Archive for September 2013

Facing Fear

I had kind of a hard time going to sleep last night. I didn’t really have any one thing weighing heavy on my mind keeping me awake, but I just had an overall sense of restlessness. It may just have been a result of getting massively glutened over the weekend. I refuse to accept that it might have been the pumpkin spice and rather choose to place the blame solely on the spiced rum. I’ve been drinking pumpkin spice lattes for the past two years after going gluten free with no effect. This was the first time in the last two years since going gluten free that I drank spiced rum. But I digress.

Like I said, I had trouble falling asleep. So I took the opportunity to just spend the sleepless time in prayer. During the course of this I came to the point of really confessing how much I have let fear rule my life since, well, since I can remember. This is a HUGE obstacle. I have know it for a while, at least for the last 3-5 years. But denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. 😉 So there I lay admitting and confessing all the fear, and the continued fear of taking that next step of surrender. So, yeah, I would also rather blame it all on the glutening than admit/accept that I have to stop acting/not acting out of fear.

I just don’t really know what that’s going to mean. What I mean by that is it is a great unknown to me which prevents me from formulating plans/strategies/coping mechanisms. As if I can really rely on my old coping mechanisms any more anyway. They served their purpose for a single purpose, and have generally miserably failed outside of that one purpose. But the one purpose it served spilled out into and onto every single relationship I’ve had whether family or friends or co-workers or total strangers. That is deliberately vague. For now.

Funday Friday #16

This has been a long and busy week. Hence, a list post.

1. I have some deep blisters on my fingertips. Clearly I haven’t been playing my guitar enough.

2. I am breaking my coffee fast tomorrow and getting a Pumpkin Spice Latte. That will be my reward for running 12 miles.

3. I’ve been lax with staying away from MSG. Only that could explain why my stomach thinks I’m hungry all.the.time. :sigh:

4. Speaking of running, it looks like tomorrow morning will be a wet run. Also, I am so tired of long runs. :-/

Apparently I have nothing else. Brain fog is setting in which I blame on the weather.

You almost got Milli Vanilli.

“Like sands through the hourglass…”

And now all I can hear is the theme music from Days of our Lives. I never was a big fan. I watched it enough to know the long time characters, but I just couldn’t ever stay into soaps. Except Santa Barbara. But I dumped it when Lane Davies left. Anywho…

I’m tired. It seems all I did over the weekend was grading. I really hope the kids don’t get all behind like that again this week. :sigh:

I did clean out my car though. The back floorboard was starting to look like a dumpster. It needs to be washed, but ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

If Granny Eoff’s fresh apple cake recipe was ever a secret, it isn’t anymore. I posted it on Facebook for a couple of folks, and at least 3 people reshared. lol But, I have Aunt Cora’s Italian Cream Cake recipe now, so it’s all good. And that all came about because I shared a old picture of my then young Granny for #throwbackthursday.

I didn’t run this weekend. Don’t judge me.

I took Chad out and let him practice driving…my car. :nervous2: He did good, but I still could have used a valium. 😉

I didn’t learn from another’s mistake and ate a Snickers Friday evening. Oh, yes, it was a mistake.

And, I’m all set to audition next week for the C.O.R.E. Worship team. By all set I mean I told Bradford I could do it next Sunday. Eek! It’s now time to get serious about learning those songs. I mean, I know them, but I need to know them without the crutch of words and chords in front of me.

Still didn’t get around to making Petra a pie. Because it’s just so hard to peel and slice apples. 😉

The kids got their new glasses today.

Oh, and since I gave up the caffeine, I am sleeping better at night. Huh. Really, I wasn’t drinking much and rarely had any after lunch, but I am sleeping for longer than an hour or two at a time. AND I’m not having so many headaches.

Chad didn’t appreciate me playing this when his friends were over Saturday night. I enjoyed it immensely. 😉

“8 points from Slytherin”

I will get to that title in a moment.

Being Wholesome Wednesday, I can report that I purchased fresh vegetables this past weekend. However, someone needs to prep and cook them. I did not purchase any more Progresso soups.

I mentioned the other day that I had lost some of my enthusiasm with homeschooling. 2 easy days and then I was again dealing with kids who don’t want to do their work. Jamie managed to get everything caught up by Friday, but Chad. Ugh. He didn’t get caught up. The Algebra I is understandable, but the other 3 were just plain laziness. They both took their first tests yesterday, and each only missed one question. Retention is there at least. 🙂

Jamie hates the English III curriculum, and feels free to express her disdain when answering certain questions. There was one question that she went on a rant about in her answer, and so she got the “Welcome to Christian homeschool. 8 points from Slytherin.” It was a 16 point question, and I gave her half credit because there was a couple of sentences related to the topic. And it was an opinion question that is graded subjectively. I got enjoyment from making a Harry Potter reference though. 😉

Last night, I got caught up with grading Chad’s work, and he does really well when he actually does it. I got his schedule made out for the rest of this week, and told him this morning about along with telling him we would work on his Algebra when I get home. Meaning, he has to still be awake when I get home. And while we are doing that, someone needs to cook for me and put away my laundry that I did Monday. lol

Remembering

I’m not going to write out a big long post about 9/11. While I still remember the events as if it happened yesterday, I’m not going to rehash it. 5 years ago I reposted a post I had written 2 or 3 years before. 9/11-Repost But I don’t really feel the same anymore. I’m not so angry anymore. Maybe I should be, but I’m just tired of being angry. I still grieve for the innocent lives lost. And I grieve for the men who took those lives believing a lie that they would go to paradise.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

:usflag:

Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do

I got up Sunday morning ready to run. That is a lie. I was not ready, but I knew I had to, and kept telling myself, “It’s only 14 miles.” Right. That said, I started off slow and tapered off. lol But seriously, I was ok from about mile 3 to mile 8. I wasn’t enjoying it, but I felt confident I could finish. Then I hit mile 9.

