I skipped a tribe run yesterday. I brought my running clothes to work to change into. I even made sure I had a yellow shirt to run in for the Boston Marathon bombing (I wore a blue shirt to work), and that my iPod was charged, and that I had my hat, and my watch. (Stop judging my sentence structure.) I only half listened to my mom on the phone while trying to invent an excuse to give to Karyn who had a good reason to skip the run. But, I couldn’t really come up with anything and just went on home resigning myself to tell the truth. I didn’t feel like running. And I am glad I didn’t.
I got to sit and listen to my daughter tell me about having to both play AND sing in front of her class, and how scared she was. She said she had to stop at one point because she was shaking so bad, shake out her hands and pick back up. I know what it’s like to stand in front of people playing and singing and shaking like a leaf the whole time. I am so proud of her for having the courage to do it in spite of her fear (which I couldn’t do at 16).
I got to spend some time with my son trying to find super glue. Ok, he was looking for it and I was just telling him where it wasn’t. And to not eat my chips.
I got to sit down with the hubby for a little while after he showered, and remove 2 thorns from his thumb. Contain yourselves. Very exciting, I know. But he can’t see well enough to get them out himself, and since I wear these handy-dandy progressives, I can see well enough.
And then I sat/laid (I was going back and forth between the 2 on the bed) and read. And the book tore me down, and led to exposing an idol which led to a time of prayer of repentance, which gave me an area where I could affirm and encourage my husband…which was itself an answer to a prayer.
So, yeah, I am glad I skipped out on the run, because the time with my family was much more rewarding.
And I did 2 pushups before I went to bed, so I did do some exercise.
Why does the weekend fly by so fast while the work week drags?
1. The hubby and I went to Good Friday service Friday night. Oh, man. Talk about being undone. Although I have never seen The Passion of the Christ, I have seen enough bits and pieces that I can recognize it at any point, and know that I am about to meltdown.
2. I finally had a DNR – Did Not Race. I not only registered for the 3rd annual Jelly Bean race 10k, (the 2nd annual Jelly Bean race was my first ever 5k), I also bought a finisher’s medal. With 2 weekends to get that run done, I didn’t get that run done. No, I don’t have a good excuse/reason. Actually, I did do some running Saturday morning, but it was to the bathroom. Still paying for that Papa John’s 2 weeks ago… I was, however, highly productive around the house. And at least my first DNR was a free virtual one. Well, except for the finisher’s medal. But I think I will just alter it to say “2nd” and “2012″ and attribute it to last year. And by alter I mean tape paper to make it look obvious. lol
3. I’ve cooked 2 weekends in a row. Enough that I have been hooked up with a week of meals. Which is good since as of today, we are broke until next payday. Fun times.
4. I’m going to do a detox next weekend (I finally took my new juicer out of the box after buying it a month ago), and will be giving up sugar and dairy – specifically cheese. I may expound on the why later in the week.
5. In the midst of my cleaning out of clutter Saturday morning, I happened across my taser. (I wondered where it went.) I wasn’t entirely sure it was still working when it went missing, but I went ahead and plugged it in to charge it. Sunday morning, as I was showering (which is a story in itself that I will spare most of you), I heard the hubby comment on the fact that I was charging my taser, and yes, it was plugged into one of the outlets in the bathroom. The following conversation ensued after discussing how long it had been charging (about 24 hours at that point):
J: “Well, it’s shocking me.”
M: “Did you seriously just tase yourself?!”
Sure enough, when I was done showering and opened the curtain, he was still standing there with taser in one hand and touching the contacts with the other while triggering it. And I’m thinking, “What if it had still worked?”
6. The hubby and I went on an impromptu date Sunday for lunch (because my taser didn’t work – lol). We finally decided on Red Robin because while I was open to Sonic tater tots, that would have been my lunch while he would have eaten a burger I want. So there we are at Red Robin, and our waiter decided he recognized me? From that point on, every staff that came by our table spoke primarily to me. At this point I should point out that when I am out somewhere, I really prefer to blend in to the background and not be noticed. I’ve built up this idea in my mind that I give off a vibe to that effect, but apparently I fail miserably at it. Karyn told me flat out that she has never noticed that from me, and my daughter took it a step farther and told me I shouldn’t look so approachable. Wait. What? Ok fine. I outwardly fail at my inward introversion. Probably the whole forcing myself to make eye contact and smile when I really want to scream and ball up in a corner in the fetal position. I have issues, and this wasn’t the direction I intended to take with the date. haha. Squirrel!
