Archive for January 2012

Challenged

Petra sent me a message the other day with a link followed by “Click on ‘the 6 week challenge’.” I groaned like I had just taken a kidney punch because I just knew whatever was in that 6 week challenge was going to hurt in some way. Our Family Eats. I am doing weeks 1-3 together, or cold turkey, as it were. I had quite the headache yesterday, and was sure a Coke would have taken care of it blaming it on MSG withdrawl. But, I took 800 mg ibuprofen and drank a cup of hot tea, and it lessened considerably so perhaps it was just sinus. But back to the topic.

Around the same time as she sent the link, I got sucked into Pinterest. I had managed to avoid it for quite some time, and was quite proud of myself, but, alas, to no avail. I found some interesting recipes on it, and spent half of Sunday cooking. The first thing I tried was Fall-Vegetable and Quinoa Hash with Poached Eggs…minus the poached eggs because DragonLady only eats eggs fried, scrambled, or deviled…and Quinoa Salad with Toasted Almonds making the endeavor an added challenge by cooking from 2 recipes at the same time.

The finished Fall Vegetable and Quinoa Hash:

I want to state for the record, that those were some dinky servings, and is clearly a side with or without a poached egg on top.

The finished Quinoa Salad with Toasted Almonds (still in the pan):

That made more than I was expecting, which was a good thing.

So after church, I remembered that I still hadn’t done laundry, and absolutely had to, so I figured since I was going to be up late washing clothes, I might as well cook up a couple more things. Oh, yeah, because I am cooking ahead so I have food prepared and ready to heat throughout the week that is artificial color, flavor, preservative, and “-ate” free.

Anyway, Karyn had given me a link to Taco Salad, and I was itching to try it. I managed to get absolutely no pictures of it because I apparently cannot do 2 recipes at the same time while I am about half brain-dead. It turned out great though, and I have lunch set for all this week.

Then I started on Wild Rice Salad with Roasted Vegetables and Lemon-Tahini Dressing.

I did take a couple final photos with the whole thing mixed up, but I can’t hold a camera steady after midnight. As I was mixing the dressing together I thought, “This has the potential to taste like crap.” But it actually turned out quite nice, after I added that last half a lemon of juice to it.

So to sum up, hell has frozen over, and I am eating healthy, and as organic as I can. After dropping a load of cash on all those veggies, the hubby said, “You definitely need a garden if you are going to be eating like this.” So I guess I need to get started on that…

“Preacher’s kid”

I actually did a small (and lazy) bit of research for this one. And interestingly, what I found on Wikipedia (remember, I said “lazy”), was surprisingly confirming of the correlation I was going to make. But anyway, “preacher’s kids” have always had a bit of a stereotypical reputation. Generally speaking, at least around where I grew up, it was always negative whether the kid was the rebel or the goody-two-shoes. (See what I did there?)

So, anyway, as the link with the creepy painting states, “The existence of these stereotypes is a source of pressure on children of clergy.” The reason being that there are Biblical standards that pastors/elders must uphold in their personal life, and, by familial association, their family as well. As it happens, the standards for a deacon are almost as strict as those of a pastor.

Guess who’s a deacon’s kid…

Guess which stereotype I modeled…

What I run to

Why? Because it is a post, and this list totally dates me. Yes, I sing many of these at my daughter when she runs with me. :)

Freak Like Me – Sugababes
Round Round – Sugababes
Walking on Sunshine – Katrina & the Waves
Welcome To The Jungle – Guns N’ Roses
Paradise City – Guns N’ Roses
Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns N’ Roses
Back In Black – AC/DC
You Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
The Power Of Love – Huey Lewis & The News
Song 2 – Blur
Layla – Derek & The Dominos
China Grove – The Doobie Brothers
Long Train Runnin’ – The Doobie Brothers
Listen To The Music – The Doobie Brothers
Humans Being – Van Halen (Van Hagar)
Love Is a Battlefield – Pat Benatar
Invincible – Pat Benatar
Authority Song – John Mellencamp
Dancing in the Dark – Bruce Springsteen
Glory Days – Bruce Springsteen
The Boys of Summer – Don Henley
Mr. Roboto – Styx
Monkey Wrench – Foo Fighters
Love Shack – The B-52′s
Long Distance Winner – Stevie Nicks
Gold – Stevie Nicks
Light of day – Joan Jett
Go Insane – Lindsey Buckingham
Refugee – Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Runnin’ Down a Dream – Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Let’s Go Crazy – Prince
1999 – Prince

Coming out of the dark

If it’s stuck in my head, you get it, too.

