“Can I handle the seasons of my life?” – Stevie Nicks
I may have mentioned this before, but do you know what happens when you peel an onion?
I talked about why I was going to stop taking my antidepressant, but I really had no idea how that was going to play out. Despite weaning off over 4 weeks, I still had some significant withdrawals.
But the crying.
What are the odds that in your first week off your meds, you are going to be triggered. Repeatedly. About something you did NOT want to deal with so soon. (Or at all.)
I definitely didn’t expect to be triggered at church.
I knew I was going to break down this past Sunday. I had looked at the service lineup, and texted with my friend Stacey who was singing.
I had no idea I would have such an ugly cry meltdown.
After the sermon, we had communion. But not just communion. We had the opportunity to be anointed with oil, and prayed over with laying on of hands.
I walked up to Pastor Nate a complete wreck. “I can’t even word.” I could barely get out more than that because of the sobbing. But I didn’t really have to because he knows my story. We stood there in front of everyone, he praying over me, and me sobbing.
And I was okay with that.
Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. (James 5:13-16 ESV)
I then took the cup (because the bread ain’t gluten free), and sat back down.
I sobbed uncontrollably some more.
And it was okay. And it is a big breakthrough.
I wasn’t allowed to cry when I was a kid. My crying was categorized as either “having a fit” or “showing my ass.” So I learned how to hold it in, and not cry. And then I medicated/self-medicated so I wouldn’t cry.
But crying isn’t something to be ashamed of.
I’ve been praying for healing. Family and friends have been praying for my healing.
Crying is part of that healing.
All I have to do is let it happen.
And it’s okay.