Archive for the Maniacal Monday Category

Hitting the wall again #NaBloPoMo

I ran into a friend at Starbucks last week. “You look tired.” Well, at least I looked like I felt. It was another one of those days that the alarm went off and I thought there was no way I would be able to get up. But I did, after only hitting snooze once, and was even a little bit early to work. Would have been earlier had I not had the conversation in Starbucks. I think I told her, “I need a wife.” But really what I need is another licensed driver and a second vehicle, and that won’t happen until after Thanksgiving. Next day a co-worker told me I looked like crap. Again, I looked like I felt.

Pretty sure I am burnt out. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends for a long time. It’s caught up with me. I wake up as tired as I go to bed. It’s like I’ve hit the wall.

I did something I didn’t want to do and stepped down from the worship team at church for a while. I didn’t give a time frame, but right now I am thinking a couple of months. I’m counting on Jamie getting her license and giving her Mom’s car to drive to take some of the pressure off of me to take everybody everywhere. At the very least, she will be able to take herself to her appointments. That will be less time I have to take off from work which means less time I have to make up at work since I am in the hole for leave and will be close to the max I can go in the hole after Thanksgiving. Anyway, back to the worship team, it’s not like it is really that big of a commitment. I was only doing a couple Sundays a month. But, over the past 3 or 4 months, I haven’t had the time nor the energy to put in the practice time I needed to. In turn, as much as I LOVE playing and singing with the band, I felt unprepared. And the last couple Sundays I played I couldn’t even keep the songs straight. Especially that last Sunday. Losing my place in a song is one thing. Playing the wrong song is a whole different thing.

I am mentally exhausted, I am emotionally exhausted, and I am physically exhausted. Perfectionism has run me into the ground. Thinking I have to know everything, do everything, and be perfect at it has beat me. That constant feeling of not being “good enough” or “strong enough” or “doing enough” has had a heavy toll.

Ain’t feelin’ it #NaBloPoMo

I don’t feel like writing anything. I’m tired, I feel like crap, and I’m pretty sure it’s ebola because I’m not pregnant. And that is why you don’t Google your symptoms. I would say it’s the flu if I actually had fever. Working was difficult today. With an install team there on a system I’ve been identified as the backup admin for, I had to actually pay attention and do stuff. And a class kicked off today too, and I had to do some stuff for that. Not much, but at one point I was doing something install related when I got handed a list of students to check for accounts, and then the phone rang. In fact, my phone rang a lot today. It was crazy. Anyway, I nearly shut down at that point, but my coffee combined with a lack of food had me going full speed.

And I couldn’t find my debit card this morning. That’s the way to start a Monday off right when you discover it’s missing as you are trying to check out at Walmart. I found it later. In.My.Purse.

I don’t even know why I can’t seem to relax. I don’t feel stressed, at least not emotionally. I did snap at the hubby earlier, but I didn’t want to hear a bunch of bitching over and over about the same thing. That may be because I’m still a little irked over something he said yesterday while he was hangry.

On a good note, I don’t have any appointments this week. Yay! I mean, I have rehearsal Thursday night, but it doesn’t really feel like work when I’m doing something I love. Not that I don’t like my job, and my chiropractor, and my therapist. But talking about feelings is really hard, driving to Cary for chiro sucks after a full day of work (actually, it’s the drive home from Cary that sucks so bad), and 8-9 hours of working is, well, work. 3 hours of playing guitar and singing is fun.

I got some watercolor paint over the weekend. Something I haven’t dabbled in since high school. Would like to try my hand at it again.

