Archive for the Humor Category

Maniacal Monday #24

Here’s how this day has gone so far. I get to Starbucks this morning, and one of the baristas came up and said “Good morning Martha! What would you like this morning?” Me: “Valium.” And she started to pull out a cup before she realized what I said. She got a good laugh as I handed her my cup and said blonde. I am quite sore today. I’m thinking maybe I did too much over the weekend.

First, I got glutened Friday at lunch. Usually I can get away with fajitas at the Mexican restaurants with no ill effects. Without the tortillas, of course. But they were crazy busy, and I ate one of Walter’s shrimps trying to make him out to be a wimp because no way his could have been more spicy than my spicy pumpkin dip. It was a delayed burn, but I have also had what he had and got glutened, so that could have been it. I haven’t been horribly effected yet, so it wasn’t a big glutening.

Since it was extended, I did the Dynamic Duel Canada vs USA 5k Saturday, only as it’s own run instead of the previous weekend’s combo run. And Saturday’s 5k = 5.4 miles. It was painful too. My knees hurt intermittently throughout the entire run. And my time sucked at 44:02. I hope this weekend’s 5k is better.

I got up yesterday and decided to go on a bike ride since I didn’t get around to it Saturday. I went the big loop by Deep River Park which is 11 miles of up and down. The 9.5 mile loop is more down than up. I pushed up the hill-to-be-conquered. I made a lot of stops. I nearly had to stop and puke around mile 3. But I got it done, and have been in pain ever since. Everything hurts.

We (hubs and I) went grocery shopping Saturday. The big just got paid trip. I needed some guitar strings and new picks, and also needed shampoo specifically from Target, so I planned out an Apex trip. We get to QuarterNote Music, and I did so well staying on target for strings and picks. Got ‘em, paid for ‘em, and as I was walking out the door, I looked back and saw 6 or 7 electric guitars on sale. They were all used, and 3 of them were under $100. So, yeah, I almost made it out the door with only what I went in for.

I told the lady checking me out that it just became the answer to either fixing or replacing my old one. I’m still going to get the old one fixed. It has too much sentimental value. :) But, the new one sounds so much better and it is so easy to play. I spent several hours playing and tweeking to get just the right sound. Right for me that is. ;) All this while the kids each had a friend over. Chad said he was pretty embarrassed when I was singing We Got the Beat. LOL!

Then we went to Target, aka Targzhay. This was where James got to witness first hand the type of thing that happens to me when I am out somewhere. I was wearing my “Run and Eat Cupcakes” shirt from last year’s cupcake virtual 5k because I was intending to go biking when we got back home. Apparently wearing that shirt in public means getting stopped by a random stranger to talk about it. I’m starting to notice a pattern when I wear race shirts in public. I can’t consistently blend in and not be noticed. Then again, it really doesn’t matter what I wear. I rarely get in and out of a store without another customer asking me something or just striking up a conversation. Also being an amazon woman, I am often asked to get stuff from top shelves. I complain, but I know it’s good for keeping my social anxiety from completely taking over me.

Grading. So, Jamie finally got her work done from week before last. :sigh: With all the shopping, and kids over, and playing with my new toy, I didn’t get any of Jamie’s work graded Saturday. By the time I slept in and did my bike ride yesterday, I had just enough time before church to do laundry and clean myself. Yes, I had to do laundry before I could shower because Connor was still over, and so wearing a bra was a necessity. But then after I got the clothes in the washer, everybody was gone. Chad went to the mall with Alex, James went to Lee & Rachel’s, and Jamie and Connor left and went to his house leaving me alone in the glorious silence again. I sat and basked in that a while, and also farted around on Facebook and Twitter. So it was after church before I looked at Jamie’s stuff, and decided to put off the grading, and just make out a new schedule. Immediately, I realized that grading was necessary because she has a test today and tomorrow. So I had to grade English and Algebra II. I could have graded Physical Science also, but I put that off because I was so tired and hurting and Sushi kept jumping up on the desk and laying on the answer key and I still had to put my laundry away because it was on the bed. So, yeah, I skipped the science, put away the laundry and went to bed.

Funday Friday #23

I had a small breakthrough this week. I found one of my pairs of arch supports, and started wearing them Wednesday. I had no lower back pain yesterday after I put my shoes on, and have had none at all today. Now maybe I will be motivated to go find the other pair or 2 I own. Along with that one pair of boots I can’t seem to find.

Speaking of Wednesday. The hubster went to court again Wednesday morning, and has yet another continuance. :sigh: But, this time his lawyer was not feeling well, and James said he looked really bad up close, so probably a good thing. But there was a good photo op in the parking lot. James spotted it, and we both found it funny.