We also stopped by the American Tobacco Trail, and walked out about a half mile and back. It was a miserable walk because I needed to pee a little bit before we walked out, and I needed to go so bad on the walk back that I was afraid to cough or sneeze. And once we go back to the parking area and I headed into the hole-in-the-ground toilet, I couldn’t go. Ugh. I really hate that when I have to pee so bad I can’t. But eventually the dam broke, and then I was like “Am I ever going to stop?” And yes, you needed to know that.
7. I was introduced to “The Game” on Friday, and am not appreciative. Don’t ask. Don’t Google. Chad threatened to disown me over it. lol Same guy also introduced me to this:
Petra refused to watch the whole thing, but you should. Seriously.
I have started, and deleted this post about 3 times now. It’s gone from snarky to whiny to incoherent. As I sit here trying for the 4th time to get this written, this version may be snarky AND whiny AND incoherent. See, there are events and conversations behind it that would give it the necessary context, but I don’t want to blog about those. But there was one conversation that has kind of served as a catalyst for wanting to write about this because something was said that kind of shook me up and made me think.
At one point I said essentially that doctrinally I am still a baptist. Then later as I thought on it I thought “But culturally, I don’t think I am.” This brought up the realization that I have been a baptist my whole life – 12 years longer than I’ve been a believer. So naturally, me being me, I “have” to question whether I have picked baptist churches as an adult because I am altogether baptist or if it’s because that’s all I know. I mean, seriously, up until the past month, aside from a handful of base chapel services when I was active duty, the only non-baptist church I had ever attended was a Catholic church with my best friend in high school for a few months.
There are some things that I am sure of.
1. I don’t want my “Christian experience” to consist of just church attendance. That’s performance. I did that for my entire childhood as a deacon’s kid. I don’t want to just play the part at church services and functions. Like I said, been there done that.
2. I don’t want to go through the motions and not get out of my comfort zone. Kind of like #1, only I want to perform in a way that brings glory to God and not attention to me. “Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.”
3. I want to reach out to the lost, particularly the unchurched. You know, the ones who don’t know how to “perform” as a “good Christian” is supposed to. Rough, crude, and unpolished. The ones that folks who grew up in church and never openly rebelled/strayed don’t know how to relate to.
4. I don’t want to “get our country back to God” by means of political activism under the banner of the church. We cannot ever change a culture of any kind through politics. No law ever changed a person’s heart. Plus, the USA has never been nor will ever be the new Israel which is to say we, as a country, are NOT God’s chosen people.
So far, this seems to be kind of a ramble, but whatever. That’s what happens when I don’t fully contextualize. Where I am right now is with my family looking for a new home church. Let me tell you, when you leave a church where you love each and every person there, it is like breaking up. It’s not pleasant. It hurts. It hurts you, and it hurts them. But sometimes you have to move on for the sake of the whole family, and when your kids don’t want to go anymore, and you reach the point that it is nearly impossible to force them, it’s time to move on. Hence the dilemma. Do I continue to press for a baptist church out of tradition? And I have come to the conclusion that what I want is a church faithful to scripture, zealous for evangelism and discipleship, as focused on children and youth ministries as adult, and not afraid to open up in worship and in life (meaning, you can’t be open if you “bite and devour” aka gossip and backbite).
I think I managed to hit snarky, whiny, and incoherent. Therefore, since I have labored over this post for well over a week, I leave you with a little “Flyman.”
2. I had an emotional meltdown on one of the school administrators last week over my daughter’s absences last semester. They are being totally supportive so I guess crying does work even if it was virtual via email. But, I made a deal with Jamie that if she will finish out the school year and comply with the attendance contract, we will start homeschooling her starting this summer since she is constantly asking to drop out. It’s purely social, and I totally understand where she is coming from.
3. Our oven went out last weekend. Superbowl Sunday specifically. The igniter went out, but it didn’t just go out, it burned out. And after attempting to get a replacement part, and discussing the big hole burned in the bottom of the oven that is probably why the temp was never right, we opted to just buy a whole new stove. And James picked out a “fancy” one.
4. #2 above apparently ushered in the return of the migraines. The weather is not helping.
5. Now that the roof is done, and all the completely busted out windows are repaired, James and Rick started working on the suite bathroom upstairs. They pulled out the outdated vanity, and pulled up the old tile, and have laid down new.