Adventures in Arkansas

I really should have sat down and written last night when I had things to say. Or at least made a note of what I wanted to write about like I suggested to Petra. Haha! But in my defense, I was sick as a dog from the flight back from Arkansas. But Enterprise hooked me up with a sweet rental car:

I almost didn’t make that trip. I really didn’t want to. I didn’t want to face my mom’s health issues because avoidance is my default action (or inaction as it were) when I can’t practice full on denial. But I plucked up the courage to do it anyway. Oh my word. Her short term memory is completely gone. She had a stroke while she was in the hospital recovering from pneumonia (and she has COPD), and while the memory issues could be attributed to Alzheimer’s, her inability to say the right words is not something she had prior. It was hard. Hard to listen to and watch her struggle to get out what she wanted to say, and hard to figure out what she meant. But she gets around fine, and I wore her out! Because that’s how I roll. ;) She’s in the nursing home for rehabilitation, and they let me check her out and run her around.

I took her to the Veteran’s Walk of Flags by the hospital first. We did not walk the whole thing.

But my cousin Sharon was interviewed later that day while she was there:

Flags Flying for Veterans In Morrilton Today

It is such a beautiful and humbling display, and I feel honored that I now have a flag among so many others. I am so very grateful to Sharon for making sure all the Eoff family veterans got flags.

Then we went out to the Bishop family reunion and I didn’t take a single picture of any of my family. :( I did take one down at the creek:

Because the reunion isn’t just complete without a walk down to the creek. It was the thing to do when I was a kid, and it still is at 44. Not that I got off the bridge because the possibility of falling and getting wet doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Mainly because I didn’t want my phone ruined. haha! But I had a great time, and didn’t get glutened. Mom seemed to know everybody and that was great! I had a good talk with my sister-in-law even if it was short and kept semi on the down low given what I shared with her. And throughout the weekend I got to have really good visits with family and a couple old friends and my mom’s neighbor. And then after I dropped Mom off Saturday night and left the nursing home, I drove around town and bawled.

Now, I don’t like to fly, and have been terrified of flying since 1999. So as I drove up to RDU to leave, I thought I would try a little something different than I normally do. See, normally the DragonLady doesn’t get on a plane sober. Granted, last summer I flew sober, but I was a wreck the whole time. This time, drinking wasn’t an option I was willing to entertain so I prayed and asked God to remove my fear of flying. You know, it worked. I was not at all scared coming or going. Even with the turbulence and thunderstorms around Charlotte. And no, I didn’t ask God to give me a good rental car. That was pure bonus. hahaha!

Random Randomness of Random

I should just go ahead an announce a blog hiatus because every time I have ever done that I’ve been able to write. It’s not that I don’t have anything to write, it’s just organizing thoughts into something coherent. Of course, there will be no coherency in this post just because. ;)

I took off work Friday so I could take the hubster to court. Told him early in the week that I had the day off. Late Thursday night he informed me that he had another ride. Alrighty then. He nearly got arrested due to the county rescheduling and not letting anyone know but him. So he goes back in June and I will not be his transportation this time.

Since I had the day, I took care of some bidness at the insurance agent, and went to Chapel Hill to pick up my race packet for the Tar Hell 10 Miler.

I love how fancy it’s all personalized. More on the race later.

I was a little hungry and definitely thirsty, so I stopped in Pittsboro at Chatham Marketplace, and they had what I wanted. I decided to have some fun and sent my sponsor a text saying, “So I picked up a 6 pack for lunch…” I followed that up with this pic:

6-pack

After eating the second one, I sent Petra a text saying that I had just had a mouthgasm. Yes, it was that good.

About the 10 miler. I woke up at 4:30 am with abdominal cramps from hell. Same thing happened about a month ago. So rather than treating it as a stomach bug, I took some ibuprofen and the pain was gone around noon. I don’t know what is up with that crap, or the hot flash from hell that had me up from 2-3:30 this morning. My knee is hurt also so there was a valid(ish) reason for not racing other than the fact that I haven’t run in so long I don’t remember the last time I ran.