Yes, it is juvenile. Whatevs. ;)

I’m about to make some dietary changes…again. Breakfast will not be the same. On the other hand, I should really pick up the phone and make an appointment with Dr Garlick to get some testing done.

For your daily TMI, you get another little work story. I came back from the bathroom this morning and said to the other female in the office, “That was round one. Consider that a warning.” A few minutes later, she gets up, and then comes back and says, “Martha!” To which I responded, “What? I warned you.” Apparently she didn’t wait long enough. And she knew I had chili last night. lol

Evie won’t bite anybody or anything. Except Jamie.

I think instead of running a 5k in the morning, I will run “the loop” which is 3.4 miles. Because I haven’t run it in a while. And I need to get in some hills before next weekend’s 5k.

I need a haircut.

KitKat has stopped sleeping on the ledge and falling off. She is napping in my office again. Amber acts like she thinks KitKat is a male and seems to be trying to seduce her. SMH. Tiger might have hit it the other day. :-/ But last night Tiger just smelled her and then ran off. KitKat is the only one that’s been fixed. The rest of them need fixing. I will gladly let someone pay for that. ;)

I guess this is all I got. The following was in the recommended videos when I got the link for Jamie and Evie, and I found it hilarious. :)

Funday Friday #22

TGIF. I say that like I have a nice relaxing weekend in store. lol This has been a crazy busy week. Again. And it’s going to be a busy weekend. And I really need to make time for an Al-Anon meeting.

Karyn and Molly double-teamed me with 5ks this week. One is a virtual, and therefore I am going to do The Dynamic Duel Canada vs USA 5k in conjunction with Run to Reclaim 5K. Because that’s how I roll. And plus, I haven’t run at all in like 6 weeks, and Saturday is my only free day to run unless I get a wild hair and do a run during lunch next week. Anyway, running 2 5ks tomorrow just won’t happen. Probably. ;)

I’m playing Sunday which means I’ll be at church almost all day. I’m actually looking forward to it. Rehearsal went great, and I left feeling just so pumped.

KitKat is still falling off the landing.

OH! I killed a HUGE spider Tuesday morning and didn’t even scream first. This was quite an accomplishment. Both for not screaming and for actually killing it myself. James has since referred to it as a tarantula, but it wasn’t quite that big. Then yesterday morning as I got out of the shower and started drying off, I felt something stick into my hand. I looked and saw legs and immediately knew I’d just been bitten by a black widow. So I shook out the towel before finally dropping it to the floor, and then the culprit emerged. It was a red wasp, and it much have just barely stung me because it really didn’t hurt that bad. I also don’t have the huge red swollen area that follows a sting. Just a little swelling, but it itches like crazy now. I might feel a little like honey badger.

My kids.

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They decided to fight over the front seat. Please take note of where we were. That’s a mausoleum behind them. :rolleye: Being mom of the year, I took a picture. No one was actually injured, though they did both end up in the front seat wrestling over it. There was no punching or scratching or hair pulling. It ended when I finally said “Enough!” and made Chad get in the back seat because Jamie had called front before we even stopped. You may (or may not) ask why we were at a cemetery. On the way to their counseling appointments (which only I had to attend), Chad asked what the big building was in the cemetery we passed. I told him a mausoleum, which I then had to tell him what that was and that I would stop by on the way back home. One of them asked why we don’t have any crypts here in the states, and I told them mausoleums were essentially crypts, just not underground.

I tried to find a really cool video to end with, and was not disappointed. Ok, it might not be cool, but it is hilarious.

Maniacal Monday #21

Know how to start a Monday off right? Oversleep. Slept right through the alarm (or hit snooze in my sleep), and was awakened by the dogs barking 15 min after I should have been at work. Fun times.

I finally finished the VIRTUAL RIDE for breast cancer hosted by Run with Jess this weekend. 31 miles of during October, and a lot of butt pain. lol I did manage to take a picture while I was riding during my second ride (the 12.5 mile one):

photo 1

Less than 4 miles into and I was already in pain. And I’m pretty sure I was even rolling downhill when I snapped it. ;) I rode 11 miles on Saturday, and that was all I could do. That left me 4.1 miles to finish yesterday, and as soon as I sat down on that seat I knew that was going to be a long 4.1 miles with a sore butt. But, after about a mile, my butt didn’t hurt so bad. Probably because my legs started to hurt worse. haha After it was over, I had the hubby snap a shot of me on my bike with the medal, because who doesn’t love bling?

