Breaking

So I was going to blog yesterday, but I couldn’t get it going. Lots that I wanted to say and pour out, but it was just so heartbreakingly personal that I opted to journal it instead. Yes, that’s right. Pen and paper…and a lot of tears. Oh, and I still don’t have it all out either. See, there is an issue going on that is only going to get worse before it gets better, and the getting better part will be little easier.

My mom has Alzheimer’s. So does one of her brothers and one of their cousins. So did their oldest sister. I’ve seen aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends waste away from cancer, ALS, Parkinson’s, and old age. It’s difficult to watch disease and/or age destroy the body of a loved one whether quickly or slowly. But when the body is being ravaged, deep down (or not so deep down), you can see the end is not so far away. Not so much with Alzheimer’s.

Mom is 79, and except for high blood pressure, she’s healthy as a horse. Her doctor began treating her with medication for Alzheimer’s about 4 years ago, but he said then all it would do would be to delay it. She did really well on it, but this year I have really been noticing the decline again. Her conscious mind is dying much more rapidly than her body. And on good days, she knows it, and hates it. She feared it, and what she feared has come to pass.

My heart breaks. I’m going to lose my Mama before I physically lose her. Oh, I will see her again in heaven, and I take great joy in that. But there is still the pain of loss in the here and now. And my heart also breaks because she so didn’t want this. I think she could have handled any physical ailment, any physical pain, but not the loss of her ability to think and remember…and communicate.

I grieve. I grieve the loss, and I grieve the decisions I will have to make. I grieve that I grieve. I grieve for family who are dealing with the same thing. And I long for the end of the grieving…for no more tears…

8 Responses to 'Breaking'

  1. MacBros says:

    I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to watch a loved one slowly go like that. It has to be a terrible feeling being helpless not being able to do anything about it either. The thought of my Mom or Dad, or ANY of my family going is hard to deal with, let alone go at the mercy of some damn disease.

    Stay strong. And thank you for sharing such a personal topic.

    • DragonLady says:

      This is one of those things that I would normally just compartmentalize and tuck away pretending like everything is fine, but that really hasn’t ever worked out in the long run. Sooner or later it will manifest itself, so I might as well start putting it out there. :sigh:

  2. Petra says:

    I’m sorry! 🙁 That’s really tough. Life sucks sometimes… reminds us why we need God so badly. Praying for you, my friend!

    • DragonLady says:

      When it rains it pours. 😉 I know in my head it will all be ok. I know God’s in control and it’s all in His hands anyway. Mom told me in absolute unquestionable terms 10 years ago what she wants done should she become unable to take care of herself. I’m just not so sure I can do it… Thank you so much for your prayers! :hugs:

  3. Curtal Friar says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your Mom and alzheimers. My grandmother had alzheimers, as well as other problems, and she spent the last year of her life in a hospital bed. The last time I saw her alive, she had no memory of who I was at all. Her mind had regressed to a stage in her life before I was even born, and when I tried to explain who I was, she would frown and tell me it wasn’t possible, because in her mind, my mother was just a girl.

    It was the most heartbreaking moment in my life. My grandmother had been a very shrewd, sharp-witted Irish woman, with whom I had many deep and memorable conversations. We spent hours discussing the Bible and hashing out theological points of doctrine. I often tried to ‘beat’ her in our debates, but try as I might, I always ended up stumped, realizing she was at least three steps ahead of me. Great times.

    When I stood next to her hospital bed, trying to explain who I was, only to see her get disturbed by my explanations, and then the truth hitting me that my grandmother was truly gone and the frail woman lying on the bed was a broken shell of the woman I knew growing up, it was more than I could stand. Even worse, my son never got to see the woman I remembered from my childhood. He would have loved her.

    • DragonLady says:

      I’m so sorry. I am sure much of that awaits my mom too. She still has her theological capacity quite well. I am sure all those years of Bible study and prayer are why when she gets frustrated over not being about to remember something or do something that used to require almost no thought, she doesn’t get angry and lash out. I’m very grateful for that and hope she doesn’t ever get mean.

  4. Danny Poole says:

    No more tears…that’s one of the things I also look forward to. You know I don’t blow smoke, so I won’t recite the cliches. Remember that God is a BIG God. He’s even big enough for us to ask the hard questions and to handle our screams of frustration. In the end, He will wipe away the tears. Until then…