After the meds kicked in Saturday, the good idea fairy showed up and convinced me that since it was such a nice day it would be a great idea to wash and wax my car. I’m pretty sure running 10 miles would have been less painful. 4 hours, and I am still sore today. I got some good sleeps that night and didn’t wake up until 9 yesterday.

photo 3

Oh, and Amber hatched Easter Sunday:

2 are already spoken for, thank goodness. She had 4, but one didn’t make it.

Enjoy your Monday.

“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”

While I will use a quote from Steel Magnolias at the drop of a hat, I can’t say that one is entirely true. Namely because I am not a big fan of tears. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed that I just know a good cry will help. Problem is, sometimes I am totally distraught, but yet just too numb to have the meltdown I need.

On top of all the life going on around me, I got sick last week. At one point, I was real close to going to the ER. But the pain finally became less frequent and less severe thankfully before I had to take my daughter to her appointment. Now she had been asking for a bank account forever, and I told her I would take her to the bank after her appointment. So we did, and through the course of talking to the gentlemen setting everything up, he got to telling us stories. We laughed until we cried.

I felt so much better.

Someone told me that I should find something that will make me deep down belly laugh hard when I feel like I need to cry and can’t because I’ll get the same emotional release I need. I am definitely a believer now. Of course I have to over-analyze everything I do and experience, and this was no exception. I will, however, spare you that introspection and analyzation and just leave it as is.

Sometimes, I just need to laugh and laugh hard. Even when I hurt.

Here, there, and nowhere

I fell over in Walmart yesterday. Stone cold sober, and not even sick. Just a word of caution: If the aisle seems too narrow to turn your cart around, it is. I guess it was just my turn to be an example of peopleofwalmart.com. Hopefully the other lady in the aisle didn’t snap a picture and upload it. I never looked back. lol

I think that is Tiger’s favorite spot. Or maybe his second favorite because his favorite spot may be the one where his butt is in my face.

It was a really nice weekend. I got out Saturday and spent a lot more time out than I intended. I really wanted to go for a bike ride, but I took James to Lee & Rachel’s. I wanted Starbucks, and since we were close(ish) to Southern Pines, that’s where I went. I did not, however, stop at Starbucks as half of Moore County was there. So I went to Hobby Lobby after I had taken a few photos around the area.

I sat Saturday night sorting and organizing my fasteners.

It was quite relaxing and I was almost able to completely block out what Chad and Alex were watching. The only thing I really managed to accomplish was washing my clothes and picking up my Flonase prescription.

This post really has nothing to do with anything. But it’s a post. With pictures. ;)

Making the most of it

I had to run a virtual 5k this weekend because my foot was broken the previous weekend. “Broken” is an exaggeration. It hurt like it was broken, but 1) I didn’t go to the doctor over it and 2) whatever I did to it happened at work while I was sitting at my desk. Saturday was just nasty windy, and so was yesterday morning. But after noon yesterday, the wind died down some, and the sun was out and I made myself go run. I tried every way I could think of to not do it and yet still count it, but I finally just texted Karyn and Molly “Tell me to run,” knowing they would give me that bit of motivation I needed to just go do it.

I hated every single step of that run.

But. I’m working on finding bright spots among the suck. As I approached the halfway point, I noticed a pond. I’ve run past that house countless times, but yesterday was the first time I noticed that pond behind it. I noticed the squirrels, which really isn’t unusual. I noticed the frogs croaking in the ditch on the way back, and noticed how once I got past them, they stopped. And, by the way, I love the sound of a bunch of croaking frogs. I stopped at a neighbor’s house and chatted with him for a minute (pausing the workout – lol), and learned he was a boxer when he was younger.

The actual running (and my time) sucked, but the rest of it didn’t.

I tried to get the dogs in the photo with me, but only Brownie would even remotely cooperate. I also ripped a hole in the butt of my running tights while trying to get the dogs in the shot. :-/ But it really was a beautiful day for a run. The race was the Stop Stroke Shuffle 5k. Enjoyed supporting Dani’s cause, and would not feel the donation wasted if I hadn’t run. Thank you Dani for the reason to get off my butt! :)

Lucille 2 has left the building

You know what I haven’t done in a while? A list.