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Now I have to start running again since I have a 5k coming up next month and a 12k in December.

I had to ask a question of Jamie this weekend. “Do you want to graduate on time, or do you want to do summer school or another year of school?” She’s 2 weeks behind, Chad is 4 weeks behind. Craziness. I’ve cut off internet for both. James said yesterday that they needed gas for their mopeds, and I told him I had been deliberately not getting more gas for them for the same reason they have no internet. And since he isn’t making them do their work which is the whole reason he isn’t working at a real job that actually pays, I have a fun-filled pending talk to have with him.

Anywho, Amber tore up my hand yesterday while we played. I didn’t realize the damage until I put on lotion and it burned us. I was very amused at KitKat’s ungraceful falling off of things she was sleeping on over the weekend.

Maniacal Monday #17

It’s been a while. I put off writing something I wanted to write about, and now I’ve decided that if I do write about it, it will be all snarky and end up with me being exactly what I want to rail against. So now you get a list post of catch up material. You know, for the 2 or 3 of you who still keep up. ;)

1. Rather than doing a recap (way after the fact), you will get the Reader’s Digest version of the last race. The Wednesday (I think) following the Ninja Challenge, Karyn dropped a link to a race on my Facebook wall for that Saturday. Thinking “It’s only a 5K,” I signed up for it (and the hubby too). Who knew that on May 25 we would wake up to temp in the low/mid-40s(F)?

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It was a trail, not real rough, but not real smooth and way more hills than I wanted to do. I struggled. Bad. Then as we were coming in to the finish line, a chick who had walked much of the course (ok, maybe she didn’t, but every time I had seen her prior she was walking) passed us running to the finish. I decided that she was NOT going to beat me, and busted out into a sprint to the finish line. Karyn was shocked to see that kind of speed come out of me though I am sure I wasn’t going near as fast as I felt. LOL

2. The first weekend in June, the hubby went to a small music festival that a friend of his hosts every year. He came back and told me “I brought you something.” I got all excited thinking he got me some of that fantastic homemade wine, but it was a small (roughly half-pint) jar of moonshine. :-/ If you like sourmash, it was good. I don’t, but I drank it anyway ’cause that’s how I roll. And not in one day either.

Then 2 or 3 days after the festival I come home, and he opens up the front door, and this ran out:

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Yes, he brought home another dog under the reasoning that someone else wanted a dog like that. Her name is Precious, and yes, we still have her. :sigh:

KitKat is not amused.

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3. Tiger and Sushi are doing really well. They got totally eaten up with fleas, and we undertook chemical warfare this weekend to rid them and the dogs of the flea menace. KitKat kept herself well hidden and managed to (so far) escape bath time and/or dusting. She isn’t likely to get a bath because despite her fat, she is quite nimble and not afraid to sink her claws to the bone.

4. Friday night I sent Karyn a text asking her if she was up for 10 miles on the American Tobacco Trail (ATT) in the morning. She said no, but that she needed to. So I asked her if it would help that we only had to run 7. :) So we go out there, and if she hadn’t been going, I would have gone back to bed. But, it turned out to be a much better run than I was expecting. Just after the 3 mile marker I met Karyn on her way back, and told her I had improved my 3 mile time. I was feeling great and kicking it. And then I hit a stretch of trail that wasn’t shaded and nearly died. And had to run back through that stretch after the turnaround. But I got my third wind around mile 5, and even after sprinting the last tenth of a mile, I felt like I could keep going. However, I was very glad I didn’t have to! Twice during the run I had to stop and rake pea gravel out of my shoes, only the second time when I did the rake, I nearly cried when I realized that was NOT a rock, but was a blister. Evidently I can no longer wear the really short running socks.

5. Father’s Day was rough this year. For me. I might write specifically about why at some point.

6. June 9 I had to take Chad to pick up a game we preordered on his birthday. This year his birthday gift was one that just keeps on taking, and I’ll have some more pain in August or September when the other one comes in that I preordered for him. Anyway, since Starbucks was right there I “needed” to stop. Now Saturday morning when I picked up Karyn, I told her that we would be going to Starbucks after the run. And when I ordered (at the drive through) the dude who took my order was very friendly and Karyn made note of it. So I then told her about the stop with Chad because that dude was just as wacky friendly. Which is fine. It’s entertaining. What wasn’t entertaining on the 9th was when the dude handed me my coffee and hesitated over the handoff as our hands were (awkwardly) touching.

aOqoxMr_700b

7. Heh

Recap part deux

I am in a much better mental state than I was yesterday so maybe I will do more of a race recap. Ok, maybe I am not in a better mental state, but I can write more about race day without being snarky and judgmental, and maybe purge some of the angst from myself so I can write about what I really want to write about.