Mile 9 was about where my lower back really started hurting. When I got to my last turnaround, I stopped briefly and dropped to one knee to see if that eased the pain. It did, and I took back off. The pain came back and about a quarter mile later (when I got back to a shady spot), I laid down on the side of the road on my back and pulled my knees up to stretch out. I made it about 3/4 of a mile and then laid down in the church driveway. Another half mile later, there I was in the road again and just a little over a quarter mile from the house. At this point, I was thinking about how I was going to get in the last 3 miles. But about the time I got to my driveway, I said “Screw the full. I’m doing the half instead.”

So there it is. I feel pretty confident that I can do the half because I’ve done halves before. I’m sure the back pain is my body telling me it’s time to buy new shoes. They are almost a year old. But I can’t afford a $120 pair of shoes right now and don’t want to break in new shoes right before a race.

Therefore, the half it is.

Recovery

1. I don’t know what got me last week, but it cost me what was left of my sick time, and a chunk of vacation. Only 2 days, but I really hadn’t accrued much since I used up everything when I took vacation in July. Petra is pretty sure that it was the Progresso soups and the stop at Sonic Wednesday. Who am I to argue? 😉

2. I’ve lost some of my enthusiasm for homeschooling. The boy is behind. He needs math tutoring which I am capable of providing. However, as I told him, he has to be awake when I am home and awake so I can help.

3. I’m not going to attempt the full marathon next month. I’m downgrading to the half. More on that tomorrow.

4. I’m back off of caffeine. But I did get my hands on a triple venti pumpkin spice latte Friday. I did not help the migraine either, but it was yummy.

5. We finally cancelled the Sirius account on the van and added my car to the account. By we I mean the hubby. Because I avoid phone calls. The van was totaled last December, but Sirius accidentally gave me an additional free 6 months in the car, so it kind of evened out.

6. I took a nap at lunch today. This is not unusual for me. Anyway, when my alarm went off, I had been so asleep that I didn’t completely know where I was. I mean, I knew, but it looked unfamiliar for a few minutes.

7. Should be paying bills right now.

8. Needs a free masseuse who doesn’t expect any activity after the massage. Just sayin’. 😉

9. Need to clean out my car. This hasn’t happened since the July ladies night at Abyssinia.

10. Is going to bed now.

In which I hit publish before determining a title

I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t try to blog with a headache coming on and with brain fog. Especially when it’s “Theological Thursday” and I have no topic in mind yet. lol But, heck, when has that ever stopped me.

I had my second session of counseling yesterday. I don’t know if it’s the “happy pills” or the Al-Anon or the increased running, but I noticed I was feeling a lot better emotionally as if everything is ok. Which it’s not. I’m still sleeping like crap, and I woke up sick this morning, but this sick is probably diet related since I also ate like crap yesterday evening. Anyway, I felt more relaxed, and maybe because I did the verbal vomit on her last time. haha

I also noticed something last week that I do that I didn’t used to do. I shared it at an Al-Anon meeting last week. I know everyone has an internal dialog going on much of the time. I’ve always had one and can remember I time when I would have it out loud. I only did that when I was alone (or thought I was), but after getting busted a couple of times, I worked on that. Although I still get called out by my family for hand gesturing when it gets intense in my head. Case in point, Jamie said to me over the weekend, “Stop thinking with your hands.” lol But I digress. What I have been doing more often over the past few years is having arguments in my head. So there is an all too often mental conflict going which tells me I am pretty bitter about some things that are unresolved.

MentalChaos

I read that yesterday and did a little bit of connecting the dots. There has been some kind of chaos going on for so long, and I just suppressed it like I did when I was a kid. But it’s all in there lashing out in my internal dialog. And when I indulge it, I open myself up to demonic attack. I know that sounds out there, but it is what it is. But my demonic encounters are a post for another day.

Finishing this thought will be for another day too in another post.

Adventures in homeschooling

I know it’s only been one day, and I know that I’m not the one there making sure they sit down and do their work, but I think I’m going to dig this homeschooling thing. Scheduling was a bit off yesterday, and they got started later than intended, but they finished everything in just a couple of hours letting me know that I didn’t overload them with work. Granted, they were each missing a class to work on, but still.

The other class material came in yesterday. Given how quickly they went through their work yesterday, I think they will do fine with the full load.

There really wasn’t any complaining though Jamie didn’t seem to care too much for Algebra II. And grading her Algebra II work was like I had traveled back in time and was grading my own. Bless her heart. 🙂 Chad got to a point where he was tired and not paying attention and just didn’t care anymore. :sigh: But, I had a little talk with him this morning that may or may not have done any good.

Anyway, I’m pretty enthusiastic so far about how it’s going. Again, I know it’s only been one day. I have hope. 😉

A few thoughts

I know. 2 posts in one day. But since I didn’t do a post Monday…

1. The cats need baths. Tiger especially since he’s the one that has been up on me for the past hour.

2. It really really stinks when someone puts on eggs to boil, forgets about them, and they burn and explode.

3. Reading back through your journal can be interesting.

4. A lunch time nap can do wonders.

5. Alzheimer’s sucks.

6. Deprecated php code sucks. I just wanted another reason to say “deprecated” after making it my big word of the day last Friday. But it’s use last week was over php code also.

7. Mosquitoes suck too. Pun intended.

8. So do mice. Especially mice that eat the bait off traps without tripping them. :-/