The pain of letting go

Marsh-WM

I made the decision. I didn’t like it. I don’t like it. I knew I wouldn’t be “happy” with either option. I also know that keeping things status quo is not healthy for anyone involved.

I feel like I ripped out a big chunk of my heart and punted it.

I told that to my therapist and also that I felt kind of numb. Also that I felt like I needed a meltdown but that it would probably wait until the most inopportune time to strike. You know, like at work, because no one wants that. By “no one” I mean me.

I continually find myself wondering if I am doing the right thing. Did I make the right decision? And thus goes the rationalization process. Slogans fall flat as trite cliche. The doctrine of my youth fails from one-sidedness and does nothing but cover me in guilt and shame.

There comes a point when you realize you are the only one that is even remotely providing accountability to your husband. You can see that he is avoiding everyone but the friends who enable his behavior. You can see that he is not being honest with himself let alone anyone else. You see him walking around in that same facade you yourself used to walk in while keeping your addictions securely hidden away from view of anyone who might call you out on them.

You know that as long as nothing changes, nothing is going to change because that is what has been happening for years.

As I have been recovering, I have been seeing that I had few boundaries, and didn’t enforce the few I had. It was easy to overlook because I was numbing/escaping myself so as not to have to deal with much of anything. It has been something like coming out of unconsciousness into consciousness and seeing how things really are and realizing this is not the lifestyle I want to continue in. So I tried setting boundaries, but they were not respected. I tried pointing out what was really going on, and was dismissed and told I am the one with the issues.

But I’m not the only one with issues. I’m just the only one working on mine. And I have had enough of the insanity of addiction in my life.

So after the latest incident of craziness, I retained an attorney and am filing separation in a way to enforce separation. There is no violence or threat thereof, so I can’t get a restraining order. But since I am the only one working consistently and have been the only one paying the mortgage and utilities, I’m not the one who is going to leave the house.

And our children have dealt with the dysfunction long enough.

I’ve been told that he’s never going to hit bottom as long as I’m cushioning it. To be true, my lack of boundaries and lack of enforcing boundaries has certainly been enabling. But I finally had enough. So I took the opportunity while I had it to put up a legally enforceable boundary.

And it freaking hurts.

I feel like the pain is going to consume me in an implosion. As if my soul is collapsing in on itself.

But I am not going to cave in. I will not continue to live with the insanity of active addiction. I will not continue to subject my children to continued dysfunction.

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13 Responses to 'The pain of letting go'

  1. v says:

    I don’t “like” this post, but I like that you’re enforcing your boundaries. Boundaries don’t exist to tell the other person how they have to live, but to dictate how YOU want to live. Good on you for not compromising your own integrity and health any longer.

  2. Deadria says:

    So much love for my friend who doesn’t realize her own strength. Electronic hugs aren’t the same; but know that I am here for you and yours always.

  3. Judy says:

    You have been very patient. My Mom had to do the same thing when I was 6.She was tired of seeing my Dad come home intoxicated night after night. It made us all stronger and more dependent on God.

  4. Opal says:

    Oh my this has to be so challenging for you. I am so sorry.

    For the most part, I’ve quietly read your posts and cheered you on when appropriate and now I’ll keep you and your families in my prayers. I’m praying for you now and it’s my hope and prayer that God works on your husband and hopefully he will start relying on God to see him through his difficult journey.
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  5. Petra says:

    Time. That’s the only thing that will help the pain. Hang in there. And you know what to do with that guilt and shame and where to tell it to go. I’m here for you, man! Praying for you all the time! <3

    • DragonLady says:

      Yeah, I was thinking about that little talk about guilt and shame you gave me the other night at dinner that almost got you a public meltdown when I wrote that sentence. :)

  6. Danny poole says:

    Hold the line, my friend. There is a reason they tell you to put your mask on before helping someone else. Got your six today and always!

  7. james says:

    Martha i really do love you. I am proud to call you my wife. I will never regret being with you, no matter how this ends. I do not agree with all that you say about me but we can get through this without further harming each other, like about the restraining order. Can this be done with kindness? Can we be friends?
    I do admire your resolve. I know this is the hardest thing you have ever done. I really hope you find happiness after this mess is over even if its not with me. This blog is one sided so very uncomfortable for me but i dont have to like it. Thank you to all of Martha friends who help and support her. I wish it could be me but she needs you more right now . I thank God for you all.