I can’t tell you how much I love having heated seats. You really can’t beat them when you are wearing running tights and your butt is cold. This is one of the reasons I drive us to races. Karyn has fallen in love with my seats too. :) But that really isn’t all that relevant. I just want to express how much I am thankful for heated seats.

I bought a parking pass when I registered, and was so glad because I wasn’t up for a shuttle to/from NetApp to the race site. I get motion sickness, and bus rides are pure torture for me. Anyway, so we head up there and I am thinking that I know what road to turn onto from Hwy 55, but I was wrong and so we had a little not so scenic side trip before I stopped and looked at the directions again. Anyway, so we get there, and the lot was nearly full, and as the guy was directing me into a slot, a car whipped in behind him and got it. It was the last slot, too. The guys manning the traffic at the street had let 2 cars into the lot more than there were slots for. These things happen, and they are just volunteers. I ain’t hatin’. Except on the person who slot blocked me. Anyway, the 2 of us extra vehicles got to park in VIP parking. “Yo, VIP!”

I actually ate some of the gummy fuel things they were giving out. I keep pretending that didn’t happen as I know they are just sweetened chemicals. So really, eating the gluteny pizza was not the only “food” fail. And then there was the stop at Starbucks afterwards. And why can’t every Starbucks make a triple venti caramel macchiato with extra caramel the same? Tasted great last week on post. Tasted like mostly espresso there. Eh, what do you do?

Did I mention I could barely walk yesterday? I’m still sore today, but mainly in my back.

I really really hate this “song” and always have, but since I referenced it…

I will write eventually…

Maybe. I just haven’t felt compelled to really focus on anything or to even do a random list post. In fact, I haven’t really been all that into reading other blogs. So, until I can come up with something to write about, here’s a little something for the 2 or 3 people who didn’t see this when I posted it on Facebook.

“We can dance if we want to…”

I set out a little late for my run last night. I thought it was another 3 miler, but turns out it was 4 miles. You want to know a good motivation for pushing yourself? Start at 8pm and try to do 4 miles before dark. Anyway, I picked a different route than Saturday morning’s 4 miler because I hadn’t done the loop in a while, and I wanted to work in more uphill since half of tomorrow’s 5k is uphill. I finished the first mile in under 11 min, but there was too much uphill to maintain that pace and so the next mile was concentrating on breathing and continuing to run. Shortly after I finished the second mile, and was heading downhill, something bit or stung me. It felt about like a sweat bee, but then I looked down at my calf, and nearly soiled myself at the size of the bug.

Now before I continue, I’m really not a girl about bugs. With the exception of stinging and biting bugs, they are just an annoyance. But when it is big and flies fast and looks like a hornet, I turn into a girl. I didn’t scream, and I don’t think I let the f-bomb fly, but I did the bug dance trying to keep the thing from perching on my calves and either biting or stinging. I kid you not, I think that thing was chasing me. Of course with that “dance” I was doing in the road, I wasn’t running though I got a lot of upper body movement trying to swat at it. This whole act went on for a quarter mile before I finally hit it hard enough to stun it so I could kill it. I had to step on the thing 3 times before it quit moving, too!

With the bug dead, I continued walking and tried to get myself back in the game while pondering whether or not to continue attempting the 4 miles since I had initially abandoned the addition to the loop route to give me 4 miles instead of 3.4. By the time I made it up the hill I had only decided to attempt running again. Well, attempt was all it was because the bug dance tweaked my knee which has been sensitive since last week’s 4.5 miler. But I figured I could go ahead and finish walking 4 miles anyway, and just take a left onto my road and go around the corner and then back to the house. I wasn’t past the first house before another one attacked me, albeit a smaller one. That’s when I dropped the f-bomb and turned towards the house. That bug didn’t follow me either…weirdly.

This is what I think the bug was. Harmless, yes, but still too big to ride on my sweaty calves.

This is to attempt to make up for Safety Dance.

Be glad I didn’t pick the Jagger/Bowie remake…or even the Van Halen remake… ;)

And I am a complete girl over spiders. Size is irrelevant.