Out with the old…
…in with the new.
Plans are to repaint the avocado green tub, and to apparently replace the old plumbing fixtures with new since the cold water handle is a vice grip as the old handle stripped and the fittings are so old that they don’t make that size anymore. Fun times.
Also, they took the top off the old vanity pulled out of the bathroom, and made a cabinet in the laundry room and are going to install a sink.
6. Jamie makes me listen to Alt Nation when she is in the car with me. It’s starting to grow on me.
1. I had the flu a couple of weeks ago. The last time I remember being that sick for that long was when I was 16 and had a ruptured appendix. It was the flu my parents used to get when I was a kid that would put them each down for a week while I managed to avoid it, or just have a 24 hour episode of it. The 4th day, I stood in the shower praying for death. Then I went back to bed, had a meltdown on the hubby, started coughing, and nearly puked on him. He ordered me to stay in bed the rest of the day, and I didn’t argue. And he made me potato soup for 2 days. He also twice picked up food from La Dolce Vita for me.
2. The weekend prior to getting the flu, I made a spontaneous decision to get the kids up and go to Wilmington for the weekend. Since Karyn and I are running the Bay Six Half Marathon, and are in training for it, I had a long run that was supposed to take place that weekend. 7 miles to be precise. So I got up that Sunday morning and headed down to the fitness room in the hotel confident that I could easily do 7 treadmill miles. I did about 4.25 miles and fast walked nearly another mile in a futile attempt to get the full 7 in. However, it was at least 200 degrees in that room. Celcius. That may be an exaggeration. Later I went back down and noted that the thermostat was turned off which explained why it got so flippin’ hot in there.
3. This past weekend, Karyn and I ran a 10k. It was 17 degrees (fahrenheit) when I left my house. It was 22F when we left Karyn’s house. After the race, and after we had gone into Fayetteville to get me a vanilla spice latte from Starbucks, the temp got up to 34F. Yeah, it was cold. I hadn’t run in 2 weeks, and I was done at mile 2. I don’t know how I kept going, and I sure don’t know how I managed to run the full 6.2 miles especially going up that last hill. But I did, and Karyn got to see me have an asthma attack from the finish line through the shuttle ride back to the high school where we parked. She says I am a machine for being able to run like that. I really cannot fathom how I am able to do a long run after not running at all for 2 weeks and the previous run being a DNF. I should not be able to do it. And Anderson Creek should be renamed Anderson Hills. Just sayin’.
4. The hubby and his friends finally got the roof done, and all the broken out windows have been replaced/repaired. They are nearly done with Chad’s bedroom, and are working on the suite bathroom upstairs.
5. I am almost finished with the scarf I have been knitting for Chad. He may or may not ever wear it, but it’s the same shade of blue as his beloved hoodies.
6. I am going to try crocheting some doilies after Opal said she tackled round crochet before getting squares down. And anyway, doilies are what I want to crochet anyway.
7. I need to do another food detox. I also have to accept that I have to give up cheese. And I got glutened again, probably while I had the flu and was too sick to do the dishes resulting in cross-contamination. But, it could also be the Harris Teeter sushi. So I have to lay off of that for a while because even though I get the ones that do not contain wheat on the label, I am sure cross-contamination still occurs.
8. Jamie is taking guitar this semester, and so she demanded an acoustic that doesn’t buzz. While I was sick she talked me into giving her mine. So I went and bought a new acoustic last week, which was no easy task for me to choose. However, I picked one with a cutaway rather than the one with the better tone, and then ended up regretting my decision all the way home. But then Jamie saw the new one and wanted it, so it was a win since I got my Alvarez back from her.
9. Somehow we ended up with a house full of teenage boys Sunday. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Connor came home from church with us, and at some point Jamie was out of the house, and when she came back, Aaron and Alex were there and she started yelling, “Get out of my house!” Of course no one left. lol
Molly told me I need to blog. Funny thing, I wrote 3 paragraphs yesterday, and deleted it because I just wasn’t really into it. I’m still not, but I will anyway. I suppose since I did an end of year post for 2012, I should do a beginning of the year post for 2013. That, of course, infers that I have resolutions, but I don’t. Goals, yes, but those started prior to the end of the year.
Goal 1: Learn to rest.
