Step out

I've done a lot more reading than writing lately. Obviously. In fact, I just finished a book that stepped all over my toes with regards to my character defects. Most of those defects are rooted in my childhood coping skills that I hung onto well into adulthood. Or maybe I should say "hang" instead of "hung." It's an ongoing battle. I like staying in my comfort zone. Like probably isn't the right word. It's more of a love/hate thing. Monday afternoon I was sitting on the front porch reading when I saw a van slow and then turn in our driveway. My thought was "Crap! Jehovah's Witnesses." I ended up wishing it had been Jehovah's Witnesses. It was a Kirby sales team. I let that young man do his demonstration though I had no intention of buying a Kirby. I don't care how good it cleans, even if I could drop that kind of cash for a vacuum, I will never buy a Kirby. There is a reason why, and I'm not going to digress into that. But the team was really nice and didn't overly pressure me. And I was definitely outside of my comfort zone the entire time. I read a blog post Wednesday that picked at some old childhood wounds. Rather than stuffing and burying, I let myself feel the pain that I never let myself feel. It wasn't comfortable. In fact it hurt quite a bit. But I am looking at it differently than I used to. Rather than wallowing in self-pity, I let myself feel the pain in order to heal. I grieved the childhood I didn't have and the relationship with my Dad that I didn't have. Instead of asking "Why did that happen to me," I simply told myself "Yes, it sucked. Feel the pain, and then let it go." I saw a friend later on who told me I looked like I needed a hug. Oh, yeah. I did. I gradually felt better as the day went on because I didn't focus on how I wish things had been, but rather accepted how things were. Most importantly, I don't have to let that crap dictate who I am. Today I am ok. I'm not pink cloud happy, but I don't want to ball up in a corner and bawl either. Ok, maybe a little, but ain't nobody got time for that. The comfort zone isn't really all it's cracked up to be. There is no growth and more discomfort trying to maintain comfort. There is no real peace. There is no life. So step out of the comfort zone and start living.

4 Responses to 'Step out'

  1. Petra says:

    Great advice!

  2. Jenn says:

    <3 Your self-awareness is always refreshing. I'm sorry you are struggling, but I hope that, day by day, your happiness increases and you find peace for the things that trouble you. Be well.
    Jenn recently posted..weekly recap: 7/27 – 8/2My Profile

    • DragonLady says:

      The struggle is real. ;) Seriously though, thank you. It’s getting better little by little. I didn’t get where I am overnight, and I won’t get better overnight. :)

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