Sometimes it’s an adventure

Or maybe I should say “misadventure.” It often is a misadventure when I run. Like tripping on the sidewalk that one day at lunch when I was in a recovery walk and tried to cover with an immediate run. Pretty sure I flailed before the cover run which made it obvious that I am just clumsy. LOL

I forced myself out of the house Saturday evening for a run, and saw this right around the neighbor’s driveway:

Honey badger won't get stung by this cobra...

and sometimes I hit publish instead of preview

Yesterday I again forced myself to run, but ran a slightly different route because my normal route has the potential to run into people and have to chat, albeit briefly. I was not up for that because too many people had told me that it is not a good enough excuse to not run if you haven’t shaved your legs. So, I went the opposite direction, and saw more walkers & met more cars than I ever have either direction. *sigh* Lesson learned. ;)

The aftermath

Note: I started this post while under the influence of vicodin…and then I got sick and spent the rest of the day trying not to puke.

“Drugs are bad. Mmmmkay.” Unless they are prescription meds for pain and/or nausea. I typically get sick from vicodin, but phenergan negates the sickness. All in all, it wasn’t percocet, but I got hooked up. Read: stoned out of my mind. I took a lot of naps.

I drove to the hospital that morning expecting to pretty much be alone until after surgery. The hubby gets off work at the time I was scheduled for surgery, and that was fine. I really wasn’t at all concerned about the procedure. Wasn’t scared other than my typical insecurity-based fear of spending the morning with a bunch of strangers or nearly strangers since I had only seen the ENT once. Oh I knew my pastor was going to come by for a little while, but I knew he had a prior commitment. So I was quite pleasantly surprised when I walked in the door and there sat Ms. Ruth.

Me: “What are you here for?”
Ruth: (pointing at me) “You.”

She had already talked with the staff & knew who my nursing team was, and used to work with 2 of them plus had worked with my ENT before she retired. “You have the A-Team this morning.” I had already been given the low-down the day before during pre-op not to bring anything but myself to include not wearing wedding ring if I could get it off. So I was there with the clothes on my back, my drivers license, and just the key for the Neon; the latter 2 items only because I drove myself there. But with Ms. Ruth there, I gave her my license and key to hang on to, and didn’t have to worry about that. Not that I think I had anything to worry about from my team. They were great.

The nurses warned me about the sedative they were giving me prior to going to the OR. Things like, some people get and tell them “Do whatever you want,” and even “You may not remember anything.” They also told me I would feel really really good for the first 45 seconds. I feel cheated because I didn’t really start feeling it until they got me in the OR. I remember the trip to the OR, I remember moving from the bed to the table, I remember a woman telling me she was going to put on oxygen mask, I remember it going on, and I remember the anesthesiologist & nurses wrapping me really tight with a blanket, and then there was just than woman who gave me the oxygen waking me up. I don’t remember really anything she said to me, but I remember coughing a lot and not being able to answer a question for coughing. I apologized for taking so long my coughing and she said, “That’s fine. It’s good that you are coughing.” I remember her apologizing for something she had to do and I remember saying “It’s all gravy on this train, dawg.” That is probably the least goofy thing I have ever said post-surgery. haha

And then I got sick. Not a sudden I’m gonna puke sick, but a room is spinning motion-sickness kind of sick. They gave me crackers and I only managed one because I had the worst case of cotton-mouth ever. The ride home was terrible. Oddly, I don’t remember the off ramp exit from highway 1. I have troubles with it making me sick as a passenger when there is nothing wrong. But, we got home and I got ready to pass back out, and when I went to the bathroom I was quite sure that I was going to throw up that one cracker and the water I washed it down with. I didn’t though, and made it back to the recliner where I proceeded to pass out until the hubster returned with the ginger ale.

This is as far as I got that day.

The cracker broke my gluten free diet, and the ginger ale broke my no high fructose corn syrup diet. I proceeded to eat like crap for the next few days. And when I thought I was better, I wasn’t. I felt great on Saturday. And so, I thought Sunday morning would be a breeze. Wrong. I knew by the time I got to church, I was going to struggle, and so by the time Sunday School was over, I told Bob and/or Judy that I was probably going to sit down after the contemporary songs. But I felt a little better after the last contemporary, so I stayed up for the 3 hymns. Big mistake. I did good to walk to the car when church was over. Came home, ate, and decided to take a little nap. 4 hours later I woke up with a pounding headache and decided that I was not going to evening service. But since finishing off the last of the antibiotics Thursday morning, I’m feeling pretty good now. Except for a pulled back, but that is unrelated.

So as I was running errands this afternoon, I was thinking again about what happened in the OR. I now know the point at which I was the sedative rendered me willing to do whatever, and it was right around the time they transferred me to the operating table. At that point, honey badger no longer cared. That may or may not make sense with the rest of the post, but I’m really not going to re-read (fully) what I wrote under the influence. I’ll clarify later if anyone cares. haha