It struck me in the middle of a conversation where I was sitting on my pity pot bemoaning the latest catastrophe to befall me.
Do I really trust God? Do I really trust Him?
Because it is one thing to pray and surrender everything to Him and His will, but when you’ve done that, and something happens that you didn’t anticipate, it’s another matter to follow through by walking in the faith you thought you had when you said that prayer. Talk is cheap, but living it out is going to cost something.
Clinging to control and self-sufficiency is going to cost you a lot more.
All the years I spent pushing myself and pushing myself trying to do it all and do it all perfectly exacted a heavy price. Multiple times. And I didn’t get it.
A few years ago I asked “Just how broken do I have to be?” I knew at the time. Completely. I just didn’t really know what that means exactly. I have a much better idea now. It’s whatever it takes until I become completely dependent upon God and quit trying to do everything (and do everything perfectly) in my own power in effort to be good enough.
Ah, but there’s more.
I was talking with a friend earlier this week and we got on the subject of legalism in the church. Since we both grew up Baptist, we were generally talking about Baptist churches since that’s what we have had the most experience with. I don’t know where it came from (I probably read it somewhere), but in response to discussing the logical though flawed thinking behind legalism, I said, “Grace is scary because grace can’t be controlled.”
If you can spot it, you got it.
The control freak in me doesn’t want to go down without a fight. She’s been calling the shots for decades because she has to head off every possible problem and either prevent it from happening or fix it before anyone finds out she messed up. Every time she thinks she’s hit bottom, it turns out to be a ledge, and she rolls right off over and over.
Faith is not primarily a function of how you feel. Faith is living out, trusting, and believing what truth is despite what you feel.
— Timothy Keller (@timkellernyc) March 12, 2015
Can I really do this? Can I give up my control and self-sufficiency and really really surrender my will and my life over to the care of God?
Am I going to just admit where my best thinking has gotten me and just trust Him?
Am I going to accept the grace I can’t control?