One wouldn’t think this would be difficult, but when you can’t remember how long you have been working 7 days a week, it is hard to take 1 day and not work at all. I tried last Sunday, and while it was not all that hard to stay off of email and Facebook, and 1 of the 2 times I got online was legitimate (auto insurance id cards), I had to make myself not do a load of laundry or watch a movie. I know, movies aren’t work, but there was a purpose. Part of the rest is “no screens.” But aside from having to pick up some groceries because I had no food (poor planning), and then cooking (because I had to eat), and cleaning the toilet in the master bath because it was just nasty and I couldn’t stand it, I did my best to just sit and relax. Did some reading, and attempted some crochet, but the latter was just pissing me off so I left it for another day.
Goal 2: 13 races in 2013
I saw this 13 in 2013 challenge and signed up for it because it is “easily” attainable. I mean there are 5ks all the time. I am signed up for this half-marathon, and have already said if it goes well, I want to do a full marathon.
Goal 3: Crochet
In a sense, I have already met this goal because I made an ugly dish cloth this week. The reason I call it ugly is that it was my first project so my stitching was inconsistent (and wrong) for the first few rows. Actually, I did the single stitches consistently wrong, but whatever. I started at least getting the stitch count right and the knack of the single stitch down by the last 4 rows. Below is my progress from the chain to first row of single stitch to half way to done.
And really, the crochet will fall under the resting because I chill out when I am doing it. My mind doesn’t wander all around and everywhere when I have to concentrate on counting stitches and rows.
Goal 4: Pushups
This was a goal I had and failed last year. I haven’t been able to do even 1 pushup in at least 10 years. I want to be able to do at least 10 by the end of the year.
Goal 5: Make my marriage and family priority
I also started on this one before last year was over. We have issues, and those issues need to be worked on instead of ignored while focusing on other stuff. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Goal 6: Journal every day.
With the caveat not to obsess if I miss a day. But 3 days in, I have done ok with this one so far. Since there is some daily tracking involved with Goal 5 for now, it really shouldn’t be that much of a problem to do. Shouldn’t.
Goal 7: Eat healthy.
I’m already working/caving on this one, but I haven’t been to Starbucks all year. LOL!! Maybe they are done with the holiday beverages and I can leave off the pumpkin spice lattes. Yes, I know that you can actually get them year-round, but it isn’t as tempting when it’s not printed on the menu. Anyway, by healthy I mean less processed and less meats (especially red & pork), and more fruits and veggies. This was last weekend, btw…
That’s a lot of meat!
I guess that is all for now that I am not already working on and/or am willing to put out publicly. Maybe I should add blog at least once a week?
It’s amazing the difference having a restful Sunday makes on a Monday. I still wanted to sleep in, and wish I had taken today off instead of boxing day, but I don’t feel emotionally drained. More on that later. Seeing as how it is the last day of 2012, and a recap of the year seems to be the thing to do, here goes a quickie:
Came out of the worst depression ever.
Accepted a challenge to eliminate artificial flavors/colors/preservatives from my diet and went through awful physical withdrawls. Twice.
Failed at my exercise and reading challenges…and still can’t do even one pushup.
Figured out a bunch of food sensitivities in addition to gluten.
I have a feeling I was the first person Brenda called after she found out, and I felt so inadequate. I mean, I know there is nothing I can say or do to ease the pain, but I want to. For the whole family.
I grieve with them. I spent nearly as much time at the Whitbey’s house when I was in high school as I did my own. They became a second family, and I called Rita & Bill “Mom and Dad” as if they were my parents, too. Brenda and her siblings are like my own, except I am an only child so my siblings are friends siblings. But that didn’t really apply to Kevin since we dated off and on, so there was a whole different dynamic to that relationship.
He was the second classmate lost in just a couple days. Our class has been hard hit even before we graduated with accidents, suicide, and even murder. But this is the first within our tight group of friends. We had friendships that spanned different groups, but yet we had a core group of 10-15 people who met together before school and during lunch to hang out, and in smaller little groups on weekends based on work schedules. I’ve mourned each classmate lost, and sometimes with wishing I had known them better. None have hurt like this.
I ask that you pray for his family. His parents who have lost their son. His sisters and brother who have lost their big brother. His grandmother who has lost a grandson. His children and grandchildren who have lost their loving dad and grandpa. For his uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, and cousins. For his friends, who are many, and have lost a kind and caring friend.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
(Romans 12:15 ESV)
I guess since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I should write a post about what I am thankful for. I’ve struggled all week to write something, and I don’t know why it never occurred to me to write about Thanksgiving. Well, actually, that isn’t entirely true. It’s hard to be thankful when you are sick and have a pulled muscle and you want to wallow in self-pity.