Yes, I’m a fan. Or was a fan. Whatever. She can actually sing as opposed to, oh, say, Britney Spears? Haha Regardless, it is totally relevant.

I think I finally bottomed out. I reached a point yesterday morning that I knew I was done…or undone. I sat in traffic with tears streaming, and sent a one word status update to Facebook.

“can’t”

I knew who would see it and know what it meant, and that they would pray…because I couldn’t. I was spent. All my fight was gone. And then I sat at work all morning feeling as though I was going to implode…physically. I had an appointment that afternoon that was going to be ultra super rough in a dark pit because it’s one that every time I have had one it has been utterly draining.

But something happened around the time of the appointment. I didn’t notice it until much later in the afternoon, but when I did it was like, wow. Huh. How about that…

My husband called me right before lunch, and had a totally different tone from what he had that morning. My appointment lasted about half the time estimated, and was the best one ever. And about an hour and a half later, after I had done some research with a co-worker, it hit me. My head felt kind of clear. As I drove home, it was almost surreal at what songs were popping up on shuffle on my iPod. That those particular songs “randomly” played back-to-back could not possibly have been random. Wow. It was like I drank a Coke, only I didn’t have any soda of any kind. But I was cautious. I could wake up with the fog and darkness back.

But it wasn’t there this morning. In fact, once I took a shower and got kind of awake, I could tell there was no fog. I felt normal again for the first time in what seems like forever. Oh, I didn’t, and still don’t, feel all giggly happy (like I got when I drank those glasses of Coke). But there is a distinct peace that’s back. And I learned something other than sometimes I have to learn the same painful lesson over and over.

I have way more pride than I thought.

There were a bunch of individual things I learned about myself, but they all boil down to pride.

James 5:16 (ESV) 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

I had to swallow some of that pride, and admit that I was weak, and that I was having a hard time with some specific problems (circumstances and sins) that I couldn’t/wouldn’t let go of in addition to the depression. Or that caused it. I had to let go of a general distrust of people that I have hung on to like Linus holds onto that blanket for years. Maybe that was the part of the lesson. Regardless, I have no doubt that the prayers of those dear friends carried more weight than mine did. There were a few, but Petra and Molly bore the brunt. Thank you for standing in the gap for me. :hugs:

Against the wind

I cannot be held responsible if a Bob Seger song is now stuck in your head.

Party animal that I am, I went running New Year’s Eve around the community where I live. I have a 3.4 mile loop on some back roads where there normally isn’t a lot of traffic, so I can stay on the pavement most of the time. Being a loop, I get to run in every direction at some point, and on the second straight(ish) stretch, I was facing the wind. I was already sucking because I forgot to use my inhaler, but it was made worse trying to run against the wind when I didn’t have much breath left anyway. It wasn’t long before I wanted to just stop.

I started to write this post when I got back home from that run. I got 2 paragraphs written, and then chickened out and deleted it. See, it’s also hard to run while sobbing. I said to a friend something to the effect of “I wonder just how broken I have to be.” Apparently just a bit more. I had a breakdown about 4 weeks or so ago, and I’ve been in the dark pit of depression ever since. Drowning in despair. Angry, and then numb. I’m pretty sure I have cried more in the past week than my whole life. That may or may not be an exaggeration. I’ve prayed, I’ve poured over and through my Bible, I’ve confided in friends who are praying for me, and yet, there is still this overwhelming darkness closed in around me, and I can’t breathe.

But I keep going.

During that run, when I couldn’t breathe, and couldn’t stop crying, I still had to get back home. So I dropped from a run to a walk, and kept going forward.

Yes, I went there. You’re welcome. :)

I am going through the motions. Fake it ’til ya make it. I am full of doubt, and nearly empty of faith. But I know I can’t trust my feelings, well, ever really, but especially now. It’s not my first battle with depression, even though I would call it my worst.

James 1:2-3 New King James Version (NKJV)

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

I have to be patient, which does not come easy. The light will once again shine into the darkness, and I will keep seeking it…runnin’ on empty, against the wind.