1. Instagram is so flaky via web. At least mine is. Likes I leave disappear. Comments I leave show up on different photos. Aggravating.

2. I wuss out so easily on a virtual run. As I was pushing my entire grocery budget full of groceries across the Walmart parking lot Saturday afternoon, I told Jamie that I would NOT be running outside in that wind. Then I texted Petra to say it would be 5 (4.97) elliptical miles. Then that didn’t even happen. Hindsight: I should tell Karyn and Molly before I have to run that I need to run. I listen to them better when exercise is involved.

3. Speaking of Petra, we went to La Dolce Vita Friday night because I wanted pizza. So after the waitress leaves after we gave her our orders Petra says to me, “Did you just wink at her?” I didn’t even realize I did it. There we have it. I’m a winker. Apparently. And I said “winker” not “wanker.”

4. I played with the C.O.R.E. Worship Team yesterday. As always it was fun, and this time I didn’t need my chord cheat except for one song. Bradford got us all together for a group shot after the last service (minus one):

The last service was extra fun (or funny) because I had a case of vertigo going on.

Vertigo

That’s how I felt. Like Lucille Two. I nearly fell over several times including in the bathroom.

5. This irritated me.

stickers-edited

I really dislike political and religious bumper stickers. Doesn’t matter what side either.

6. I’ve been really slack lately commenting on other people’s blogs. I’m still reading, I just can’t generally formulate anything more than “Hey, great post,” which just feels like commenting to get people to read my blog. Not that I have ever been above link whoring, but this just seems dirtier.

I need to start journaling again

I am really glad I haven’t written in my journal since February 7, 2013. Kind of. I’m glad because so much of it consists of a record of James’ drinking, and did not and do not need to keep track of that. The last entry was about my dad; the first time I put down in writing that he was verbally abusive, and that I suffered because of it. I have now pretty much addressed all that, and am working on healing (and not perpetuating it).

With those 2 big things to deal with, I am glad I finally broke down (literally), and am getting treatment. I am also glad that Dr Garlick convinced me to continue taking happy pills with the half dose. In fact, I might even see about having him add a mild anti-anxiety since recurrent anxiety is as big an issue and the recurrent depression.

And here I am still putting my junk out on the blog. lol. Except not really. There are things that I’ve heard and read over the past few days that I really need to capture. But it’s not stuff that needs to be blogged. So why even mention it at all in a blog post? :dunno: I don’t know. I feel like writing, but I just don’t really have anything to say?

Anyway, I see my feelings doctor this evening. She’ll get a lot of the details. :)

Maniacal Monday #29

I bought 2 new pairs of pants over the weekend. This morning I put on one of them thinking they were brown. They are purple. I’m not even the least bit mad. ;)

I am sick again. It’s the same crap as I had a couple of weeks ago so I guess the hubs and I are just passing it back and forth. Saturday felt like a hangover and it has gone downhill from there. And yes, I am guzzling water.

I made a little trip to Cary Friday that I didn’t really want to make. But, I got a pickup ordered for my acoustic guitar. Actually, 2 got ordered so I will have to take one back. :sigh: I picked up some stuff from Michaels which wasn’t really a bad experience. The line wasn’t real crazy. But, I walked into Old Navy, and turned around and walked back out because it WAS crazy. Then I went to JC Penney to get a new purse, which is how I ended up with new pants and bras. Because sales. Anyway, I get back home, and James came out, and then asked “What happened?” while pointing at the front of my car.

