Archive for January 2013

Something is missing

I generally try to come up with a title and write around it. That doesn’t always work out so well, and is often why I end up not writing at all. Eh, whatever. This time, though, I know what I want as title because it is the subject of what I want to write about. And for some reason, thinking “Something is missing” reminds me of that scene from Star Trek: Generations when Picard meets Kirk in the Nexus. And as an aside, I generally don’t think the odd numbered Star Trek movies are all the great. This was #7. But it’s Kirk, and I am digressing.

Over a 9 day span, I had migraines for 7 of the days. I have never had migraines like that. They weren’t so bad I couldn’t go to work, but while I forced myself to work, that was the only place I forced myself to. This past Sunday, I finally decided that since I didn’t have anywhere I absolutely had to go, that I would take a valium and see how that worked. All the pain went away, and I sat all afternoon knitting. Ok, not all afternoon. I did get up from time to time and do stuff. And it made me a little dizzy which made me a little sick so it’s not like I want to take it again. However, it confirmed that my migraines were from stress and tension. I already suspected that. Oh, and I haven’t had a migraine since. 3 days straight. Imagine!

But even before the pain lifted, I knew that something had to happen. Something had to change. Petra has quoted this to me time and time again:

for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
(2 Timothy 1:7 ESV)

At least I think that’s the one. 😉 Anyway, you would think it would eventually sink into my thick head. But, no, I have to learn the same lessons over and over the hard way. It’s so frustrating, and maddening. I know this stuff. I grew up with it. Why after all these years is it still not sticking?

I’ve noticed that over the past couple of years I have grown less judgemental of non-believers, and have finally got it through my head that not everyone grew up saturated in a “fundamentalist” Baptist church in the Bible belt where most everyone is assumed to at least be a regular church attendee with at least a basic knowledge of the Bible belt legalistic moralism “Christianity.” See what I did there? My judgementalism transferred from non-believers to Christians. I seem to so easily point out what is wrong with other Christians, while still setting myself up in my ivory tower of self-righteouness because I “get it.” Except I didn’t.

Last week it finally sunk in that I was missing something, and it isn’t toast. 😉 Something big that was keeping me back and hindering my prayers and keeping me from experience the peace and joy that I am supposed to have. Now I know that doesn’t mean I’m supposed to have a carefree easy life. Jesus didn’t say, “Take up your Lazyboy and chill out” but “Take up your cross and follow me.” I understand what that means, and it is by no means an easy, comfortable life. But yet I still try to control circumstances around me so that life’s easier or so I don’t get hurt. Fear and worry. Lacking trust in the One who is the only one I can trust.

Paul said,

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
(Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)

Contentment escapes me. Even when things are going fairly well, and I feel like I’m getting a breather, something is missing. I have come to the conclusion (partially from judging others for this very thing) that what I am missing is the Holy Spirit. Not that the Holy Spirit isn’t there,

In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit,
(Ephesians 1:13 ESV)

but that I have spent so much of my life working at controlling the circumstances around me that I have missed out on the Spirit’s power in my life. The power to make me content no matter the circumstances. The power to feel peace and joy when the world is falling apart around me. But most of all the power to obey. The power to forgive. The power to love. The power to praise God no matter what, and to trust Him completely with everything. Because He is in control anyway. And this all changed what I prayed for. Because I asked for what I also fear while confessing the fear as I prayed. I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t know. But I can’t overcome the fear without the Spirit either.

And now I wait.

Welcoming in the New Year

Molly told me I need to blog. Funny thing, I wrote 3 paragraphs yesterday, and deleted it because I just wasn’t really into it. I’m still not, but I will anyway. I suppose since I did an end of year post for 2012, I should do a beginning of the year post for 2013. That, of course, infers that I have resolutions, but I don’t. Goals, yes, but those started prior to the end of the year.

Goal 1: Learn to rest.

One wouldn’t think this would be difficult, but when you can’t remember how long you have been working 7 days a week, it is hard to take 1 day and not work at all. I tried last Sunday, and while it was not all that hard to stay off of email and Facebook, and 1 of the 2 times I got online was legitimate (auto insurance id cards), I had to make myself not do a load of laundry or watch a movie. I know, movies aren’t work, but there was a purpose. Part of the rest is “no screens.” But aside from having to pick up some groceries because I had no food (poor planning), and then cooking (because I had to eat), and cleaning the toilet in the master bath because it was just nasty and I couldn’t stand it, I did my best to just sit and relax. Did some reading, and attempted some crochet, but the latter was just pissing me off so I left it for another day.

Goal 2: 13 races in 2013

I saw this 13 in 2013 challenge and signed up for it because it is “easily” attainable. I mean there are 5ks all the time. I am signed up for this half-marathon, and have already said if it goes well, I want to do a full marathon.

Goal 3: Crochet

In a sense, I have already met this goal because I made an ugly dish cloth this week. The reason I call it ugly is that it was my first project so my stitching was inconsistent (and wrong) for the first few rows. Actually, I did the single stitches consistently wrong, but whatever. I started at least getting the stitch count right and the knack of the single stitch down by the last 4 rows. Below is my progress from the chain to first row of single stitch to half way to done.

photo(7)
photo(10)
photo(8)photo(9)

And really, the crochet will fall under the resting because I chill out when I am doing it. My mind doesn’t wander all around and everywhere when I have to concentrate on counting stitches and rows.

Goal 4: Pushups

This was a goal I had and failed last year. I haven’t been able to do even 1 pushup in at least 10 years. I want to be able to do at least 10 by the end of the year.

Goal 5: Make my marriage and family priority

I also started on this one before last year was over. We have issues, and those issues need to be worked on instead of ignored while focusing on other stuff. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Goal 6: Journal every day.

With the caveat not to obsess if I miss a day. But 3 days in, I have done ok with this one so far. Since there is some daily tracking involved with Goal 5 for now, it really shouldn’t be that much of a problem to do. Shouldn’t.

Goal 7: Eat healthy.

I’m already working/caving on this one, but I haven’t been to Starbucks all year. LOL!! Maybe they are done with the holiday beverages and I can leave off the pumpkin spice lattes. Yes, I know that you can actually get them year-round, but it isn’t as tempting when it’s not printed on the menu. Anyway, by healthy I mean less processed and less meats (especially red & pork), and more fruits and veggies. This was last weekend, btw…

That's a lot of meat!

That’s a lot of meat!

I guess that is all for now that I am not already working on and/or am willing to put out publicly. Maybe I should add blog at least once a week?