Lots of folks have been posting as their daily status on Facebook something that they are thankful for. I guess it’s supposed to be done for each day of November. Half the time, I don’t even post a status anymore. But I digress, and am already getting off topic.
This year I am thankful for the trials I have been through for about the past 5 years. One normally isn’t thankful for having their dad die, their mom to be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, 2 back-to-back job problems, 2 teenagers with issues (likely stemming from their parent’s issues), and an alcoholic spouse who had to go to rehab. Who in their right mind would be thankful for stuff like that? Let me tell you, each and every one of those situations sucked big time! There have been times that I wanted to just run away, and times (like late last year) that I was so depressed that I wanted to die. (Note: I was not suicidal. There is a BIG difference.) But each of these things in their own unique ways brought about much needed changes in my life.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. (James 1:2-3 ESV)
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. (James 1:12 ESV)
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 1:6-7 ESV)
Each of the events increasingly broke down my emotional barriers and showed how much of my life I had spent controlling or avoiding situations around me in order to keep the barriers up and to fortify them. Little by little, and painfully the control issues, the emotional stuffing, and what I thought was long buried insecurity all busted out and tore me down to a state much like I was as a pre-teen. Broken and undone. But this time around, I couldn’t just go through the motions and perform like I was so (in my mind anyway) adept at as a kid. Daddy didn’t set his affairs in order before he died because he was a control freak. Yeah, that would be where I get it. Mom started showing signs of Alzheimer’s soon after Daddy’s stroke, but even more so when he died. I still had to work. I couldn’t check out from parenting. And I couldn’t check out from my marriage. I couldn’t just cope with all these issues; I had to actually work through them. Oh, and also during this time, I had a LOT of sin to face and repent of that I had fallen into while wrapped up in my self-righteousness.
In my brokenness, I had only one place to turn, and that was to God. The worse things got, the more I was driven to him, and that is why I am thankful for the trials. I learned after many many years to actually trust God. I learned to open up to close friends about my struggles so they could pray for me and help me through them. So, yeah, I am thankful for the trials that are beginning to get me out of self-reliance and into God-reliance.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 ESV)
1. I am running my first half marathon Sunday with veteran marathoner Karyn. We drove the route last Sunday afternoon. The first 6 miles are going to suck.
2. I have run 340.76 miles this year…so far. Petra asked me last Friday night if I was running Saturday, and I said, “Yeah, but it’s only 6 miles.” Then I realized what I just said and followed up with “I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth.”
3. Part of the conversation with Petra was about how crappy we’ve been eating lately and how crappy we feel because of our diets. So, starting Monday, I’m going to attempt to go vegan again. And because of me she can no longer eat hotdogs. lol
4. I am so ready for the election to be over with. I am so sick of the ads. Every year I get more and more sick of them. You know, with all the millions (or is it billions) that were spent on advertising, a lot of the poor could be fed – by each side.
5. I still don’t know how many kittens Spot had, but they are under the non-functional wet bar. Technically, I could just pull up the sink (since it isn’t fastened down) and count. But that area is like another closet where we just stuff things quickly to get it out of the way instead of putting it away (or throwing it away), so it would turn into a place to clean.
6. Have watched part of 2 episodes of Survivor this season for the first time…ever. I swore never to watch that show because in general I cannot stand “reality” shows. But, Blair…lol
7. Tuesday was our 19 year anniversary. 19 years. Wow. Where has the time gone?
8. The hubster took the kids trick or treating last night. I did not get a single picture. I did, however, pay a large price for clothing items for their costumes.
9. So I was booking it at the end of my run last night and thinking how great it felt and wishing I could feel like that for the first 2 miles, and then I realized that that was only the 3rd lap. I still had one more to go, and it was getting dark quick. Suffice to say, I maintained or maybe exceeded that pace for the remaining lap and a half (by lap, I am talking 1 circle around campus which is .94 miles) because it was dark and I was scared that werewolves were going to come out of the woods and eat me. Ok, I wasn’t really afraid of werewolves, but anybody could have stepped out of the woods and I’d have been done. Fear is a great motivator for speed.
10. The hubster has a done a FANTASTIC job of cleaning up around the house since he’s been back. Aside from the upstairs rooms, I am no longer embarrassed to have someone come over to the house.