was okay with that.
Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:13-16 ESV)I then took the cup (because the bread ain't gluten free), and sat back down. I sobbed uncontrollably some more. And it was okay. And it is a big breakthrough. I wasn't allowed to cry when I was a kid. My crying was categorized as either "having a fit" or "showing my ass." So I learned how to hold it in, and not cry. And then I medicated/self-medicated so I wouldn't cry. But crying isn't something to be ashamed of. I've been praying for healing. Family and friends have been praying for my healing. Crying is part of that healing. All I have to do is let it happen. And it's okay.
Sometimes I can remember events from childhood as if I were there again. Not the bad things or even really good things. It's more like ordinary things that wouldn't be considered significant events. I can remember the brightness of the sun, or the grayness of clouds. I can almost feel the warmth or the chill. I can see the colors, and I can almost hear the sounds and smell the scents. I didn't realize that I had the ability at one time to live in the moment and appreciate the beauty around me. It seems like a precious gift today as I reflect on random memories. I still have the ability. I don't know exactly when I stopped noticing my environment. I think it was in college. I would even go so far as to guess it happened when I began regularly numbing. I'm more convinced of that since I only started noticing and appreciating here and now moments and making mental note of them in the past year. Could it be that appreciating the beauty in the world around me is related to my desire and/or ability to feel my emotions? It's ironic that in the course of self-medicating to avoid feeling pain I anesthetized myself to beauty and joy that comes from admiring dandelions blooming along the side of the road. The numbing dulled the deep and vibrant green of the spring growth in the trees and grass, the red of the clover, and the orange of those flowers that popped up "volunteer" from last year's planting.
The numbing distorted the whole picture as well as the color, like the above picture of my mom and I. The camera and the film were cheap (and probably old), and while capturing a moment in time, it lacked the vibrancy of color. It does not accurately portray the joy I felt in that moment after finally talking Daddy into taking a picture. He even let me take my first picture that day. It is just as devoid of true color. I don't remember that afternoon in Polaroid. I remember it bright and colorful - with cats. :)
This rose represents what I see now in sobriety. I took this with my iPhone at church in between services where I went to smoke. (I wasn't hiding my smoking. I was just keeping the smoke away from others.) It was a gray, misty day that makes you want to just snuggle up in bed. But yet I was shown the beauty of the tiny raindrops on the petals and leaves of the flowers and plants. God gives us emotions to enjoy the beauty even amid the pain. I'm starting to believe that feeling and living through the pain makes the beauty even more beautiful.
The DragonLady doesn't like crowds. That's why she doesn't do concerts. Crowds freak her out. Also, she doesn't like to pay the price concert tickets cost these days. But you know what? I went to see Fleetwood Mac last month paying way more than I wanted to pay for tickets in the rafters. Prior to the beginning of the show, I would look at that and get that feeling in my stomach as if I was going to pitch forward and fall to my death. Because I also don't do heights. That's my "this is too high" face. Note that we weren't all the way at the top but close. Once they came out and started playing, though, I did not notice the height at all. It was a heck of a good show! I sat there singing along with every single song as only someone who has spent a LOT of time listening to Fleetwood Mac can do. I screamed. I yelled. I was surprised I could talk the next day. [caption id="attachment_2316" align="aligncenter" width="960"] Dreams unwind. Love's a state of mind.[/caption] [caption id="attachment_2317" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Tusk[/caption] They were so fantastic! Lindsey Buckingham didn't leave the stage until just before the encore, and then just during the drum solo in World Turning. I know he is the youngest member of the band, but he is still mid-60's rocking a 2.5 hour show. This was the finale, which I obviously didn't take from the rafters. Someone with much better seats than I took this. Also, I used up my free space recording Gold Dust Woman. Which I haven't uploaded.
It struck me in the middle of a conversation where I was sitting on my pity pot bemoaning the latest catastrophe to befall me. Do I really trust God? Do I really trust Him? Because it is one thing to pray and surrender everything to Him and His will, but when you've done that, and something happens that you didn't anticipate, it's another matter to follow through by walking in the faith you thought you had when you said that prayer. Talk is cheap, but living it out is going to cost something. Clinging to control and self-sufficiency is going to cost you a lot more. All the years I spent pushing myself and pushing myself trying to do it all and do it all perfectly exacted a heavy price. Multiple times. And I didn't get it. A few years ago I asked "Just how broken do I have to be?" I knew at the time. Completely. I just didn't really know what that means exactly. I have a much better idea now. It's whatever it takes until I become completely dependent upon God and quit trying to do everything (and do everything perfectly) in my own power in effort to be good enough. Ah, but there's more. I was talking with a friend earlier this week and we got on the subject of legalism in the church. Since we both grew up Baptist, we were generally talking about Baptist churches since that's what we have had the most experience with. I don't know where it came from (I probably read it somewhere), but in response to discussing the logical though flawed thinking behind legalism, I said, "Grace is scary because grace can't be controlled." If you can spot it, you got it. The control freak in me doesn't want to go down without a fight. She's been calling the shots for decades because she has to head off every possible problem and either prevent it from happening or fix it before anyone finds out she messed up. Every time she thinks she's hit bottom, it turns out to be a ledge, and she rolls right off over and over.
Can I really do this? Can I give up my control and self-sufficiency and really really surrender my will and my life over to the care of God? Am I going to just admit where my best thinking has gotten me and just trust Him? Am I going to accept the grace I can't control?