I broke my car. I looked up underneath the bumper and saw bunch of dead grass stuck, and then remembered a few days ago turning too soon out of the driveway and hitting the ditch a little. Guess it was a little more hit than I thought. :(

Despite the sick, I was determined to get my hair cut Saturday. Nothing big, just layered. I was tired, and as the lady was cutting, there were a couple of times I shut my eyes, and was on the verge of napping. I think if it had been a dude, I would have gone to sleep because men play with your hair way more than women. Anyway, got that all done and went on a shopping trip to Walmart because I just couldn’t see any way around it without going farther than I wanted to go and spending more than I wanted to spend. The north Chatham Walmart wasn’t all crazy, and it really wasn’t a bad trip at all.

A couple of weeks or so ago, I saw a giveaway on a blog for a necklace that I loved! I’m pretty sure since I have heard nothing, I didn’t win. However, I thought, “I can make that.” It took a lot of trips for chains and connecting rings, and finally some ingenuity, but I made a similar necklace. Also, I made about 5 other necklaces, and have an idea I’m toying around with in my head with regards to jewelry making. I have no pictures yet.

Sunday morning, I had a weird dream. I have lots of weird dreams, but there was a lot of things in this dream that overlapped even though they are not at all related. I had to return a lawn mower to Lowes. But this Lowes in my dream had like a park on the grounds, and the Bridges family were there picnicking. Specifically, Gerald & Bonnie, Joe & Karyn & kids, and Jerry & Deanna & kids. Oh, and I haven’t met Jerry & Deanna in real life. I pretty much know what prompted them all being in the dream, but not at a park at Lowes. Anyway, so I decided the lawn mower in question needed to be tested one more time before returning, so I went out to the highway shoulder to mow. There was a woman out there mowing and she stopped to help a passerby whose car was pulled over on the shoulder in front of her. I needed to ask her if it was ok if I mowed a little bit too, and she wouldn’t stop and let me ask her that real quick so I yelled at her and made her let me ask. And then I mowed anyway, and the mower worked fine. After waking up, I realized that rude woman was the Commissary manager at Tinker AFB when I was stationed there who ignored me when I tried to stop and ask her about formula. Apparently, I am still angry about that incident. lol

I was on the worship team schedule for Sunday, and got there early in the pouring down rain. I was chatting with Pastor Nate a little bit, and he spoke an email into his phone for later, and then said how nice it is that Siri takes those down for him like that. I mentioned that my Siri can’t understand me because either I slur my words, or mumble, or talk too hillbilly to it. That prompted him to ask where I am from originally. Told him Arkansas and he said, “Really? Where in Arkansas?” So I gave him the standard where Morrilton is before saying Morrilton. Because even Arkansans don’t know where Birdtown is unless they are from Conway County or related. Anyway, he said, “So about an hour away from Stuttgart?” Because Pastor Benji was in Stuttgart duck hunting. Small world. Bradford had to change the key of one of the songs. Was not a big deal since it was just a B to A, and I was able to do the chord changes pretty well since it was just 4 chords. I think I lost my place playing during every single song. Shawn said it all sounded great, so I guess I didn’t do too bad. :) There was no afternoon service, and James was at Lee & Rachel’s for the afternoon, and I had a nice quiet house to myself for the afternoon. It was fantastic.

James cooked beans, but they didn’t get done until late, and I kept looking at a steak in the fridge and told him that it needed to be cooked or frozen soon. So he cooked it for me. He then said, that if it was too much that he would finish it off for me. I said, “Oh, I can take in a lot of meat.” And giggled. He said, “Yes, I know.” hahaha!

Last night, I was so worn out that I got in the bed at like 7. I was also cold and couldn’t get my feet warm, so that was another reason. Anyway, I was laying there reading, and my phone rang. After saying “What the heck” because no one calls my cell phone that late on a Sunday, I picked it up and it was Chad. So I answered with “Really?” He said something about Tumblr being blocked again, and I said “You could have just texted me.” Regardless, he didn’t know I was home. lol. And Tumblr was blocked again this morning even though I specifically allowed it multiple times, so I’m switching out AVG’s filter for NetNanny tonight.