Faith is not primarily a function of how you feel. Faith is living out, trusting, and believing what truth is despite what you feel.— Timothy Keller (@timkellernyc) March 12, 2015
It seems like I turned into a girl overnight...at 45 years old. It's the weirdest thing yet not something I want to fight. First it was just wearing makeup, but then I suddenly decided I wanted to wear dresses. Yes. The girl who hated, HATED, wearing dresses as a kid likes to wear dresses now. How does that even happen? And sure enough, when I wear them to work, everyone thinks I have an interview. And no, I don't have an interview. What I do have is a different attitude and I can only assume it is related to sobriety and working out a lot of issues affecting my view of myself. I still have a long way to go, but it's amazing how much easier it is to travel just one day at a time. I was reading earlier, and I had gotten to a chapter with a title that included the phrase "return to sanity." It led to a short office discussion in which I stated that returning to sanity insinuates that you actually had sanity at some point. I will also point out that I was reading about home organization not any 12 step material. Although, the last chapter of the book referenced the founding of AA which had me look at the book from a different perspective. Regarding sanity and it's role in organization or lack thereof, I also had a conversation recently regarding the disorganization of my house. I've known my house was out of control for years, but I never really saw it as it really was. Just as I took action on my own personal appearance, I have begun to take action on the appearance of my house. Truth be told, it has looked like a couple of drunks have been living in it. The kids' rooms are complete wrecks because they learned housekeeping skills from a couple of drunks who made minimal (if any) effort to keep a clean and orderly house. Given the state of our house and my change in attitude, I decided that the house is getting cleaned up one way or another. I had purchased 30 Days to a Clean and Organized House a few months ago, and with that as a guide, went after my family. Because, you know, if I'm the only one working and there are 3 other people living in that house, it should be clean. CLEAN! I gave the kids a week to get their rooms cleaned up or else I was turning the internet off. Chad asked for an extra day, but he got it done and his room was by far the worst in the house. In the meantime, I cleaned up my office, the landing upstairs, the master bathroom, and got a big chunk of the master bedroom done. James got the kitchen deep cleaned, and a lot of the living room. The only reason Jamie still has internet is because I cannot currently remember the admin password to the router.
"Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change." - Alcoholics Anonymous.Finding a new way of life - and living it - will change your attitude, and the way you live life. Miracles happen, and promises come true.
I hated formations. I would do everything I could to get out of a formation. When I couldn't, I was generally irritable and borderline (if not outright) belligerent. I knew there was some real work I could be doing rather than standing until my toes went numb. There was one when I was overseas that pissed me off to no end because while it was done with good intentions, the execution had the opposite effect. Because really, who wants to get up on the 4th of July and go stand in formation in order to improve patriotism. In "peacetime." Having a lack of respect for a authority (which is not one of my good character traits), I pushed the envelope for that one. I dug out the worst uniform I owned which was one of my initial issued ones from basic, which I had worn at my first duty assignment. The pants were more faded than the shirt because that was one of the distinguishing marks of working in a combat comm unit in Oklahoma. You spent a lot of time outdoors in the heat with the BDU blouse off in just a tshirt. I found the worst looking BDU hat to wear, and probably found some mud to wade through and stick to my boots. Several of us carpooled, and so SSgt Nemec had 2 specialists and a senior airmen with her. I went all out to be a good role model. ;) When we got ready to leave, our division superintendent and commander were standing right in front of my car having a conversation. I said something like, "Hey y'all. Watch this!" I popped in a CD, skipped to the song I wanted, cranked up the volume, and blasted Fortunate Son. Despite that boldness, I was too scared to look as was Darrel and Val. But Emily looked, and gave a great description of the reaction. The commander pretended nothing was happening, but the superintendent's jaw dropped in complete disbelief. Score! But, after all that, all of us disgruntled soldiers and airmen went to Pop Bellies for breakfast which made getting up worthwhile. Fast forward a year later, and I still hate formations. And we all got tagged with one we couldn't get out of. By all, I mean the entire organization, just like the 4th of July one. Only it was a workday, but a Friday, and this one required service dress/class A's. Darrel managed to break something, so he had to stay and fix it while the rest of us dutifully gaggled up in front of headquarters. Now the occasion for this one was this. Every year the 303rd Bombardment Group who were based at RAF Molesworth during World War II would travel back to the UK for a reunion. That year was going to be their last reunion since it was so much harder for them to travel at their age. So the powers that be decided the JAC should greet them as they arrived. I was tired of standing long before they finally arrived. Let me tell you, I was not prepared for what I was about to be a part of. Yes, my uniform was sharp because I didn't have crappy looking blues. My shoes were clean and shiny. And I snapped to attention and a sharp salute. What I wasn't prepared for though was what I was about to see. I don't know how many cars and buses drove through us. I have no idea how many WWII vets were in them. But there were a LOT, and I don't think there was a dry eye among them. I know my eyes were leaking. I was filled with such pride to be able to honor those men - the heroes who made it. It was so humbling to watch those tear-filled men salute us back, and I was and still am so glad I didn't get out of that one. Because of that one, I didn't balk at going to the Memorial Day service the following year at Cambridge American Cemetery. Talk about another humbling experience. To walk among so many men who didn't make it back. Utterly heartbreaking. Today I specifically want to remember family members who served before and with me. I don't think there was a war since our countries founding that I didn't have an ancestor serving in. Unfortunately, I can only put names to those since WWII. I have multiple uncles, cousins, in-laws, and a niece who have served in each branch. It's great that my husband and I are among so many veterans among our families.